A turbulent day

Today has been interesting. To say the least.

Firstly, Berts, lovely to chatter with you last night, deep & meaningfuls are all the more so with you.

Secondly, this ramble is going to be decidedly frank and bold, so beware. Take it with a swift measure of something stronger than Fruit Shoot.

Good things:

1. I got my offer from Wolfson today, which is exciting. I think going back to uni will be good fun, so it's a relief to know my plans are starting to be sorted (albeit loosely)
2. I had my second round interview at TF and that went ok I think. I was a bit hyper, but hopefully that will be interpreted as enthusiasm. We'll see how that goes, but fingers crossed.
3. I spilt beetroot juice all over my top, usually a bad thing, but it was so funny to see the big purple splodge that I have decided it is a good thing.
   

Bad things:

This won't really be in list form, and is also where it goes a bit serious, so stop reading now if you want light-hearted banter and not really any substance. So I got sent home/decided to take the option of going home early today because I was in a bit of a state. Really, I suppose I've been in a bit of state (with regards to this current state) for about 2 weeks. Up and down pretty much, which is tiring and odd. I remember when I was coming back from Canada I was pretty miserable and that first weekend back was outright despair. The less said about that the better (unless it's with some kinda trained professional I think). But then pretty soon after that I started getting high, I could feel it all last week, and then the weekend was just stellar, I can't remember it really, just that I know I must have been ticking some of the manic boxes. Even reading back on my posts I can see it. Perhaps that is partly why I am writing this one, for posterity's sake. Not that I'm planning my kids any time soon, or even whether I'd want them to read this. But that's an aside.

The last two days have been quite turbulent I think. I am feeling rational and kinda ok and normal now, but yesterday I was pretty reckless and then today I was back to despairing. I taught one lesson, feeling all fragile on the inside after waking up kind of numb. I guess I was acting oddly anyway, so when I said that I felt unpredictable, the alarm bells started ringing and an early finish was offered. I'm glad I took it, despite running out of time off, as I wouldn't have got through the day, I can feel it know thinking back, and it makes me shudder I was so off-key.

Unpredictable is how I would describe how I feel and all of this. I was quite upset and so I went to bed when I got home (10:30am, shocker!) and then when I woke up I felt empty again, but this time it was nice because it's a relief to feel nothing rather than have to feel everything all at once. The turmoil and the intensity and the pressure of the feelings is what gets to me, in that everything is all about NOW and it's difficult to get perspective, it's all impulsive and spontaneous and extremes. I don't like the extremes too much, and while I feel I am coping (badly, but still) at the moment, I am terrified of the time when I may not cope, or may not be as rational, and then lose the plot in an even bigger way.

That's why I called up the psychology people again and ask to be re-referred. I think it's time I properly attempted to sort this out since it's not going away and if anything it's getting worse, it's messing things up and I can't seem to control it, it just controls me. It will be tough to go through it all, and inconvenient, and arduous etc. but while I am holding on to being rational, I can see there is so much potential in me for destruction at both ends of the scale that it would be wrong and selfish not to try and fix it a bit.

In the meantime I am just going to try and take it a bit at a time, and not let myself get so high or so low, and keep reminding myself that once upon a time I did feel "normal" and that these times will come by again. It's just really hard to keep a grip when it starts to take over - life is just something that happens around it it seems, like I am just the vehicle for my "insanity". I wish I could keep my perspective and stay objective about it. In fact, when you read this now you probably think this can't really be happening since it seems pretty factual and disengaged, but it IS happening, and this is me trying to keep a lid on it.

Anyway, two more days of school, and we will just see how it goes. I have decided that if I fail my NQT year because of too much time off, then so be it. I can't push myself through it when I'm rollercoastering inside, so I should just let that pressure go, and concentrate on the little things.

Ending on a good note, the one lesson I did teach today was really good, top set Y7s on co-ordinates, so clearly I can put on the smile and do the business if I am forced too (although doing that all day wouldn't have been possible). Let's hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. And failing that, that I can feel a bit in control of the rest of it, and make it back to bed at night.

A good day, even with drama

Today went well. Mostly. I had some lovely attendees at my maths support club, and all my lessons were good - I think I gave out about 20 merits in the day, that's loads. Y10 were really great, worked really hard etc. I think my day depends on Y10 and my tutor group - if they are both good, then the day is good.

Have two kids on blue report (danger of exclusion) and one girl currently excluded, plus some other TROUBLEMAKERS. Wish they could behave better. On the plus side, had a discussion with my Learning Log mentor, and he seems to think we're making good progress on the goals. This is despite the Head of Y12 having to postpone the Cambridge trip that I spent ages trying to organise. Grrr.

