Oh maaan, I had a complete freak-out in school today. Ok, not complete, but close. I think the only ways it could have been worse is if more kids had seen, more staff had seen, and I'd cried louder and for longer. It wasn't actual wailing as such, more just tears, but public enough, bugger.
I can't take it when people ask me what's wrong, particularly if it's not really any one thing in particular, but rather loads of things all piled altogether.
I think I just had a sh*t day, and then when the maths department started asking me about it, and more and more of them appeared, then I cracked. Usually I am pretty good at the whole keeping it together thing, so I am so f*cked off that I have let this happen.
I wouldn't really put this up here, and maybe I won't post it, but I remember one of the other teachers saying that my problem was that while other people take it out on other people, I take it out on myself. Maybe this is true. Definitely for 99% of people (including my family) I will keep the smile on my face. And for the other 1% they will get the truth sometimes, but really I don't want to bother them, or for them to feel bad, or even for them to judge me for being rubbish or weak.
My problem at the moment I suppose is partly to do with not sleeping, partly to do with not being able to exercise (i.e. run off the stress) and partly to do with me not letting myself go a bit mental or on a bender to ease it all. That's probably the worst thing I could do, since I'd only feel worse the next day. Perhaps better is writing it out like this, then it is at least a bit gone from me. And hopefully not gone from me into you.
What I don't understand is why other teachers say that days are like this, and we have some good days and some bad days and blah blah blah. That is just b*llocks, before I left uni I had mostly good days, and when I had bad days it was mostly because I'd f*cked something up in some way i.e. it was in my control. So why do people put up with this when there are so many bad days, so many tough days full of crap, when we could all be living sunnier, easier, happier lives elsewhere? Where we could at least be more in control over what is going on.
I guess my other problem is that I hate people seeing me like that, it hardly happens, only once before have I cried over school, and that day I remember vividly, because my Y8s last year had pushed me too far, and I stormed out of school and was sobbing down the phone to Bertie, and then just went back in and got on with it. So maybe they are right, maybe crying a bit makes you feel better? But I don't really feel better, I feel like I'm not good enough as a teacher, and that this is all a bit futile, and it's just too hard, I want to give up, and it's only stubborness and a refusal to fail or to let myself feel too sorry for myself that keeps me in it. Not all days are like this, but too many days for it to be ok.
Dang it I am still so cross, and I have two sets of books to mark, and I need to make a plan because otherwise I will feel like I have no control. So step 1, hold it together, step 2, look at the positives. At least only a few kids saw me (albeit the mouthy ones, who will patently tell all their friends, which will make tomorrow difficult). Ahh f*ck I still remember the teachers at my school who I saw cry, and I remember thinking they were wimps. Tomorrow's gonna be tough. I want it to be the weekend now.
And I wish I'd just walked away rather than letting them try and talk to me, cos it never helps. This is why all that therapy stuff is rubbish, it doesn't work, it only makes you feel worse. And now they will all also think that I am nuts and can't cope with this, which is maybe true, at least a bit.
Well, this is turning into quite a rant. I think I will stop now and take some deep calming breaths. Mmm air. And the current tally for 2008 : days to make me stay = 4 days to make me leave = 3. And by the way, the day wasn't all bad, it just got too much towards the end.
Oh but since I think I will post this, please don't worry, and don't ask me if I'm alright, cos it'll break down all my efforts on the "keeping it together" front. I have a meeting at the corporates tomorrow, perfect timing.
And on with the show.
I can't take it when people ask me what's wrong, particularly if it's not really any one thing in particular, but rather loads of things all piled altogether.
I think I just had a sh*t day, and then when the maths department started asking me about it, and more and more of them appeared, then I cracked. Usually I am pretty good at the whole keeping it together thing, so I am so f*cked off that I have let this happen.
I wouldn't really put this up here, and maybe I won't post it, but I remember one of the other teachers saying that my problem was that while other people take it out on other people, I take it out on myself. Maybe this is true. Definitely for 99% of people (including my family) I will keep the smile on my face. And for the other 1% they will get the truth sometimes, but really I don't want to bother them, or for them to feel bad, or even for them to judge me for being rubbish or weak.
My problem at the moment I suppose is partly to do with not sleeping, partly to do with not being able to exercise (i.e. run off the stress) and partly to do with me not letting myself go a bit mental or on a bender to ease it all. That's probably the worst thing I could do, since I'd only feel worse the next day. Perhaps better is writing it out like this, then it is at least a bit gone from me. And hopefully not gone from me into you.
What I don't understand is why other teachers say that days are like this, and we have some good days and some bad days and blah blah blah. That is just b*llocks, before I left uni I had mostly good days, and when I had bad days it was mostly because I'd f*cked something up in some way i.e. it was in my control. So why do people put up with this when there are so many bad days, so many tough days full of crap, when we could all be living sunnier, easier, happier lives elsewhere? Where we could at least be more in control over what is going on.
I guess my other problem is that I hate people seeing me like that, it hardly happens, only once before have I cried over school, and that day I remember vividly, because my Y8s last year had pushed me too far, and I stormed out of school and was sobbing down the phone to Bertie, and then just went back in and got on with it. So maybe they are right, maybe crying a bit makes you feel better? But I don't really feel better, I feel like I'm not good enough as a teacher, and that this is all a bit futile, and it's just too hard, I want to give up, and it's only stubborness and a refusal to fail or to let myself feel too sorry for myself that keeps me in it. Not all days are like this, but too many days for it to be ok.
Dang it I am still so cross, and I have two sets of books to mark, and I need to make a plan because otherwise I will feel like I have no control. So step 1, hold it together, step 2, look at the positives. At least only a few kids saw me (albeit the mouthy ones, who will patently tell all their friends, which will make tomorrow difficult). Ahh f*ck I still remember the teachers at my school who I saw cry, and I remember thinking they were wimps. Tomorrow's gonna be tough. I want it to be the weekend now.
And I wish I'd just walked away rather than letting them try and talk to me, cos it never helps. This is why all that therapy stuff is rubbish, it doesn't work, it only makes you feel worse. And now they will all also think that I am nuts and can't cope with this, which is maybe true, at least a bit.
Well, this is turning into quite a rant. I think I will stop now and take some deep calming breaths. Mmm air. And the current tally for 2008 : days to make me stay = 4 days to make me leave = 3. And by the way, the day wasn't all bad, it just got too much towards the end.
Oh but since I think I will post this, please don't worry, and don't ask me if I'm alright, cos it'll break down all my efforts on the "keeping it together" front. I have a meeting at the corporates tomorrow, perfect timing.
And on with the show.
