Back and Happy and Grizzly Too

I am back from Dubai and still a bit dazed from it all. Had a fantastic and awesome time, it went so quickly but was great, I wish I was still on holiday.

Have lots of work to do but am ignoring it all. We're being HMI-ed (inspected) when we get back after half-term (STRESS!) so all the books have to be marked up to date and we need to make proper loooong detailed lesson plans for the inspection days. Lame. Can't be bothered, think I will have a panic on Sunday night instead. That will be the official end of half-term for me, and hopefully after Spurs beat Chelski in the Carling Cup Final on Sunday, well, I will be a bit drunk, so the lesson planning will be fun!

I had a knee appointment today and it was sad because my ACL graft is ruptured so I need to have ANOTHER knee reconstruction, which is obviously crap news. I dealt with it better this time, I am not as devastated, mainly because I expected it to be coming, and also because I am less into contact sports and stuff now, I can deal with a busted up knee better than I could when I was at Oxford, when everything I did required a super duper knee. Still, it's not great news, and buying lots of random stuff afterwards was perhaps not the best idea (although I DO now own a lovely pair of brown leather boots and also lots and lots of socks and blusher, excellent).

A busy weekend planned and next week too is super busy, I don't think I have a complete day of unplanned stuff until the following Sunday, BUSY! And Puja, the capitals are for you :)

Finally, just so you know, an emirate designates a political territory that is ruled by a dynastic Arab Monarch styled emir (thanks for that Wikipedia!). The seven dwarves are Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Doc. And it's totally worth watching Severance, a silly British comedy horror film, gorey and goofy at the same time.

That's all for now.

A day to undo

Oh maaan, I had a complete freak-out in school today. Ok, not complete, but close. I think the only ways it could have been worse is if more kids had seen, more staff had seen, and I'd cried louder and for longer. It wasn't actual wailing as such, more just tears, but public enough, bugger.

I can't take it when people ask me what's wrong, particularly if it's not really any one thing in particular, but rather loads of things all piled altogether.

I think I just had a sh*t day, and then when the maths department started asking me about it, and more and more of them appeared, then I cracked. Usually I am pretty good at the whole keeping it together thing, so I am so f*cked off that I have let this happen.

I wouldn't really put this up here, and maybe I won't post it, but I remember one of the other teachers saying that my problem was that while other people take it out on other people, I take it out on myself. Maybe this is true. Definitely for 99% of people (including my family) I will keep the smile on my face. And for the other 1% they will get the truth sometimes, but really I don't want to bother them, or for them to feel bad, or even for them to judge me for being rubbish or weak.

My problem at the moment I suppose is partly to do with not sleeping, partly to do with not being able to exercise (i.e. run off the stress) and partly to do with me not letting myself go a bit mental or on a bender to ease it all. That's probably the worst thing I could do, since I'd only feel worse the next day. Perhaps better is writing it out like this, then it is at least a bit gone from me. And hopefully not gone from me into you.

What I don't understand is why other teachers say that days are like this, and we have some good days and some bad days and blah blah blah. That is just b*llocks, before I left uni I had mostly good days, and when I had bad days it was mostly because I'd f*cked something up in some way i.e. it was in my control. So why do people put up with this when there are so many bad days, so many tough days full of crap, when we could all be living sunnier, easier, happier lives elsewhere? Where we could at least be more in control over what is going on.

I guess my other problem is that I hate people seeing me like that, it hardly happens, only once before have I cried over school, and that day I remember vividly, because my Y8s last year had pushed me too far, and I stormed out of school and was sobbing down the phone to Bertie, and then just went back in and got on with it. So maybe they are right, maybe crying a bit makes you feel better? But I don't really feel better, I feel like I'm not good enough as a teacher, and that this is all a bit futile, and it's just too hard, I want to give up, and it's only stubborness and a refusal to fail or to let myself feel too sorry for myself that keeps me in it. Not all days are like this, but too many days for it to be ok.

Dang it I am still so cross, and I have two sets of books to mark, and I need to make a plan because otherwise I will feel like I have no control. So step 1, hold it together, step 2, look at the positives. At least only a few kids saw me (albeit the mouthy ones, who will patently tell all their friends, which will make tomorrow difficult). Ahh f*ck I still remember the teachers at my school who I saw cry, and I remember thinking they were wimps. Tomorrow's gonna be tough. I want it to be the weekend now.

