Last day of term. Err, I mean work.

Woo hoo! It's Friday! And it's about to be Bank Holiday weekend! Woo hoo!

It's my last day at my temping job too, so really I feel like it's holiday time! I've conveniently forgotten that I've got one more week of work after the weekend (but that's at a social enterprise company - MyBnk - and it's to do with teaching type stuff, so that could be interesting).

I'm house-sitting at the moment out in Goldhawk Road with Mouche, which is ace fun, it's so cool to have some space and live a bit more independently. The flat is beautiful and really cosy with loads of books and CDs and stuff like that. AND it's a garden flat, so sitting out in the sun yesterday with cups of tea was wonderful.

Apart from that I've been pretty busy seeing people and just having summer fun, apart from the complete lack of sun of course. I can't remember if I mentioned that I went on the ward round last week, which was super interesting, and sad. After that I felt like becoming a psychiatrist, but this week there have been so many bonkers incidents that I don't think I could do it after all.

Last point of note - there's a cat called Stripey Pants, which is really used to the house we're sitting at, and just comes in and stuff, and yesterday I totally freaked out and thought it was coming to get me. Usually I like cats, I mean, I'm not super touchy-feely with them, but still, I get on with them. But yesterday I couldn't bear it, it was so odd. I have decided that I was just a bit stressed and took it out on the cat (stressed because I broke their curtains, accidentally of course, but now want to fix them and can't so it bugs me).

I looked up the word neurotic yesterday. I think this is what I am.

Weeeeeeekend!

At home today

Number of teaching days left to the end of term = 54
Number of sick days this term = 1

Boo. I have spectacularly failed to go to school today, and now I feel guilty, and restless. I think it's because I was only half-hearted about teaching today, so really I could have forced myself in, and yes, had a rubbish day, but at least done it. I am not pleased with my recent lack of discipline and will. In the past I was always able to make myself do things I didn't particularly want to do, but I have noticed that I have started giving myself the easier option and just getting out of things. Hmm, I need to work on that.

Actually it was good this morning to think that I had a free day. I need one in some ways. When the weekend is busy and intense and a bit unreal, then returning to normal routines is a challenge. Routines are very important for me I think, so I should try my best to stick to them.

Really I had intended to go to school today, it wasn't a planned skip, as I have been known to do in the past. What happened was I missed the last central line tube home last night, so then ended up with no way home (didn't want to take the crazy night bus by myself on a Sunday night, didn't want to take the tube to Walthamstow and get a cab from there, didn't have enough cash to pay the HUGE cab fee home) so stayed at X's, which gets me high a bit I think, and so in the morning when it came to getting up and going, I decided not to.

I think part of being a bit high might be the impulsive decisions that I seem to make. I have been making other ones today too including turning down my city job properly, booking a random holiday, and just generally not behaving as I would expect myself too. I am at home because I felt I was too tired to teach and so would be a bit hysterical, but in reality I am struggling to concentrate or even stay in bed. The idea that I have a whole day with nothing that I have to do is rather odd for me and, as such, unsettling.

This is the first thing I have been able to focus on. I should really be prepping for my interview tomorrow, but another side-effect of feeling high is "thinking deep" about things, and in more casual moments I find myself thinking that I don't really want that job, or any job, and that really I just need to do nothing next year. This is making it hard for me to try and win that job - a big part of me is either apathetic or actively stopping me succeed at this.

Thinking deep-wise, I was just having lunch with my grandfather. He's 88 and a lovely old man, but I realised today we have nothing in common, there is a such a sea in the 64 years between us. I don't understand how we can be so different, how he was a village boy and school master and proper Tamil man, and I am what I am now. How can so much change in two generations? It makes me sad to think that I will never really know him, but also happy because he is with us even with the sea in between. I wonder what my grandchildren will be like and whether they'll ever feel like aliens to me?

I am going to try and read a book now. Should that fail, I think I will hit the gym. Just doing nothing is too difficult.