Only have one set of books left to mark this week, yay! Also, tomorrow is World Maths Day so I figure I will take my classes to the computer rooms so they can take part online. Obviously this is a recipe for disaster since the website will crash and the kids will riot. Oh well. I am happy right now.

One minor drama today though. Apparently I have had so much time off school that I am in danger of not passing my NQT year. That is awful bad news, equivalent to failing, I can't be doing that. Except I have already resigned my post, so it'll be tricky to have to extend my training to another term. Plus I don't want to have to come back in September, I already have a job lined up. I can't believe it really, I'm slightly shocked, since I was so highly rated last year, and now this year they think I'm going to fail. Crumbs. Better pull my socks up. I'm sure it'll be fine...

That's all for now. National Bed Month remember? Go to bed!

Being sworn at. Again.

I got told to "stick it up my f*cking arse" by one of the girls in my tutor group today. This is after speaking to her mother about her poor behaviour. Sigh.

This is the third time a kid has sworn in my face in the last 6 days. I am beginning to wonder if I have "swear at me" written on my forehead. Or what I am doing differently that is vexing these kids so?

On the one side, I am pretty dumbfounded when kids swear at me, I am just so shocked by the words that I don't really react straight away. And then I tend to let it go, and not worry too much. But then on the other I am entirely indignant, why should I have to deal with that kind of abuse? And what kind of child speaks that way? I can't remember ever being so rude to someone like that. Probably the question is what kind of parents/carers allow/teach their children to speak like that?

More positively, today the Y8 girls' basketball team made the Waltham Forest Borough final, which is awesome! The game was so much drama - against another local school and it was point to point all the way, with our girls winning by just a single point, and a desperate fight to the finish. There were tears and cheers and hugs and all kinds of craziness at the end, I love how sport can do that.

Also, I have booked a half-term escape to Dubai and I can't wait! It's three loooong weeks to a break, but now I have a clearer goal in sight - sun and life out school, woooo!

I am meant to be marking, but I'm on strike, I don't want to do it, there's just too much. Instead I shall retire to bed with my overdue library books.

Naughty tutor group

I just re-read my last post about being gloriously unbusy and having finished all my work. Is that still true? Errrr, no! I am cream-crackered and have about 50 books to mark. Boo!

Why do I have so much work today? Because I did none last night, because I was busy watching Spurs thrash Arsenal, woooo! What an awesome game, I can't believe it, 5-1?! That's insane scoring, especially against Arsenal. I'm so pleased, we're finally gonna play in a Cup Final at Wembley, wow. Perhaps still a bit in shock.

Accidentally got a bit drunk last night with X, we drank our way through the Australian beers. Not too much, but enough to be dehydrated and mildly hungover. Also, decided it'd be a good idea last night when I got home to tidy up stuff, stupid idea, mainly because then I only had four hours sleep. Why do I keep forgetting that teaching tired and hungover is not fun? I need to make a sign and carry it around to remind me of this important fact.

Today was dramatastic, properly dramatastic, school-wise. Yesterday one of the Y8s told me to "get out my f*cking face" and we had a massive long department meeting, so that wasn't fun. So today the fall-out. Had to chase up the exclusion for this girl, plus at the meeting it was decided that I'd do all the maths book ordering for the new library, except the deadline to sort this out was today, whoops. Despite having two free periods today, I spent all my time chasing up kids. My tutor group have gone nuts. Some highlights from today:

• "A" got in a fight at lunchtime with a Y7. A is a good girl, I don't know what happened there.
• "S" called an English teacher a "f*cking rude git". Consequently her and three others were kicked out of their English lesson so we had to spend a free lesson sorting that out.
• "H" was caught tearing around the school, and then spent a further 10 minutes giving the 2nd in Science and the security people the run around, before finally being caught.
• Another "A" has picked up two hours of detention in maths for being badly behaved, so I had to call her mum.

On top of that I have something like 15 incident reports for various kids and it's only Wednesday. Being a tutor is a serious full-time job, especially with all the drama. There's no time to sort them all out properly. Like today I wanted to spend some time with "S" as she has to see a counsellor tomorrow, plus she's worried about being excluded for her swearing, but there was just no time. I wish I could be there for them a bit more.

Lessons were ok mostly, except Y9, two kids were upsetting each other, then one started crying and hid under his jacket, more drama. During break duty there was a bit of chaos in the dining hall, and "D" in Y11 said "you are so f*cking hype man" to me when I wouldn't let him storm back out the doors. So much swearing today, why do they think it's ok to do this?