And I wish I'd just walked away rather than letting them try and talk to me, cos it never helps. This is why all that therapy stuff is rubbish, it doesn't work, it only makes you feel worse. And now they will all also think that I am nuts and can't cope with this, which is maybe true, at least a bit.

Well, this is turning into quite a rant. I think I will stop now and take some deep calming breaths. Mmm air. And the current tally for 2008 : days to make me stay = 4 days to make me leave = 3. And by the way, the day wasn't all bad, it just got too much towards the end.

Oh but since I think I will post this, please don't worry, and don't ask me if I'm alright, cos it'll break down all my efforts on the "keeping it together" front. I have a meeting at the corporates tomorrow, perfect timing.

And on with the show.

A cross day

I am eating drumsticks. The lollipops, not the chicken, or vegetable, or anything else.

This is because I am cross. And this is because I am tired. The long day is no good for me.

Things that have made me cross:

• Getting to a knee appointment in 25 minutes, but then having to drive for an hour to get back
• My Y10s - why can't they just get on with the work? Why can't they sit in groups? Why are they so bad and rude? Why did I lose the plot with them and tell them I wouldn't teach them ever again? (talk about empty threat, I have to teach them tomorrow)
• Staff meetings - they are full of "vision" and "budgets" and ideas for the future. Surely our priority should be to sort out all the problems we have right now?
• Lunch duty. This was admittedly better than the crazy 20 minute break-time dining hall duty that I have to do tomorrow, but I was only meant to be on for 30 minutes and ended up doing almost 50 minutes, giving me 11 minutes of lunch break, boo.

Generally having too much to do makes me stressed, and I have too much to do. Or rather too much in my head that I have to do, which means that then I will slip up. Control freak deep down. Plus standards really high. Worst thing is bringing the crossness home, that's not fair. Will try not to do that.

Knee is still crunching, hence no gym. Sweets are a poor substitute.

Ok, I am going to bed to wake up nice and uncross. Just writing this makes me feel better.

Did a good deed too - returned a security pass! And my tutor group were ace in tutor time this afternoon, making their profiles and stuff. And I finished Love in the Time and it has a happy ending. And we got free food at the meeting. There, some positives :)

Before I go, check out this article about a crazy school in Boston that uses electric shocks to control behaviour. Sounds nuts, but maybe...

Robins

I was walking in the park today and I saw my first robin. Winter is here.

Some good things: I've been signed off for the rest of the week with "stress related difficulties" so no need to stress about that any more; my thyroxin levels are normal so I don't have a problem there; I finished The Amber Spyglass and it was just awesome. No better words to describe it, but I loved it, and can't wait for the films.

Things to contemplate: if it's not a thyroxin problem, then what is it?

School are being really good to me, telling me to take it easy and get better. This is the hardest part, I don't know how to get better. It's not like a broken leg or something. No, actually, it is, because it feels like I just have to wait it out. I feel a bit better really, so am going to be optimistic, despite feeling a bit like a fraud. Going back to school next week will be tough, people are look for the obvious and if they can't see anything wrong with me, they will think I'm messing about. I don't want their sympathy, but I'm not messing around. Will just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. And think of robins.

A Draining Day

Today a minor victory and many losses.

Minor victory: a Y9 boy in my classroom was shouting at someone through the door. I told him he would have 5 mins detention at lunchtime. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him it was now 10 mins. Shrugged again. 15 mins. Shrugged again. I lost my temper and told him to get his diary out, he was going to have an hour of detention tomorrow after school. He said he didn't care, he wouldn't come anyway. Kick the boy out the room. Catch up with him at the end of the lesson, take him to the phone, call his mother and tell her what happened, pass the phone over to the boy. Mum absolutely shreds him, I can hear her wailing him out through the phone, he looks visibly shaken. Take the phone back, she apologises for him and continues to berate him in her strong Jamaican twang. I thank her for her support and finish the call. He apologises and accepts his 60 mins.

Many losses: too many to mention really. Biggest one was when I decided to be "normal" with my Y10s i.e. let my personality out. Started well, but the kids just started playing up. In the end I got fed up and told them all to pack up and just leave. They tear around the maths department disrupting everyone. Error. That is very bad teaching. Equally bad was the Year 8 detention today - all the Year 8 trouble makers in one room. Nightmare. I essentially give up on trying to discipline them and just leave them to kill the time.