Having re-read that post, I see that it's full of contradictions. One part of me wants just to do nothing, the other part of me just won't let that happen. Like most internal battles, I will probably end up the casualty.

A better day

Surprise surprise I slept last night. But only after I had resolved to hand in my resignation today. Obviously that didn't happen - when my Head of Department came to check on me at about 8am, I completely bottled it, and said all was fine. This was despite having a near hysterical drive into school, where I think I was on auto-pilot since I don't know how I got there, my brain was entirely occupied by thoughts of running away to France. It seemed like the perfect idea at the time.

I feel weird today. Like I can't tell if I'm being normal or not. I know I'm probably not because half the people who spoke to me today (by people I mean teachers) were asking me why I wasn't so jolly, whilst the other half were most likely overwhelmed by my general bounciness. Oh gosh, I just realised that I need to DO SOME WORK. I am being observed tomorrow, and also I have to mark lots of books, rubbish. That said, today was a day to stay for.

Maybe I will have a shower first. Woo, it's almost the weekend!

A wee bit whirlwindy

I am mildly concerned that I might be getting a wee bit whirlwindy aka manic again. I say mildly because I am a bit drunk, but also because I am actually at home not being a nutter, so it can't be that bad. But the signs are there, in that in school I have lost the plot e.g. insisting my department perform a play of The Demon Headmaster when we should be packing crates (ok, not as nuts as all that, we have a copy of the play in a classroom, for some reason....plus I was bored). In the end I made them play poker with me, was the most surreal school day, weird. Generally I feel rather too lively, like in the gym I wanted to run for miles, and even after that I still wasn't tired, and now I just feel like getting into trouble. What is that about?

In other news, two people in our Year 8 dinner asked me if I had a partner at the moment. Again, what is that about? About 2 months ago, when they last asked me, they asked if I had a boyfriend, and now why the switch in lingo? Am I being stalked or can they read my mind or what? Bizarre.

And finally all I have drunk today is tea and alcohol after I put myself on a caffeine ban. Somehow water got caught up in there too. Must make an effort to be better tomorrow.

This Blog is kinda like a Pensieve

I am too busy. Almost to the point where if I think of all the things I have to do, I get dizzy. Thus I have decided it is therapeutic to blog for ten minutes so that I can get rid of lots of things from my head and so give me more space to process new things.

Firstly then, lots of drama in my classes. Have had three girls who, in separate incidents, absolutely lost their marbles with me. I'm coping well with all the negative emotion, phew, deep breath, let it go. At least they may have felt better just raging at me. Anyway, today I had one face-to-face apology, one written letter of apology, and one girl who tried so damn hard in the lesson to make up for it that I let some of it go. Not sure what's been happening with the kids, maybe they're just testing the boundaries?

Last night I went to a TF event on personal presentation. The woman hosting it was a wee bit odd, but I liked that. It was at Freshfields, but since there were no coaches or external "adult" contact type people there, the drinks and nibbles were noticeably absent. Boo. Anyway, the woman made lots of interesting and excellent points on first impressions, self reflection, values, strengths, weaknesses, and something called The Life Balance Wheel (I didn't really get this bit). I gave my tutor group the highlights of it today during an impromptu tutor time - they were quick off the mark, suggesting that people judge on appearance and how they are acting. One of them even pointed out that what you say isn't that important, it's more about how you say it. I was pleased with their thinking.

The woman also mentioned a coupla psychological concepts. The first was leakage whereby your body language gives away what you're really thinking and feeling regardless of what your mouth is saying. The second was the Reticular Activation System (RAS), which sounds like gobbledygook to me, but anyway...it's this thing whereby once you're thinking about something, you notice it more and more because your brain filters out lots of irrelevant things so you focus more on what you're interested in. For example, my father is always thinking about some car or other, and in the weeks leading up to when he actually buys the car, he will see the desired car everywhere, and will remark upon this very point. Similarly then, if you focus on the positives, you become a more positive person.