On the plus side, Mos came to speak to VIth form, that was really good, except he kept calling me by my first name in front of the kids, which was really funny. And also because I took him up to my classroom afterwards, and I had lots of my "silly" kids in detention, and they spent all their time and energy winding him up and me up, asking us if we were a couple, whether we fancied each other etc. Actually that was quite funny, if only they knew eh?

In an ideal world I'd go to bed now and get some rest. Or I'd go to the gym and have a good work out. But instead I have to mark my Y8 tests and think about my higher education meeting tomorrow. Oh and the book list. Oh and the risk assessment. I think I may be TOOOOOO busy. Good thing I am blogging instead. About another stay day.

A day to undo

Oh maaan, I had a complete freak-out in school today. Ok, not complete, but close. I think the only ways it could have been worse is if more kids had seen, more staff had seen, and I'd cried louder and for longer. It wasn't actual wailing as such, more just tears, but public enough, bugger.

I can't take it when people ask me what's wrong, particularly if it's not really any one thing in particular, but rather loads of things all piled altogether.

I think I just had a sh*t day, and then when the maths department started asking me about it, and more and more of them appeared, then I cracked. Usually I am pretty good at the whole keeping it together thing, so I am so f*cked off that I have let this happen.

I wouldn't really put this up here, and maybe I won't post it, but I remember one of the other teachers saying that my problem was that while other people take it out on other people, I take it out on myself. Maybe this is true. Definitely for 99% of people (including my family) I will keep the smile on my face. And for the other 1% they will get the truth sometimes, but really I don't want to bother them, or for them to feel bad, or even for them to judge me for being rubbish or weak.

My problem at the moment I suppose is partly to do with not sleeping, partly to do with not being able to exercise (i.e. run off the stress) and partly to do with me not letting myself go a bit mental or on a bender to ease it all. That's probably the worst thing I could do, since I'd only feel worse the next day. Perhaps better is writing it out like this, then it is at least a bit gone from me. And hopefully not gone from me into you.

What I don't understand is why other teachers say that days are like this, and we have some good days and some bad days and blah blah blah. That is just b*llocks, before I left uni I had mostly good days, and when I had bad days it was mostly because I'd f*cked something up in some way i.e. it was in my control. So why do people put up with this when there are so many bad days, so many tough days full of crap, when we could all be living sunnier, easier, happier lives elsewhere? Where we could at least be more in control over what is going on.

I guess my other problem is that I hate people seeing me like that, it hardly happens, only once before have I cried over school, and that day I remember vividly, because my Y8s last year had pushed me too far, and I stormed out of school and was sobbing down the phone to Bertie, and then just went back in and got on with it. So maybe they are right, maybe crying a bit makes you feel better? But I don't really feel better, I feel like I'm not good enough as a teacher, and that this is all a bit futile, and it's just too hard, I want to give up, and it's only stubborness and a refusal to fail or to let myself feel too sorry for myself that keeps me in it. Not all days are like this, but too many days for it to be ok.

Dang it I am still so cross, and I have two sets of books to mark, and I need to make a plan because otherwise I will feel like I have no control. So step 1, hold it together, step 2, look at the positives. At least only a few kids saw me (albeit the mouthy ones, who will patently tell all their friends, which will make tomorrow difficult). Ahh f*ck I still remember the teachers at my school who I saw cry, and I remember thinking they were wimps. Tomorrow's gonna be tough. I want it to be the weekend now.

And I wish I'd just walked away rather than letting them try and talk to me, cos it never helps. This is why all that therapy stuff is rubbish, it doesn't work, it only makes you feel worse. And now they will all also think that I am nuts and can't cope with this, which is maybe true, at least a bit.

Well, this is turning into quite a rant. I think I will stop now and take some deep calming breaths. Mmm air. And the current tally for 2008 : days to make me stay = 4 days to make me leave = 3. And by the way, the day wasn't all bad, it just got too much towards the end.

Oh but since I think I will post this, please don't worry, and don't ask me if I'm alright, cos it'll break down all my efforts on the "keeping it together" front. I have a meeting at the corporates tomorrow, perfect timing.

And on with the show.

End of Term!

It's the official end of term, oh yes! Woo, another term completed, yay!

Most of yesterday spent celebrating, but also sorting out classrooms and unpacking the crates in the new building. Very excited about having my own proper room but wasn't impressed with having to lug about 30 huge boxes out of my room, which weren't meant to have been in there in the first place. Was ok though, plugged in my MP3 player to the build-in room sound system, and was bouncing away to all sorts of stuff :)

My face is numb, I have been out far far too much this week, and at yesterday's staff Christmas lash round two my behaviour was not quite perfect. Oh dear, good thing none of us have to face each other at work today. Perhaps that's why city workers throw their parties on Thursdays so that you have to deal with the consequences the next day?

