Phew. It's been a while since I posted. Things have been a bit hectic over here. In a good way.
Have been moving around the houses of all my cousins. Most of my time has been spent "playing," which, frankly, is awesome. Despite being almost 22 years older than my youngest cousin (who I've just managed to put to sleep) I get treated like one of the kids over here; this could explain why I like it so much. No need to think or worry about anything - we just play and eat and sleep and watch TV and its good fun. Lots of charades and Junior Monopoly and building blocks and all that kinda stuff, it's cool. With my older cousins we discuss stuff and argue and debate and that's cool too - it's great that they've grown up now, to actual people with opinions and ideas and knowledge.
Aside from all the family stuff (it was Tamil New Year on Sunday, so LOTS of family), I've been doing a lot of reading, and thinking too (essentially the work has been abandoned). I read a book called The One Minute Apology, which was useful. The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing was seriously thought-provoking, unusual, and weird too. I tried to not engage with it, but I couldn't help myself. It made me sad again, why can't people just be good and right to each other and themselves? After that I started Fifth Business but had to leave it at someone's house, so I will pick up a copy back home. But I did read Love Marriage, authored by a cousin on my dad's side, which really made me think. It's all about my family and Tamil society etc. so it's difficult to read it objectively, but it got good reviews from outsiders, and I really liked it. Like her, I feel lost in myself, in so many ways.
Over here you feel your Tamilness a lot stronger than in London, but then you also feel your lack of Tamilness too, even in simple things like cooking and colloquialisms, and just "how we do things back home" versus what I've been brought up with. The second generation here sometimes seem to know where they stand, but mostly they're lost too.
Now I'm halfway through The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I love, but it's at another cousin's house.
Thinking wise, well, this is funny. All my aunts and uncles, whenever I ask them when they're next coming to visit, they say they'll be coming for my wedding. I was shocked, and then became quite prickly about it, so they only joke with me now and then, but really, I think they're gearing themselves up for a wedding. Sure I'll be 25 in September (marriage alert, marriage alert!) but what? I can't be getting married any time soon, I don't know what I'm doing in practically every aspect of my life, how on earth can I cater to someone else's? Hmm, this is unnerving, it's like a rock hanging just above my chest, and occasionally I feel it press down and it scares me. It's odd though, because my little cousin was reading her story book to me, and in it the main character spoke about "feeling like a weight had been removed from his shoulders", but my cousin said that the main character still wasn't happy, as even though the weight had been removed, the pain from the weight remained on his shoulders. Pretty deep for an 8-year-old.
Anyway, I'm heading back from Ajax to Brampton tomorrow so will try and give a less random update before I head back to London. Most excitingly, we're going to the Royal Ontario Museum, which sounds like it'll be full of random tat exhibits, woo hoo! A helpful distraction.