The last thing that interested me was the work values survey. Very important values to me: creativity, recognition, helping others and society, time freedom, competition, persuading people. Important values to me: learning new things, making decisions, risk, being an expert, pressure, communication, independence, challenge, variety, fast pace, community. Lots of things there. Upon reflection, it seems that teaching can offer me most of these things. Strange that!

What else? Well, my right hamstring is still sore, which means no physical activity, boo. Have SO MUCH marking to do. BITC business-education presentation tomorrow night, minor panic there since I can't view the presentation or remember the case studies, so no idea what I'm supposed to be saying! Have a full day of lessons to plan tomorrow, not sure what I'm teaching there either. Great.

And finally, in the tiny spare bit of thought I have left, well, it's full of people. No, not people, just one person. Ever had it when you've got someone in your head and you just can't get them out? In your head, under your skin, whatever you want to call it. I don't even know how they got there, they just kinda sneaked (snuck?) in and now I am all whirlwindy. This is alarming, I never thought I'd get distracted in this way again. I can't even do anything about it, it's very frustrating. Although now I have written all of this, I have more space in my head to contemplate.

Haha, what a good vague ramble, my favourite type! I'll leave you with two quotes from the presentation woman that I used with my kids today...

None of us is smarter than all of us.

Attitude is infectious - is yours worth catching?

Winding up the kids!

I feel a bit weird. Kinda tired but wired at the same time. Just been playing the piano, I think it drained my brain. On the plus side, have marked all my Y10 books :) But I have pulled my hamstring, which is no good.

Want an early night tonight, have a busy day tomorrow...excitement includes a department meeting and a TF event on "Personal Presentation", Obviously my personal presentation is awesome, but there'll be snacks there, so it'll be worth it.

Today I wound up my Y12 sociology group big time, it was lots of fun. We're studying theories of class and educational achievement. They all get deeply offended whenever anyone suggests anything negative about the working class, or about ethnic minorities. This happens all the time in the Education module, so we have regular riots.

In the lesson we looked at theories of material deprivation and cultural capital. Lots of outrage ensued when I suggested that working class families had fewer resources for their children, which may lead to lower initial ability and motivation. It got worse when I suggested that middle class families cared more about education and wanted to keep their children within middle class social groups, and also that schools are middle-class institutions based on the values, principles and methods of the middle classes, making it easier for them to succeed. Cue lots of angry outbursts such as "just cos my family are working class doesn't mean they don't care about education - I'm here now aren't I?" and then sullen looks. Heehee. Just to push them a little further, I brought up Herrnstein and Murray's Bell Curve - the idea that certain groups fare better in society because of their intelligence, which itself is fundamentally genetically determined i.e. some groups are more affluent because the genes of their race promote superior intelligence. They loved this theory, in that it was so ridiculous to them that it sealed the idea that sociological theories of class and educational achievement are all a load of bull.

Good, I am glad I am conveying the learning well.

And finally, my little brother is back from Tanzania. He brought me this back from Zanzibar. If only I was that revolutionary.

GCSE Results; Spain Fun; Stephen Fry + Bipolar Disorder

It's GCSE results day. Our kids reached 27% 5 A*-Cs, including English and Maths, which is really pretty great for us! Am even more psyched by the 41% A*-Cs in maths, and the 85% in statistics! Go maths department!

I guess from that last sentence you've figured I'm back in the UK. Spain was heavy. I love JIj, and not just cos of her house in Spain, but also because she is an awesome cook and all round wicked host. We all had an excellent time - sun, pool, drinking, eating, scrabble, all my favourites! Finally, what a holiday's meant to be about. There were 8 of us over there in total: Jij, Sprouse, Mouche, two of Sprouse's chemistry buddies from my college, and two Furies from this year's team. A really stellar bunch, with enough opportunities for drama to keep it interesting :) I particularly liked getting to know the people there that I didn't really know too well before. Heard some stories that you wouldn't believe, although out of respect for the tellers I won't repeat them on here. And when I say respect for the tellers, I mean respect - that's some hardcore stuff some of these people are chatting about. But aside from the stories and all that, we really did have a great time...am gutted my camera batteries ran out, else I could show you the photos from the fun. When will I actually use this camera properly?

