Thinking other things today

I am having another quite unproductive day. Unproductive in the sense that I am ignoring my uni work. I am thinking once I wake up from my nap I HAVE TO DO SOME STATS but who knows whether that will happen? There's no real sense of urgency at the moment.

I've done some thinking about my research proposal at least. You would think this is a good thing. Actually it's not, in that I am thinking whether I really want do my research after all. Having looked at the WWOOF-ing Christmas newsletter I now have a fantasy of taking a year off and WWOOF-ing my way around the world, or the UK at least. Hmm. Must focus on something and stop daydreaming. Or, better yet, make my daydreams into real things.

In other news I have done some reading of AS Chemistry, all the while remembering Mrs Fine and all the fun "secret" end of term parties we used to have, ace! So far so good with the reading, although this is stuff for kids so it shouldn't be too hard. It made me realise how low-level it was when on p34 the sentence " 'inter' means between" appeared, followed closely by "van der Waals really is spelt with a small v - even at the beginning of a sentence". Oh dear.

Finished A Thousand Splendid Suns, felt very sad for Mariam and Laila and also all the people in Afghanistan and other places where women are treated so poorly and things are so bad. Went on to feeling bad for Sri Lanka and all the people in the war and the killings and bombings and destroyed stuff. Decided to stop feeling so bad and instead really appreciate what I have here and how lucky I am to have a loving liberal family and all the things (and more!) that I need. Perspective, yes. But still, poor people, and it's just luck where you're born, unless you believe in serious long-term karma. I don't know if I do, but then why else would people have to suffer so? I guess we just have to do the best we can with what we have and try and make use of our opportunities and help other people.

Rambley Update - mainly about books it seems

Phew. It's been a while since I posted. Things have been a bit hectic over here. In a good way.

Have been moving around the houses of all my cousins. Most of my time has been spent "playing," which, frankly, is awesome. Despite being almost 22 years older than my youngest cousin (who I've just managed to put to sleep) I get treated like one of the kids over here; this could explain why I like it so much. No need to think or worry about anything - we just play and eat and sleep and watch TV and its good fun. Lots of charades and Junior Monopoly and building blocks and all that kinda stuff, it's cool. With my older cousins we discuss stuff and argue and debate and that's cool too - it's great that they've grown up now, to actual people with opinions and ideas and knowledge.

Aside from all the family stuff (it was Tamil New Year on Sunday, so LOTS of family), I've been doing a lot of reading, and thinking too (essentially the work has been abandoned). I read a book called The One Minute Apology, which was useful. The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing was seriously thought-provoking, unusual, and weird too. I tried to not engage with it, but I couldn't help myself. It made me sad again, why can't people just be good and right to each other and themselves? After that I started Fifth Business but had to leave it at someone's house, so I will pick up a copy back home. But I did read Love Marriage, authored by a cousin on my dad's side, which really made me think. It's all about my family and Tamil society etc. so it's difficult to read it objectively, but it got good reviews from outsiders, and I really liked it. Like her, I feel lost in myself, in so many ways.

Over here you feel your Tamilness a lot stronger than in London, but then you also feel your lack of Tamilness too, even in simple things like cooking and colloquialisms, and just "how we do things back home" versus what I've been brought up with. The second generation here sometimes seem to know where they stand, but mostly they're lost too.

Now I'm halfway through The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I love, but it's at another cousin's house.

Thinking wise, well, this is funny. All my aunts and uncles, whenever I ask them when they're next coming to visit, they say they'll be coming for my wedding. I was shocked, and then became quite prickly about it, so they only joke with me now and then, but really, I think they're gearing themselves up for a wedding. Sure I'll be 25 in September (marriage alert, marriage alert!) but what? I can't be getting married any time soon, I don't know what I'm doing in practically every aspect of my life, how on earth can I cater to someone else's? Hmm, this is unnerving, it's like a rock hanging just above my chest, and occasionally I feel it press down and it scares me. It's odd though, because my little cousin was reading her story book to me, and in it the main character spoke about "feeling like a weight had been removed from his shoulders", but my cousin said that the main character still wasn't happy, as even though the weight had been removed, the pain from the weight remained on his shoulders. Pretty deep for an 8-year-old.

Anyway, I'm heading back from Ajax to Brampton tomorrow so will try and give a less random update before I head back to London. Most excitingly, we're going to the Royal Ontario Museum, which sounds like it'll be full of random tat exhibits, woo hoo! A helpful distraction.