Big problem. I can see myself not caring any more, becoming indifferent to it all. It's too much right now, and rather than upping my game, I just want a break. The less energy and effort and care I put in, the harder it will be. But I can't seem to persuade myself to sort it out.

Forget all this mental health stuff, clearly my problem is my job and what it is doing to me. I hate being rubbish at things, but I will have to accept that I am not good enough at this.

First day and I need a break!

I feel bad for anyone that has to see me straight after a tough day at school. Today's innocent victim was Jadey Bladey - thank you for putting up with my incoherent rambling.

School is always extremes with me - bits I love and bits I hate. Firstly, two things I loved from the day. In Year 7 PSHE the students had to write a little note to two adults and two kids who had made them feel good about stuff since September, and I got a note from little Daniel, who I chose to help me at Open Evening, and who apparently thoroughly appreciated the opportunity. This was sweet. Then my Y12 sociology lesson today was just great, the kids were really into it, it was banterful but we got a lot of work done too, nice.

Two things I hated from today. My Y10s were just uncooperative today, persistently talking and off task and rude and time wasting, was really frustrating. Worse than that, my tutor group. They are driving me up the wall, it's like whatever I do with them, they still walk all over me. I get really cross and worry I will eventually resort to kiddie tactics e.g. giving them the cold shoulder, shouting back at them. They would love that.

I wonder if there is any job where one regularly has to put up with pretty harsh emotional trauma from people one is supposedly there to help? After a bad tutor session with them I feel like jacking it all in, well, at least the tutoring side of things. It also makes me realise I could never be like someone in Spooks - if I can't deal with pressure from 13 year olds, how can I deal with international master criminals? I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am doing wrong, but am yet to come up with a solution. It doesn't help that my FB horoscope says "It's ok to take the easy way out this time. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be. The simplest solution is often the right one". So give up the tutor group?

Thought I'd end with this story I got emailed today, it's pretty deep...

There was once a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the back of the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learnt to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the little boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails had gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said "You have done well, my son, but look at all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry' , the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one." Friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

5th Week Blues

This is going to be a rant about school. Grrr it makes me so cross sometimes. I was going to try and be positive, but I have decided that it would be entirely unfeasible, and fictional even, to try and balance out each sore point with three good things (like we're supposed to balance discipline with praise i.e. 3 positive praises to every 1 telling off), so I will just rant.

I should have known it would be a tough day since I was nocturnal last night and thus bound to be a little wired. Further, my throat is so sore. In fact, it's been like this for ages...so much so that I can't even remember what my voice was like, only that I used to be able to sing much higher and clearer than I can now. Grumble. Anyway, hit the gym, this was good, I liked that, specially since I broke a time.

Arrived at school and my subject mentor informs me that I was in her dream last night. Apparently we were at a building site (maybe the school building site?) and she was watching me reverse my car into one of those JCB digger things. I crashed right into it and then got out and said "oh no I've done it again," while she looked on. I have decided to interpret it as her feeling she is unable to help me stop making the same avoidable mistakes.

Only taught 3 lessons today, and actually they weren't that bad. Was really impressed with my Y8s, where we did geometric constructions (finding perpendicular bisectors and angle bisectors using compasses and rulers) which is a level 6 topic, but they all go it. Y10s managed to work for 45 minutes, although then they started being idiots. Y7s were also great, lots of good work on function machines. Hmmm, so, having reflected on my teaching, I'm not that rubbish at it. I mean, the lessons went well and the kids learnt.

Oh yeah, I remember what made me cross. My sodding tutor group. They are just evil. It was assembly this afternoon, which is basically this huge stress. The kids just cannot cannot behave or be quiet or be orderly, and so I end up looking like a muppet cos my class is out of control. They are driving me up the wall - so so many incident reports, and they just won't listen to me. It's frustrating, I feel full of frustration, and it's exhausting. One of the girls called a boy a "fat c*nt" in assembly; another one is forging her reports; crazy H hit a girl in the corridor; Tall and Moody stormed in and out of the classroom slamming his bag hard against the desk. I'm lost. It's pretty stressful, although I saw two teachers really in tears today, so clearly the tough times are across the board. I was trying to think who I could go to to help me with them, but the new Head of Year doesn't have time, and there's no Head of KS3. My classroom and behaviour control is usually good, I don't know where I'm going wrong. Maybe a new seating plan would fix it...?