Am also gutted to be back in England with all the rain and wind and autumn-ness...what's going on eh? Good thing I'll be away again this weekend :) Busy times ahead...have a wedding tomorrow afternoon, then my cousin and uncle fly in Saturday morning, it's Puja's birthday dinner on Sat night, and then we fly out to Greece before 7am on Sunday morning. Nicey nicey. Will be back the Sunday before school starts...I'm very grateful for the two days of inset!

So, before I pack up for the night, I want to ramble a bit about this excellent documentary we were watching on BBC4 after dinner. It was called Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. Unfortunately we'd missed the first episode of this two-parter, but nevertheless it made very good viewing. The whole thing was extremely insightful, featuring many famous and not-so famous manic depressives, of all ages and places, talking about how they'd been diagnosed, what bipolar disorder had done for their lives, how they'd learnt to cope etc. I didn't even know that Stephen Fry was bipolar, but clearly from the programme, which featured his both manic and depressive episodes, he's not really what you could call a "mild" sufferer. Still, he refuses to take medication, feeling that chemical changes would dull his mental state. It was interesting that when those interviewed were asked whether they'd get rid of their bipolarity entirely if they could, they all said no. I guess the buzz of the mania is just too good. I also found it interesting about the importance of diet, and how one woman claimed she could control her episodes by eating enough oily fish. I wonder if this is true?

Anyway, this programme has got me thinking a bit. I'd like to watch the other part too, just to see what it was all about. Obviously I'm not self-diagnosing myself, that would be too dramatic, heehee, but I think there are parts of this that cut a little close to the bone. Hmmm. I wouldn't really delve into this too much further, except the statistic that one in nine people, when left untreated, commit suicide. Don't worry, that would never happen to me, I'm scared of paper-cuts, let alone slitting my wrists! But on the other hand, I don't really care too much about death, I don't fear it or anything, which perhaps is odd.

Ok, now my rambling is disturbing me, so I will go back to the chatter about Spain and how much fun it was. Oh, except that I discovered that I am capable of jealousy, which was distressing. I wonder now though, can you be jealous of someone when you're not even sure you want what they have?

I'm such a weirdo today. I blame it on the fancy reserve that we had with dinner, it was just too tasty tasty to not be filled with something dodgy. I also think it is weird that I have labeled this post "weird things"...perhaps I too harbour some stigma about mental health and villas in Spain?

Today and not today

Today was a pretty typical Saturday in lots of ways, and it also wasn't.

Before I start the story, some good points from Friday, when I was liking school for the second day in a row! :

1. My new Y7 class - after some moving round of the Y7 sets, I have a new, slightly bigger, Y7 group. Finally I get to do all the things that I shoulda done right at the start of the year e.g. expectations for behaviour, learning, equipment, attitudes etc. I think sense good things will happen with this class.

2. Expectations, again, for the London Youth games football team. REY laid down the law to the girls, and I think it'll work, so no more moaning and negativity, excellent!

So, onto today. Well, the day itself was pretty standard so let's move on to the evening. Firstly, it was my mother's old school's fundraiser/reunion night. This was actually pretty great - particularly since my mother is President of her old school society, so lots of people know her, and thus want to know me. But, from a less selfish perspective, the evening was really well run, the food was good, the entertainment was great, and I was so proud of my mother's speech and her dance and things, I could see how much she'd put into it and it had all paid off. So yes, stage 1 was good.