Anyway, generally lots of hilarity and good fun with school people. Somehow decided that I would stay in school next year after all, and then went and told lots of people, so a bit stuck there since not sure that's what I want to do. Also played a trumpet in the pub, that was funny, and gave out lots of relationship advice to the funny English teacher. Got caught up in a weird triangle later in the evening, which involved my phone being messed around with and then lots of ridiculous revelations from lots of people. This is what happens when there's too much drink around, your tongue just gets loose and before you know it, you've done some things you probably shouldn't have. Oh well, nothing doing about that now.

What else? I am super hyper, people are noticing e.g. Jade in my funny piano lesson just now, but on the other hand I have moments of brilliant focus and drive, it's a kinda nice balance. Just hope we don't get too reckless.

PS Spurs losing to Arsenal after a missed penalty = not cool.

Packing and Weekend Stuff

I have spent all day packing up my classroom and various other bits of the maths department. I now hate packing crates. Also, due to being sleep-deprived and not really interested in packing, I just threw things into crates, meaning when it comes to January and I have to unpack, it's going to be awful. Oh well, let's not think about that.

Weekend went by too quickly. Had a great lunch with Team Maths, despite the absence of Fonz due to her falling on her face on Friday night, tut tut. We went to the Eat Thai in St Christopher's Place, fancy and intimate, I liked it. Great food - I had the King Prawn Pad Thai (my standard) and it was delicious and a huge portion. Nice wines too, am impressed, it's on the list. Minor dramas after lunch, including forgetting the shopping in the restaurant and debates over what to do next, but all sorted.


Later in the afternoon some changes of plans and then lots of units and lots of drama. I can't figure out if I want a drama-free 2008 or not. Anyway, girls, you'll be pleased to know I did the right thing, as all of you were nagging me to do (heehee, nagging, it's true!) and I feel a lot better. And after a ridiculous concoction of drinks, I still went to bed with a smile on my face. Thank you.

Oh man I wanna go to bed, but I think we are going out now. Not a good plan before a whole day of Interactive Whiteboard training, oh no. Roll on proper holidays.

Yay it's the holidays!

Bah humbug. It's pretty much expected that as soon as the Christmas holidays start, teachers get sick. Booo. I am getting a cold, and am desperately trying to fight it by staying in tonight rather than going on the massive birthday based bender that was originally planned. Not my birthday, a friend's, but a bender nonetheless. But now I can think of nothing more exciting that going to bed early in the hope that I wake up nice and healthy. Fingers crossed, I have a busy day tomorrow.

Yay it's the holidays! Woohoo, 3 weeks of no kids and no teaching! True, the staff still have one more week of a combination of ICT training and packing for the new building, but whatever, will be fine, particularly since I have lots of revelry planned next week, so there will enough to keep me entertained (and hopefully not too hungover!)

The staff pantomime for the kids was awesome, Cinderella, so so funny! I loved how keen loads of the male teachers were to get dressed up as women, and there were loads of kiddie jokes, and jokes for the grown-ups, and inside staff jokes too, excellent! Alas, didn't get to play trumpet after all due to time constraints and problems getting enough cover, but no matter. Thoroughly enjoyed wearing my Santa hat and snowman earrings all day, plus all the Christmas cards and chocolates and games etc. I like the festive spirit! Lovely staff Christmas lunch then a pretty epic drinking session, teachers are such alchies! Woke up not too bad today, but then remembered some of the controversies from the night, and kinda cringed. Heehee, it's all in good fun I'm sure. Will try and stay out of trouble next week.

Yay yay yay, one more time! Now off to wrap the presents and marvel at my excellent Christmas decorating skills. The tinsel all over our stairs and banisters is my special favourite.

Car drama!

It was so frosty and icy this morning that my brakes froze up! Scary stuff, basically they just locked and then the car skidded a bit, but luckily I'd been slowing down anyway at a pretty quiet residential road, and it stopped at the junction, so no harm done. Completely forgot what I was meant to do if the car skidded, although remembered something about pumping brakes or something so tried that, then turned the car off and on again (hahaha, just like if there's a problem with my laptop!) and then it was ok. Phew.

What else? No actual teaching today, just DVDs and charades and games and stuff. Year 8 alternative awards assembly was lots of fun. Form were mostly good today, except this morning when I gave out their reports and three of the girls just ripped theirs up and threw them in the bin. They apologised about this later, but still. I can't even imagine ever ripping up a report at school, or even having one so awful that it warranted disposal. Shame.