I tried calling some of the kids parents. It turns out that Tall and Moody is living in two different houses at the moment, and that school is the only stable thing in his life, so if he occasionally tantrums and storms and swears, well, it's surprising he's holding it together. Ended up counselling his mother a bit, so a bit of a dead-end there. "Blonde Attitude" is like a mini-version of her mother, who appeared to put the phone down on me, so again, no help. Gave up after these two, although I'd made two positive phone calls before the negative ones, so that was ok.

Oh some good news. My mother had the jewelery I bought for her on the weekend checked through and valued, and it's all good, and valued at a third more than I paid :) And we have a nice tasty bottle of red open. Not that drinking through is the answer.

I think it's just a case of 5th week blues. Roll on half-term.

More tough stuff

One of my Y10 students threw a ruler at me today. In my classroom. During my lesson. Whilst my back was turned. Little monster.

We are being inspected on Monday and Tuesday. Hours and hours of paperwork etc. need to be sorted before then.

I have a glorious headache. The kind that increases when you bend to pick something up.

I'm going swimming.

T minus one

Tomorrow is final assessment day, exciting stuff!

For once I have actually planned the lesson more than 24 hours in advance. Good stuff. Wow, I remember back in the day when I used to be able to plan almost a whole week on a Sunday. Hahaha, nowadays I am still planning as the lesson is going on.

In other news, I can now hobble pretty well sans crutches, but have real problems with stairs and also sitting down/standing up for longer than about 5 minutes. The stairs thing is particularly funny in that I have regressed to an ascending and descending technique very similar to that of a toddler. I look forward to having to address lots of "equal opportunities issues" with the kids tomorrow when they take the mick out of my limp.

My portfolio is done, yay! But I am out of ibuprofen, which means the big guns aka codeine will have to come out tomorrow. Those of you who know about painkillers and I...well, you can join me in the chorus...altogether now, "oh dearie me...."

Some thoughts on Y10

I think I am finally taking that long awaited "stress-day". Much vaunted over the last two terms, it is now time. Excellent. Oh it's a slipppery slope though, now that I'll do it once, it means that I can do it again. Kinda like Pringles, dangerous. I am still annoyed at myself that I need to do this, but I think it's the best plan.

In other news, have sorted out my second school placement at Mulberry School for Girls in Stratford. It's an all girls state school with a HUGE ethnic minority percentage and a VIth form too - should be educational.

And finally, it's been about 5 lessons since I've been with top set Y10, and I'm still not impressed. Given that when we were in Y10 we were actually sitting our GCSEs, I am a bit concerned at this lot.

There are one or two in that class that seem to be real stars at maths, but they're nothing like the Y9. In fact, there are a good few "strange ones" in that class, and the general behaviour, motivation, attitude etc. is all a little bit sub-standard. Our HoD has been working really hard with that group, but I've noticed really that Y10 as a whole year group are actually quite a lot of trouble - there are a lot of kids in that year that don't seem to have learning as a priority. And that's besides all the messed up families, SEN issues, and usual teenage turmoil.

Perhaps the Mayfield data handling coursework project isn't really showing them off in their best light as yet, but still...let's just say I'm glad they're not really my class. Oooh but one funny thing in that lesson - one of the boys hands me back a pair of scissors and says something like "sorry Miss, I can't use them, too stiff". Then he and the boys around him watch me to see if I will react to the innuendo. All I can come up with is "perhaps they're brand new scissors" before walking away. I hear their disappointment that I've not taken the bait and laugh inside.