After that, I made my way to Nina's birthday party at The Moose Bar off Oxford Street. Before that, another good thing - Bertie called me :) Yes, it was lovely to hear his voice and also find out that he is back in good old Blighty, for one week only (just like Phil Collins) and so I am looking forward to seeing his lovely self. Back to the story then. At Redbridge station I was just minding my own business waiting for a westbound train. An eastbound train pulls into the station and lots of people get off. Among them was a typical Essex couple - tall blondey sporty looking man, shorter blondey slightly under-dressed woman. The woman was grumbling about something, and then, as she passed me, she stopped, turned around, and came up to speak at me. "What are you then? Muslim or Hindu or what?" I could sense trouble so I replied that I had no firm religious beliefs (not true, but really, she should be glad I replied at all). She went on to criticise my dress - I guess her point was that my skirt was too short, but she couldn't really get straight to the point, preferring instead to mumble incoherently. Anyway, I was a bit cross at this, but decided not to retaliate since she looked a bit like a heroin addict and perhaps she might have thumped me, which would make things difficult at school on Monday: "why do you have that black-eye"..."oh because I wasn't dressed like a good Asian girl"...."so did you Dad hit you?"...."no, it was this wiry little white woman at the station". Hmmm.

I couldn't figure out how I felt about this woman. No-one has ever really said that I was dressed inappropriately before, but then part of me was kinda glad that this middle-aged woman was concerned about the "youth" (I heard this word amongst her ramblings). Still, I was annoyed since it seems like she was only critical of me because I wasn't white, when it shouldn't matter - if that's what she believes, she should say it to everyone, regardless of colour. Also, can't believe she lives in Redbridge - where has she been hiding all this time?

CK called me up, asking what I was doing tonight. Turned out he had VIP passes to see the Sugababes (v. cool) but managed to bring Meera and Gid along to The Moose afterwards. This was a good and fun thing - I like them. Was also pleased to see some Forest crew tonight, particularly Ange, Liz and Fi, whom I haven't seen in a good while.

On to the final strangeness then. In the cab on the way home (no nightbus tonight!) Ange and Liz started discussing the finer points of drink driving and why I was such a cretin for doing it. It's true, I agree with them, I'm an idiot for ever driving home after a few drinks, let alone regularly. They tried to make me justify it, and I couldn't really, only on the grounds of convenience. But, despite taking their arguments fully on board, I'm pretty sure I will keep doing it. Why? I dunno really, perhaps because I think it's worth the risk. This would be an ok reason, if it wasn't so darn selfish. Lots of things are wrong in what I do, but I think this is an obvious one that I should try and fix. Add it to the list.

All in all a pretty balanced night, but not looking forward to the planning tomorrow (no hangover - yep I can sense that already!) but loving the weekend :)

I'm back!

I'm back and running off that weird energy you get when you are knackered. Life is good, my holiday was great, I love Toronto, I love my cousins, I love my uncles and aunts, I love all my family over there and the general wholesome feeling of the place. I think it's the only place I go where I really feel like I have nothing pressing I have to do. Maybe that is what all holidays should feel like.

A more detailed update will follow, but some key thoughts:

1. I am adding The Pursuit of Happyness to my favourite films. I watched it on the flight back too and it almost made me cry both times. Too deep.

2. I wish I had a digital camera to record some of this stuff. I keep meaning to get this sorted. Humph.

3. Three girls from my school-life past have got in touch with me through the wonder of Facebook. This is a very nice and good thing. Two of my uncles are now on Facebook and at least 5 of the teachers from school are on Facebook. This is a kinda nice and good thing, but being the paranoidly guilty soul that I am, I fear only bad can come of this. Obviously no-one will care enough to actually stalk my activities but at any rate I think I will try and be a little less blase with my thoughts and actions. Gone are the days when misdemeanors were quickly forgotten.

And finally I think they are shooting a music video next door - strange. There's a huge red and black limo outside, the house is covered in lights, there's loads of cameras and photolights and stuff, and a red carpet too. Wonder what's happening...

Six weeks of school to go - good thing tomorrow is a training day! Can't believe it's the last bit of term for the year already!