Number of teaching days left to the end of term = 54
Number of sick days this term = 1
Boo. I have spectacularly failed to go to school today, and now I feel guilty, and restless. I think it's because I was only half-hearted about teaching today, so really I could have forced myself in, and yes, had a rubbish day, but at least done it. I am not pleased with my recent lack of discipline and will. In the past I was always able to make myself do things I didn't particularly want to do, but I have noticed that I have started giving myself the easier option and just getting out of things. Hmm, I need to work on that.
Actually it was good this morning to think that I had a free day. I need one in some ways. When the weekend is busy and intense and a bit unreal, then returning to normal routines is a challenge. Routines are very important for me I think, so I should try my best to stick to them.
Really I had intended to go to school today, it wasn't a planned skip, as I have been known to do in the past. What happened was I missed the last central line tube home last night, so then ended up with no way home (didn't want to take the crazy night bus by myself on a Sunday night, didn't want to take the tube to Walthamstow and get a cab from there, didn't have enough cash to pay the HUGE cab fee home) so stayed at X's, which gets me high a bit I think, and so in the morning when it came to getting up and going, I decided not to.
I think part of being a bit high might be the impulsive decisions that I seem to make. I have been making other ones today too including turning down my city job properly, booking a random holiday, and just generally not behaving as I would expect myself too. I am at home because I felt I was too tired to teach and so would be a bit hysterical, but in reality I am struggling to concentrate or even stay in bed. The idea that I have a whole day with nothing that I have to do is rather odd for me and, as such, unsettling.
This is the first thing I have been able to focus on. I should really be prepping for my interview tomorrow, but another side-effect of feeling high is "thinking deep" about things, and in more casual moments I find myself thinking that I don't really want that job, or any job, and that really I just need to do nothing next year. This is making it hard for me to try and win that job - a big part of me is either apathetic or actively stopping me succeed at this.
Thinking deep-wise, I was just having lunch with my grandfather. He's 88 and a lovely old man, but I realised today we have nothing in common, there is a such a sea in the 64 years between us. I don't understand how we can be so different, how he was a village boy and school master and proper Tamil man, and I am what I am now. How can so much change in two generations? It makes me sad to think that I will never really know him, but also happy because he is with us even with the sea in between. I wonder what my grandchildren will be like and whether they'll ever feel like aliens to me?
I am going to try and read a book now. Should that fail, I think I will hit the gym. Just doing nothing is too difficult.
Having re-read that post, I see that it's full of contradictions. One part of me wants just to do nothing, the other part of me just won't let that happen. Like most internal battles, I will probably end up the casualty.
Number of sick days this term = 1
Boo. I have spectacularly failed to go to school today, and now I feel guilty, and restless. I think it's because I was only half-hearted about teaching today, so really I could have forced myself in, and yes, had a rubbish day, but at least done it. I am not pleased with my recent lack of discipline and will. In the past I was always able to make myself do things I didn't particularly want to do, but I have noticed that I have started giving myself the easier option and just getting out of things. Hmm, I need to work on that.
Actually it was good this morning to think that I had a free day. I need one in some ways. When the weekend is busy and intense and a bit unreal, then returning to normal routines is a challenge. Routines are very important for me I think, so I should try my best to stick to them.
Really I had intended to go to school today, it wasn't a planned skip, as I have been known to do in the past. What happened was I missed the last central line tube home last night, so then ended up with no way home (didn't want to take the crazy night bus by myself on a Sunday night, didn't want to take the tube to Walthamstow and get a cab from there, didn't have enough cash to pay the HUGE cab fee home) so stayed at X's, which gets me high a bit I think, and so in the morning when it came to getting up and going, I decided not to.
I think part of being a bit high might be the impulsive decisions that I seem to make. I have been making other ones today too including turning down my city job properly, booking a random holiday, and just generally not behaving as I would expect myself too. I am at home because I felt I was too tired to teach and so would be a bit hysterical, but in reality I am struggling to concentrate or even stay in bed. The idea that I have a whole day with nothing that I have to do is rather odd for me and, as such, unsettling.
This is the first thing I have been able to focus on. I should really be prepping for my interview tomorrow, but another side-effect of feeling high is "thinking deep" about things, and in more casual moments I find myself thinking that I don't really want that job, or any job, and that really I just need to do nothing next year. This is making it hard for me to try and win that job - a big part of me is either apathetic or actively stopping me succeed at this.
Thinking deep-wise, I was just having lunch with my grandfather. He's 88 and a lovely old man, but I realised today we have nothing in common, there is a such a sea in the 64 years between us. I don't understand how we can be so different, how he was a village boy and school master and proper Tamil man, and I am what I am now. How can so much change in two generations? It makes me sad to think that I will never really know him, but also happy because he is with us even with the sea in between. I wonder what my grandchildren will be like and whether they'll ever feel like aliens to me?
I am going to try and read a book now. Should that fail, I think I will hit the gym. Just doing nothing is too difficult.
Having re-read that post, I see that it's full of contradictions. One part of me wants just to do nothing, the other part of me just won't let that happen. Like most internal battles, I will probably end up the casualty.
