Today has been interesting. To say the least.
Firstly, Berts, lovely to chatter with you last night, deep & meaningfuls are all the more so with you.
Secondly, this ramble is going to be decidedly frank and bold, so beware. Take it with a swift measure of something stronger than Fruit Shoot.
Good things:
This won't really be in list form, and is also where it goes a bit serious, so stop reading now if you want light-hearted banter and not really any substance. So I got sent home/decided to take the option of going home early today because I was in a bit of a state. Really, I suppose I've been in a bit of state (with regards to this current state) for about 2 weeks. Up and down pretty much, which is tiring and odd. I remember when I was coming back from Canada I was pretty miserable and that first weekend back was outright despair. The less said about that the better (unless it's with some kinda trained professional I think). But then pretty soon after that I started getting high, I could feel it all last week, and then the weekend was just stellar, I can't remember it really, just that I know I must have been ticking some of the manic boxes. Even reading back on my posts I can see it. Perhaps that is partly why I am writing this one, for posterity's sake. Not that I'm planning my kids any time soon, or even whether I'd want them to read this. But that's an aside.
The last two days have been quite turbulent I think. I am feeling rational and kinda ok and normal now, but yesterday I was pretty reckless and then today I was back to despairing. I taught one lesson, feeling all fragile on the inside after waking up kind of numb. I guess I was acting oddly anyway, so when I said that I felt unpredictable, the alarm bells started ringing and an early finish was offered. I'm glad I took it, despite running out of time off, as I wouldn't have got through the day, I can feel it know thinking back, and it makes me shudder I was so off-key.
Unpredictable is how I would describe how I feel and all of this. I was quite upset and so I went to bed when I got home (10:30am, shocker!) and then when I woke up I felt empty again, but this time it was nice because it's a relief to feel nothing rather than have to feel everything all at once. The turmoil and the intensity and the pressure of the feelings is what gets to me, in that everything is all about NOW and it's difficult to get perspective, it's all impulsive and spontaneous and extremes. I don't like the extremes too much, and while I feel I am coping (badly, but still) at the moment, I am terrified of the time when I may not cope, or may not be as rational, and then lose the plot in an even bigger way.
That's why I called up the psychology people again and ask to be re-referred. I think it's time I properly attempted to sort this out since it's not going away and if anything it's getting worse, it's messing things up and I can't seem to control it, it just controls me. It will be tough to go through it all, and inconvenient, and arduous etc. but while I am holding on to being rational, I can see there is so much potential in me for destruction at both ends of the scale that it would be wrong and selfish not to try and fix it a bit.
In the meantime I am just going to try and take it a bit at a time, and not let myself get so high or so low, and keep reminding myself that once upon a time I did feel "normal" and that these times will come by again. It's just really hard to keep a grip when it starts to take over - life is just something that happens around it it seems, like I am just the vehicle for my "insanity". I wish I could keep my perspective and stay objective about it. In fact, when you read this now you probably think this can't really be happening since it seems pretty factual and disengaged, but it IS happening, and this is me trying to keep a lid on it.
Anyway, two more days of school, and we will just see how it goes. I have decided that if I fail my NQT year because of too much time off, then so be it. I can't push myself through it when I'm rollercoastering inside, so I should just let that pressure go, and concentrate on the little things.
Ending on a good note, the one lesson I did teach today was really good, top set Y7s on co-ordinates, so clearly I can put on the smile and do the business if I am forced too (although doing that all day wouldn't have been possible). Let's hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. And failing that, that I can feel a bit in control of the rest of it, and make it back to bed at night.
Firstly, Berts, lovely to chatter with you last night, deep & meaningfuls are all the more so with you.
Secondly, this ramble is going to be decidedly frank and bold, so beware. Take it with a swift measure of something stronger than Fruit Shoot.
Good things:
- I got my offer from Wolfson today, which is exciting. I think going back to uni will be good fun, so it's a relief to know my plans are starting to be sorted (albeit loosely)
- I had my second round interview at TF and that went ok I think. I was a bit hyper, but hopefully that will be interpreted as enthusiasm. We'll see how that goes, but fingers crossed.
- I spilt beetroot juice all over my top, usually a bad thing, but it was so funny to see the big purple splodge that I have decided it is a good thing.
This won't really be in list form, and is also where it goes a bit serious, so stop reading now if you want light-hearted banter and not really any substance. So I got sent home/decided to take the option of going home early today because I was in a bit of a state. Really, I suppose I've been in a bit of state (with regards to this current state) for about 2 weeks. Up and down pretty much, which is tiring and odd. I remember when I was coming back from Canada I was pretty miserable and that first weekend back was outright despair. The less said about that the better (unless it's with some kinda trained professional I think). But then pretty soon after that I started getting high, I could feel it all last week, and then the weekend was just stellar, I can't remember it really, just that I know I must have been ticking some of the manic boxes. Even reading back on my posts I can see it. Perhaps that is partly why I am writing this one, for posterity's sake. Not that I'm planning my kids any time soon, or even whether I'd want them to read this. But that's an aside.
The last two days have been quite turbulent I think. I am feeling rational and kinda ok and normal now, but yesterday I was pretty reckless and then today I was back to despairing. I taught one lesson, feeling all fragile on the inside after waking up kind of numb. I guess I was acting oddly anyway, so when I said that I felt unpredictable, the alarm bells started ringing and an early finish was offered. I'm glad I took it, despite running out of time off, as I wouldn't have got through the day, I can feel it know thinking back, and it makes me shudder I was so off-key.
Unpredictable is how I would describe how I feel and all of this. I was quite upset and so I went to bed when I got home (10:30am, shocker!) and then when I woke up I felt empty again, but this time it was nice because it's a relief to feel nothing rather than have to feel everything all at once. The turmoil and the intensity and the pressure of the feelings is what gets to me, in that everything is all about NOW and it's difficult to get perspective, it's all impulsive and spontaneous and extremes. I don't like the extremes too much, and while I feel I am coping (badly, but still) at the moment, I am terrified of the time when I may not cope, or may not be as rational, and then lose the plot in an even bigger way.
That's why I called up the psychology people again and ask to be re-referred. I think it's time I properly attempted to sort this out since it's not going away and if anything it's getting worse, it's messing things up and I can't seem to control it, it just controls me. It will be tough to go through it all, and inconvenient, and arduous etc. but while I am holding on to being rational, I can see there is so much potential in me for destruction at both ends of the scale that it would be wrong and selfish not to try and fix it a bit.
In the meantime I am just going to try and take it a bit at a time, and not let myself get so high or so low, and keep reminding myself that once upon a time I did feel "normal" and that these times will come by again. It's just really hard to keep a grip when it starts to take over - life is just something that happens around it it seems, like I am just the vehicle for my "insanity". I wish I could keep my perspective and stay objective about it. In fact, when you read this now you probably think this can't really be happening since it seems pretty factual and disengaged, but it IS happening, and this is me trying to keep a lid on it.
Anyway, two more days of school, and we will just see how it goes. I have decided that if I fail my NQT year because of too much time off, then so be it. I can't push myself through it when I'm rollercoastering inside, so I should just let that pressure go, and concentrate on the little things.
Ending on a good note, the one lesson I did teach today was really good, top set Y7s on co-ordinates, so clearly I can put on the smile and do the business if I am forced too (although doing that all day wouldn't have been possible). Let's hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. And failing that, that I can feel a bit in control of the rest of it, and make it back to bed at night.