Drama-Central

This is where I've been living the past week. Now, apologies for not posting sooner, and also apologies for this post since it won't contain much detail. Essentially I have had a very stressful week. Key events include:

1. TF Coach matching event and associated hangover on Tuesday night
2. Having all the things nicked outta the boot of my car and glove compartment sometime on Tuesday night/Weds morning (including my teaching stuff, my wallet, house keys, school keys, expensive sunglasses, USB stick with personal files on it, and all my PE stuff - special gym trainers are gone, boo hoo)
3. Being very cross with the colleague I left my car with, who I suspect either forgot to lock the car (how could someone do that in Walthamstow?!) or nicked the things herself. Negative thoughts, I know, but I am still cross.
4. Spending hours in 3 different police stations over two days.
5. Having a semi-black eye and looking old and haggard and rough.
6. Walking outta school on Weds and then being royally bollocked by my folks. Deservedly.
7. Having OFSTED in on Thursday, having lost my lesson plans for the day, made new lesson plans, finding that the server has crashed so all plans for ICT lessons were defunct, making a third set of lesson plans, and otherwise having a very intensive day.
8. HSBC maths day today, again running activities, which was a bit stressful, but really today has been the best day all week.
9. No petrol in car and no money to buy petrol so adding hours to my journey time whereever I've been going. Not that I've been going anywhere exciting since I have no keys to get back into our house.
10. Minimum sleep and food and general smileyness over the past few days.

Actually, that is more detail than I intended, but clearly you can't wait to hear the full story. Have to pack for my flight to Toronto tomorrow, but will update as soon as poss. Woo half-term, the light at the end of the tunnel!

More ranting

I have my SLT observation tomorrow morning and a twilight to catch up on the Leadership Discovery Day that I missed tomorrow afternoon. I have Year 7 maths papers to mark and a Year 8 group to entertain in a computer suite. I'm not sure how the day could be any better.

Oh wait, something funny. There were two completely different papers to be answered in the Year 7 end of year test. The papers were sat on two consecutive days in formal exam settings. And yet, one of my kids somehow managed to do the same paper twice. How did she not notice she was doing exactly the same test all over again? At least she got a better mark the second time round.

I'm also glad I'm not Adam from the Apprentice. Shame he was fired tonight, I kinda wanted him to win, just cos he wound everyone up so much.

Nothing else useful to say except that if one more kid calls me "Miss Paramashawasha" I will be forced to plead temporary insanity when my subsequent actions are questioned.

Ooooh just read this little nugget....hahaha if it's good enough for Tony Blair's son eh?

Some good things in a list

Another tough day at school. I think if they offered me the option to quit now, and there would be no negative consequences, then I'd do it. In fact, late this afternoon I found myself fantasising about deliberately sabotaging my work towards my QTS so that I wouldn't achieve QTS and thus would be automatically freed from my contract. This is worrying.

I heard today that my mother's receptionist sold her four-bedroom flat in Earl's Court for £1.2 million. Wow. To think I gave up such a lucrative career as a medical PA. Hahaha.

I have four mouth ulcers at the moment, not very nice. I have thus decided I must either be suffering from chronic stress or even burnout - oh dear. Still, there are some highlights in my life:

1. My football girls - both teams lost their matches and there was lots of drama, but good spirits there. Particularly funny was the fact that we play next to a gigantic rubbish dump, thus making the Leyton football tournament seem similar to an impromptu street tournament in some Brazilian favela/Kenyan slum. The rubbish and dust even blows across the pitch into our eyes and mouths. Nice.

2. My dance class - actually, this really was fun, completely took my mind off things. We learnt to do this funny twirly thing, and I kept getting caught up in my own feet, but had lots of fun doing it.

3. This link sent to me from Potter - how lovely! I do love a good hug, but I think hugging kids is a bit of a no-no.

4. The email below sent to me from my Dad. So I guess they want me to get married soon, but only to a nice man:


WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> HE : Can I buy you a drink?
> >>> SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
> >>>
> >>> HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
> >>> SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
> >>> SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
> >>>
> >>> HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
> >>> SHE : I must've been given your share.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
> >>> SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
> >>> SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
> >>> SHE : Okay, get out.
> >>>
> >>> HE : I think I could make you very happy.
> >>> SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
> >>>
> >>> HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
> >>> SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Can I have your name?
> >>> SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
> >>>
> >>> HE : Shall we go see a movie?
> >>> SHE : I've already seen it.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Where have you been all my life?
> >>> SHE : Hiding from you.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
> >>> SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Is this seat empty?
> >>> SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
> >>>
> >>> HE : So, what do you do for a living?
> >>> SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
> >>> SHE : Do not enter.
> >>>
> >>> HE : Your body is like a temple.
> >>> SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
> >>>
> >>> HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
> >>> SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Keep smiling!