Apart from that am very much in the festive spirit, looking forward to all the drinks and parties and carols and fun times. One day of school to go, and it's only a half day, yay! Just need to get through 3 hours with my tutor group first...

Sober Rambles

It's Sunday. Back in the day I think I used to lesson plan on Sundays. I have given this up. One week of school to go, and the kids will be demanding "fun lessons" left, right and centre. Plus Friday probably won't be a proper day of lessons, and then when you take away four afternoon lessons and one PSHE games lesson, well, I'm left with nine lessons to plan. Hardly seems worth spending Sunday doing.

I do, however, have to complete my Learning Log. Again. Boo.

So I am tired. I went to bed very late, about 7 hours ago, after J from TF's birthday shenanigans. Crucially, I am not that hungover. Either that or I am so used to my Friday night hangover that it just seems normal. Anyway, we went to the Covent Garden Comedy Club and saw some excellent stand-up. It was held at Heaven, which is pretty fun club anyway, and a really intimate stand-up venue. I was properly laughing my head off for most of it. I haven't been to much stand-up since my gap year, when I was quite into it, but it's definitely something else that is going back on the list. I think I liked it so much because I find everything funny - whether it's offensive, complaining, self-deprecating, fantastical, autobiographical, whatever, it's all funny to me. Obviously, those of you that know me know I think I'm hilarious, but these people are on another level. That said, if I had all day every day to read the paper and contemplate my life, well, I'm sure I could think of a few gags.

The tickets included entry into Motion, which is just on the riverbank near Embankment. Good fun there too. Enough said. When I combine the chatter of last night with a college friend's Christmas party on Friday night, it's pretty obvious why I've practically lost my voice. It's at that sore/husky stage, where it could go either way. School will patently push it into non-existence. Anyway, the party on Friday was my first Christmas party of the season and it was really good, mainly because it was full of people I knew from college and from Oxford and from my gap year, so it was great to catch-up. The mulled wine went down a treat, even when it became purely hot red wine, and it was just nice to see how far everyone had come and catch-up with those people I've just not seen for ages.

To keep up the busy-ness of the weekend I had lunch and went to the Natural History Museum yesterday with someone I shall just call X because I know what you are all like with gossip. The only downer was seeing my mangy fox daemon on display - a truly verminous specimen. Apart from that, I am having fun there. It's kinda weird how I feel, but I like it.

I am pleased with the reintroduction of many non-drinking activities to my life. And also the way that I have swapped school for an actual life. Good times.

Ending on a dramatic note though, here's my Sunday Times horoscope for this week. Am already nervous about Tuesday...

Because you think things through carefully when you first hear about them, you’re rarely caught off-guard. But when events involve a form of transformation, as is the case with those triggered by Tuesday’s encounter between Jupiter and Pluto, there's little chance you could anticipate the sequence and impact of events. That being the case, forget about analysing everything and live one day, or even one hour, at a time. Because changes involve matters close to home, there could be dramas. But, with Jupiter showing its more benevolent face next week, you’ll soon be smiling again.

I hope so.

Good Teaching Stuff

Another good day today. I am liking this.

Most people are looking fairly exhausted by now. Eight days of teaching left, then the extra 5 days of INSET and closure to move to the new building. We're all counting them, but given that I've had 4 weeks off, I'm feeling fairly fresh.

Did a lot of running around after my form today. There was some drama about books being thrown out of the windows in my absence. E was having an off-day and getting kicked out/storming out of lessons. We made a bargain and shook hands saying we'd both do our best to get through the day. Crazy H is back from Pakistan and looking more care-worn than ever. I want to hug him and feed him and nurture him and make him alright, he's like a little stray dog to me. We chatted about minor things; it's difficult to talk with him properly, but I hope he understands that we all want him to have a fresh start.

Saw my Y12s for the first time today, was very funny, got into a huge debate about sex and religious education in school. A good number were very much supporters of the whole "if you come to this country you should accept British values" which is hilarious since they're from all over the place and not exactly your typical right-wing types, heehee. Had my Y9s after lunch, although not teaching them, just sorting them out a bit. Was dead sweet, they all cheered when I was back and said how much they had missed me etc. so was actually quite devastated to have to then turn around and leave them with a supply teacher and tell them I wouldn't be with them properly until after half-term. Oh well.

Finally, went to a TF event on "Managing Your School Career", which is ironic since I figured I was leaving, but now that I'm back I've got some perspective again and I realise how much I do love it, especially the kids and the staff at my school. There's no other place you could go to where if you were off sick literally hundreds of people would be asking how you were and checking up on you in the corridors (even the naughty kids do it, it's great!). It's such a community, despite all the problems, and I can't think of being needed or doing as much good in the same way as I feel I am at school.

Gosh, with all this drama I get concerned any time I have a strong feeling of any type. I am paranoid I am subtly getting manic without noticing. It's no good all of this thinking. I am confused.

Anyway, words of the day today:

capricious - changeable (I'm sure I've looked this up before...)
complaisant - showing a cheerful willingness to do favours for others
ossuary - a building below ground level
diaphanous - semitransparent
parsimonious - excessively unwilling to spend
perfidious - tending to betray (punic is a synonym, what a great word!)
itinerant - traveling from place to place for work

First Day Back at School

First day back at school today, after the extended hiatus. Pretty good actually, was very cool to be back. Only one truly awful moment where I contemplated running away home, but the rest was ok. I'm doing half-days for the rest of this term and have been relieved of the majority of my tutor responsibilities so that I can ease myself back. Had a return to work meeting where I had to explain what had been wrong with me. Was rather cagey, despite my HoD being there too and him already knowing a bit about it all, but anyway. Am thinking perhaps tomorrow I will come clean a bit more so that in case I lose the plot again they can be prepared.

My Y7s were convinced I'd fainted last week and that was why I'd had to go home. My Y8s were angels and just so glad to learn some maths again. Y10s were a handful - they are so love/hate with me. One sticky moment when I kicked out J after she threw a strop. Was going to turn into a slanging match, but she left. Found out later in the day that during my absence she'd been excluded for breaking another girl in my maths group's nose by punching her in the face. So bad were her injuries that she's had to have reconstructive surgery. Scary. Also got into a battle with L who was passing his mobile phone to the girl behind him and then kicked off when I tried to confiscate it. But mostly the day was ok.

Am having crazy dreams for the two hours I'm getting most nights. Really should bother to keep that mood/sleep diary. Hmmm. Still, I'm glad to be back in the game.

Finally a quote that I saw on someone's Facebook today....

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. - Winston Churchill

I like that.

The saga continues

So despite hoping I would make it in to school this week, I am in fact now signed-off sick again. Not entirely sure where the good intentions have gone - perhaps to the same place where my sleep is as that's disappeared too. There are now only two teaching weeks left of this half-term, I can't believe it, how behind are all my kids gonna be?

I'm getting a bit fed up of all this, I just want to zoom through until I am back to normal again. Bleeeurrrrgh. It's really weird too, in that I am quite restless and bored with all this "resting" but then on the other hand I can't really get myself to properly do anything.

Once again, has anyone seen my lost plot? I miss it.

Drama catch-up

So what's new? Well, things have been pretty dramatastic. Went up to Oxford on Saturday for a mini-reunion, was awesome fun. Forgot about how Christmas in Oxford happens in November, and also about how easy it is to sit around and shoot the breeze, with a few cheeky drinks along the way of course. Saw lots of lovely Furies, including some I haven't seen for aaaages, and also an old friend of mine from school, so that was ace. Obviously things went a bit drama-shaped late on in the night, but that's standard form really nowadays, it woulda been a shocker if nothing had happened.

Sunday was Anusha acca's wedding. Another huge and complicated affair, with lots of mad dashing around and helping (or not helping as the case turned out to be - not that I shirked my responsibilities too much, heehee). The wedding itself was lovely, Anusha looked beautiful and the best man was hilarious. The reception in the evening was awesome too, I think partly because almost everyone was in a party-mood. The free bar was ridiculous, as was the huge amounts of food, yum yum. The speeches were funny and there was even a belly dancer for entertainment! Anyway, to cut a long story short, my cousins and I got on a mission and were pretty wrecked. Woke up drunk yesterday morning, then was rather ill for most of the day, with an awful awful hangover. Might have something to do with mixing six different types of drink through the night, or maybe to do with the 7 hours worth of "session", whoops. In any case, was in no state for school, so bailed again. However...

....today I made my dramatic reappearance. This was despite some major nightmares last night all about school, one of which involved another teacher completely taking over my life so no-one remembered who I was! Was actually very nervous, but it wasn't that bad at all, mainly because as soon as I walked into school I was mobbed by kids asking me where I'd been, and how I was, and how glad they were to have me back. And then all the staff were just as nice, checking up on me and hugs and stuff, awww, it was so sweet. Despite the craziness of my school, there are loads of really good people there, who take care of each other and stuff, it's a good thing. Anyway, my classroom was a tip cos supply teachers had let the kids run riot, and also I had SO much paperwork to sort out. Managed to teach lesson 1, that was ok, then had lesson 2 off, so I went to hand in all my sick notes to the office. Surprise surprise, it turns out I'm still signed off sick, so they sent me home! Hahaha, so lasted three hours, and then had to come back! Except my car was blocked in, so I had to take the bus, but then I didn't have enough money for the bus, or my Oyster card, so I had to walk all the way to the bank and then come back, more drama.