Two Good Days

Yes, I have had two good days in school. Surprising stuff.

Sure, there have been fights and staff politics and detentions and ICT problems and lost exercise books and kids bunking lessons and running around like a mad thing and constant attitude, but on the whole they've been good. Maybe I am just learning to cope better....?

Hmmm, no, scrap that. Coping is not entirely featuring prominently in my life at the moment. Well, I'm not not coping, but I feel kinda weird. Like I'm not really me. I've had this before but still don't really know what it is. Strange. Maybe I am a medical curiousity? Or maybe it's just the flu.

I have had a spectacularly little amount of sleep due to the continuing specialness that is insomnia, and I think this has led me to take everything in my stride. Possibly because I can't be bothered to let anything get to me. Kids quacking in my lessons, bitching about each other, shouting and swearing across the corridor, talking about illegal substances etc. - all have been subtly ignored. As one of the PE staff said to me today, I am a machine.

But even machines occassionally malfunction. I think it may be time to take that first ever sick day!

Before you start thinking I'm being a nutter, don't worry, I'm pretty much fine, just a lot in my head. Clearly more in my head than Nelly Furtado....check out these lyrics from "Say It Right":

In the day

In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don't
You either stand or you fall

Ruuuubbbbbbish. How am I not earning more than her?! That said, "Give It To Me" (Timbalanda feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake) is wicked, diss chat and great beats.

And also, thank you Jade for putting up with my ridiculous questionning about musical theory...it's starting to make sense!

I'll leave you with this from a comment from another blog: "If you don't know who you are, a classroom, like a boxing ring, is a painful place to find out." Deep.

Day 101

Yep, that's correct, today was my 101st contact teaching day at the Academy. We're contracted to 195 contact days a year (aka teaching days; as opposed to training days) so yippee, we're over halfway. Although when you think that I've got 94 more days to go, well....no, mustn't wish my life away!

I was spreading this prime piece of knowledge around the staff today and M8 (I have decided to refer to the other maths teachers by their classroom codes) said it was strange that I count down days. I said it was something that I always did, and that this was a massive improvement since in my last job I used to count down hours, and, in extreme cases, minutes. She said that it was better to just take each day at school as just a day, rather than something to get through on the great quest to the summer break. I guess I kinda agree with her, but what is better and what is actually possible are different things.

This led us to an interesting discussion about teaching and how there was no point really counting down towards the break because teaching is always with us. I'm pretty good at "zoning out" my teaching world, although only when I am really concentrating on something else, or when I have no pressing reason to think about it e.g during the holidays. Other teachers, however, find that their lives are more or less consumed by teaching.

I guess If I'm honest, during the term I am pretty much consumed by school-life. Anyone who knows me pretty well will find I can, and will, ramble on about the wackiness of school for ages. I've only been back at school one day and already I am knackered and thinking about the millions of things I have to do with regards to school. Some of these millions of things are small, but still count as items on a seemingly never-ending to-do list. Aaaaargh, stressful....I hate having things to do!

Alongside all that one has to actually do as a teacher (physically and intellectually tiring things), M5 and M6 pointed out that teaching is emotionally exhausting too. There are very few other jobs where one goes in every day with a brave face ready to be confronted and challenged for 7 hours solid. Some of the behaviour really is challenging and wears you down. The problem is that you can't vent your feelings at school and so you end up storing it up and taking it out on someone or something else. Luckily for me I usually get rid of my stress at the gym, but they said that often they end up snapping at other people or are just too tired and stressed after school to want to do anything else (hence teaching taking over your life). M6 made the excellent point that teaching is completely manageable if everything else in your life is totally sorted and trouble free; a rare occurrence for most people.

In other news, I have a mouth ulcer and potential insomnia - my mind tends to wander when I'm in bed trying to sleep. That's kinda why I'm posting now, in the hope that writing down the words will stop my mind thinking them..although this could back-fire spectacularly since now the thoughts are fresh in my mind. I don't think the block of cheese I snacked on will help either...

PS Check out SB's blog for a really interesting debate on university tuition fees...
PPS JD the strategist eh? And there was me thinking you'd be something in security. I'm still looking for a Turk to match my Carla...