On the plus side, despite a pretty crazy weekend and day today too, I feel pretty ok. Had a nice chatter with Bertie too :) That said, even being in school for a bit was a shock to the system, and now I have to have some meetings to sort out what's going to happen with me in school etc. Drama. And also I have 114 progress reports to write, and because the system is cocked up, there are kids reports that are down on my list when I don't even teach them! That's gonna take ages to sort out, but the deadline was last Friday, oh dear. All this is scary, so maybe I'll have to hide a bit longer and try and catch up on my sleep deprivation (9 hours in total over the last three nights, not good for school).

In a mess

I am wondering something.

I am wondering how on earth have I got myself into this mess? And more so, why do I insist on continuing to dig that hole?

Somehow I have accepted a job from my old company in September. I don't know how this happened. Where have my principles all gone? What about going back to university? What about my soul? And more importantly, my typing fingers?

I think it is also probably a bad thing that I have given more hours to MyBnk this week than to my actual job. Some people might get cross with that, although I could argue it is important for my mind to be occupied, but not overloaded (like it would be at school).

Clearly I should not be allowed to make decisions.

In other news, I had another blood test today, that was fun. I am also being referred to yet another Giraffe person, which doesn't really fit in with my new plan to ignore all problems. Hmm.

First I think I need to work on my drama addiction. Aaaaargh, how have I got into this mess??? An unnecessarily dramatic last sentence...but clearly the first step is acknowledging the problem.

More drama

Oh b*gger. I just read my little profile ramble and it talks about "disasters in and out of the classroom". I can't remember the last time I had a disaster in the classroom, mainly because I have been out of it for so long. Well, it feels loooong.

Given the absence of education-type matters, let's switch to my other favourite topic - my crazy. Before yesterday I hadn't told my folks about it because I'd imagined it'd be similar to telling them that I had some kinda STD or some other awful, shameful thing. Anyway finally built up the bottle, and it was worth it for the relief and also their hilarious responses.

My father's went from "I've never heard of that but I'm sure you don't have it" to "you should quit your job, no-one ever asked to you help poor kids" to "how can there be anything wrong with you? We know everything about you and if there's something wrong then we can fix it. But there's nothing wrong with you". Very interesting and useful. I mean that loosely. My mother was more practical going from "we need to get another blood test" to "you should quit your job" (aaah, that old favourite) to "let me call one of my friends at the Cromwell, they can sort this out. Although you know that since the 15th of Nov the planets are not in a good place for you". Whoever said science and religion were separate forces must be wrong.

So yes, that is the latest in that little drama. Oh and of course school and various other people are getting involved too. I think I may have to hide under my duvet.

A hard day's work

I'm knackered. I've done more than seven hours of actual work on my computer today, wow. Classic FM has been keeping me entertained all the way through :) It's nice to know I can work after all.

Did a lot on the MyBnk project, am very into that. Also did some stuff on the old Log. Haven't done any lesson plans, but I am going to school tomorrow! I am determined, there's only 20 teaching days left, let's just take it day by day.

What else? Had a family party last night, stayed entirely sober, but was still somehow hysterical. My brother regularly says I have lost the plot. It's true. Spectacularly managed to put my foot in something really awful, metaphorically I mean, just let a cat out of a bag, a cat that may or may not even be really a cat since I have only heard things loosely and most likely mixed them up a bit. Anyway, fingers crossed that cat gets back in the bag and family disasters are averted.

Am missing S's actual birthday dinner tonight, after missing her party last weekend. We have a family dinner thing tonight with family from Australia (a long way to commute for dinner, but my Mum's a good cook). Need to get back on form.

Why am I still typing? I have RSI. This reminds me why I couldn't actually work in the City, my wrists and fingers hurt too much.

Wish me luck, sooooo much potential for chaos tomorrow!

Time For School

The end of half-term. How have nine days passed so quickly? It's almost a blur to me. Still, all good things come to an end...roll on Christmas, only 7 weeks to go!

After yet another night of fun, this time on a local level (nothing like being 15 mins from your bed, and also the clocks going back...wish that'd happen every weekend!) I decided to hit the gym hard. Loved it, my arms are gloriously aching. Berts, you'll be pleased to know I got yet another phone number in that place, hot stuff :) Then went to Diwali in the Square, which was beautiful. I love those times when I feel really connected with the whole Asian thing, and not on a banter level. Lots of dancing and singing and lights and food and all of that, excellent. Then tried to make it to an open mic night, but somehow got lost, and my conscience got to me, and I want to watch MOTD so legged it home. Lovely Sunday. Resolution for this half-term: live for the weekend.

What else? Well, I love Daniel because when discussing my potential as Spurs manager he said: "I think you'd be a great Spurs manager. Plenty of experience dealing with stroppy brats who don't want to do what they're told, used to being shouted at by hooligans, and trained to improve results in 'challenging' institutions". Hohoho.

I also love Bertie cos he sent me this: "bertie smarty pants? ouch meena very ouch. hope ure feeling better today good luck for tomorrow gorgeous x". When people on Saturday asked me why we weren't together I said it was because of THE RASH, but really, I think it's cos he's just too good to me. Wonder what will happen to the drama on that front....ooooooh drama Bertie!

Speaking of drama, I had decided that I would get my number one drama out of the way by just trying to sort it out so that after half-term I'd know one way or the other what was going on. I don't know why half-term is the deadline - this week means nothing to ordinary people. But then I decided that if I don't know one way or the other, then nothing is really happening, so I should just get on with seeing the other lovely boys. But then I decided I didn't want that. So I am back to square one.

What a useful ramble. It's similar to the battle I had with the Photo-Me machine today - wasteful. Which brings me to my final quote, Liz C: "I don't have the evidence for the link between psychotic behaviour and diarising every minute detail of your life to hand. I'm sure it exists. Doesn't the guy in American Pyscho do stuff like that? Not to worry, I'm sure you're fine. x"

Hohoho. Come on weekend.

Writing the personal statement

I've now spent over three hours trying to write a personal statement. It is still decidedly mediocre. And incomplete. My concentration is shot.

Some distractions I have indulged in:

• dancing to the Funky House Sessions (both discs...that's over two hours of music)
• opening and shutting the windows in my room to obtain the optimum climate (cos that's what's holding me back)
• painting my toenails
• thinking about packing for the weekend (but not actually packing)
• drinking cheeky beers with my bro (his idea, but really, it's not helped)

It wasn't good when I checked out a graduate site for tips and it said that many people write 10 or 12 drafts of their statement of purpose, and over something like 2 months. I have until 4am.

It's not a good time to have to do this. It turns out that I am not a fan of drama any more. I wish I had a crystal ball. And a time machine. Then maybe I'd be better at all this.

Expect an update in about 6 hours time i.e. when we leave for the weekend.

Update 23:47: I'm done. Got into the flow of it and it's done :) First draft obviously, but still. Packing can wait till the morning. Will ramble again on Monday, enjoy your weekend!

Lunchtime chaos

It's Saturday. I am lesson planning. Well, technically, I've not started yet, but at some point today I intend to plan some lessons. In case it's not already been mentioned, we're being inspected on Monday and Tuesday. This is causing muchos chaos in the school. Further, I know I say it all the time, but once again for luck...I hate lesson planning. Especially when I have to miss, not just one, but two weddings so that I can work today. Booooo.

On Friday there was a huge fight at lunchtime involving Y8, Y10 and Y11 boys. I don't know exactly what happened or why, but it was pretty scary stuff. I was standing in the playground outside the maths block telling off some weirdo girls from my Y10 maths group. They were pointing bananas in the face of the younger kids, who were fasting for Ramadan. That's pretty cruel and unnecessary in my book. Anyway, as I was reprimanding them, they interrupted and said "Miss, you should probably be more worried about the fight than the bananas." I turned around and saw kids streaming into the canteen. Within seconds, there was a hysteria across the playground as children started shouting and whooping and storming into the school. Literally maybe 200 ran past and rushed the school. It was out of control. It took me about 5 seconds of just standing there as kids ran past before I woke up and thought I'd better try and do something. I stood in front of one door and started yelling at the on-comers to stop what they were doing. Around this time a load of teachers appeared from the staffroom and started evacuating the canteen and blocking the other doors to stop kids going in. So kids started pouring out of the school and instead charged towards the order end of the building. Soon there were about 100 kids coming through the other way, and boys being restrained by the main entrance. The little Y7s just looked stunned and some got knocked about as the kids were ushered back outside again. Luckily the bell rang for lessons and so things settled down a bit, although my Y9 class after lunch were pretty hyped up. My throat is still sore this morning from all the shouting.

I've seen this kind of stuff a few times at school, but really, when they realise their collective power, it's scary, really scary. There are a lot more of them than us, and some students really don't care about hurting other people. For a time (a very short time but still) it was mob rule in school and we were powerless. I wonder what the inspectors would say about that?