Today was quite a stressful day. Luckily I am calm again now, and also the stress was pretty well managed I would say. Kinda anyway.
The general poor management of my school is really annoying and puts loads of stress and pressure on the staff. Things keep changing all the time and the systems don't work and so we, the people on the ground, have to deal with loads of rubbish every day. It gets really tedious and starts to grind you down. On a daily basis we get a lot of abuse from the kids on the one side, and on the other side the teaching itself becomes difficult because of poor management from above. An example of this is how the internal exams this week in maths were simply postponed till after half-term, except we weren't told until Monday (in fact, I only found out accidentally from a colleague when I went to ask her where the exam papers were) and so now I am teaching loads of lessons that haven't been planned. Even more annoying though, tomorrow we have interviews for maths posts in school, and part of the interview process is watching a teacher teach and giving them feedback. However, due to all kinds of inconvenient issues, I have to be observed, which is ok, except I have to be observed teaching a lesson I don't teach on a normal Wednesday just to fit into the the observation schedule. How stupid and unnecessarily stressful is that?
My Y10s made me really mad today. I have lost the battle with that class I think. They have no respect for me and we don't do any work any more, I just spend all my time trying to get them to behave. Again this is tedious and stressful, I dread my four hours a week with them. It's almost similar to being bullied I'd imagine, having to face a group of people who just cause you hassle for no apparent reason. Anyway, today lots of them were rude and defiant. One of them was trying to get other students to poke me so that I would lose my temper. Another one just outright ignored me when I told her to spit out her gum, then shouted in my face, and then refused to leave the room until her head of year came to drag her out. It's got so that even the good kids have become bad because that's the general negative horrible atmosphere in the classroom. I don't know, when I was filling in all the pointless incident reports after the lesson, at the bottom there is a section where you tick the sanction you have given the pupil, and you can choose reprimand or detention or extra work or accepted apology etc. and there is one called other and I wanted to tick that and then describe the sanction as simply giving up on that student. Hmmm.
The thing that worried me the most today is that for a minute or two in that classroom I was close to really losing my temper. Some of you know that I have a shocking temper when it is unleashed, of which I am thoroughly ashamed and regretful. I have been known to completely lose the plot, to the point of blind white rage entirely masking my actions, and it's not until afterwards that I come to again and realise the devastation I have caused. Once I think I could even have been expelled from school for one incident, which to this day I still can't explain where it really came from, I just switched and hit another student, I couldn't control myself. I'm so angry with myself for even letting someone get to me like that. It shouldn't have happened.
Anyway, obviously I am much older and wiser and better in control of myself now, but today scared me because I could see that I could lose it, I mean really lose it if I was pushed too far. I spoke to my mentor, which I now think may have been an error, but she told me if I ever felt like I may snap then I should just leave the classroom. Hopefully this would never have to happen, I'd hate myself so much if I ever let these stupid kids enrage me to that point. Anyway, after half-term for the first week another teacher is taking that class, then there's two weeks of work experience, and then we will see how it goes. From today though, I feel like simply refusing to teach them, we are done, they don't want me, I don't want them, so let's just move on.
I have no imminent work, but looooooads of upcoming work. I could do it to be organised and take it off my head. But I can't be bothered. Idleness beckons. I think I deserve the chill time.
The general poor management of my school is really annoying and puts loads of stress and pressure on the staff. Things keep changing all the time and the systems don't work and so we, the people on the ground, have to deal with loads of rubbish every day. It gets really tedious and starts to grind you down. On a daily basis we get a lot of abuse from the kids on the one side, and on the other side the teaching itself becomes difficult because of poor management from above. An example of this is how the internal exams this week in maths were simply postponed till after half-term, except we weren't told until Monday (in fact, I only found out accidentally from a colleague when I went to ask her where the exam papers were) and so now I am teaching loads of lessons that haven't been planned. Even more annoying though, tomorrow we have interviews for maths posts in school, and part of the interview process is watching a teacher teach and giving them feedback. However, due to all kinds of inconvenient issues, I have to be observed, which is ok, except I have to be observed teaching a lesson I don't teach on a normal Wednesday just to fit into the the observation schedule. How stupid and unnecessarily stressful is that?
My Y10s made me really mad today. I have lost the battle with that class I think. They have no respect for me and we don't do any work any more, I just spend all my time trying to get them to behave. Again this is tedious and stressful, I dread my four hours a week with them. It's almost similar to being bullied I'd imagine, having to face a group of people who just cause you hassle for no apparent reason. Anyway, today lots of them were rude and defiant. One of them was trying to get other students to poke me so that I would lose my temper. Another one just outright ignored me when I told her to spit out her gum, then shouted in my face, and then refused to leave the room until her head of year came to drag her out. It's got so that even the good kids have become bad because that's the general negative horrible atmosphere in the classroom. I don't know, when I was filling in all the pointless incident reports after the lesson, at the bottom there is a section where you tick the sanction you have given the pupil, and you can choose reprimand or detention or extra work or accepted apology etc. and there is one called other and I wanted to tick that and then describe the sanction as simply giving up on that student. Hmmm.
The thing that worried me the most today is that for a minute or two in that classroom I was close to really losing my temper. Some of you know that I have a shocking temper when it is unleashed, of which I am thoroughly ashamed and regretful. I have been known to completely lose the plot, to the point of blind white rage entirely masking my actions, and it's not until afterwards that I come to again and realise the devastation I have caused. Once I think I could even have been expelled from school for one incident, which to this day I still can't explain where it really came from, I just switched and hit another student, I couldn't control myself. I'm so angry with myself for even letting someone get to me like that. It shouldn't have happened.
Anyway, obviously I am much older and wiser and better in control of myself now, but today scared me because I could see that I could lose it, I mean really lose it if I was pushed too far. I spoke to my mentor, which I now think may have been an error, but she told me if I ever felt like I may snap then I should just leave the classroom. Hopefully this would never have to happen, I'd hate myself so much if I ever let these stupid kids enrage me to that point. Anyway, after half-term for the first week another teacher is taking that class, then there's two weeks of work experience, and then we will see how it goes. From today though, I feel like simply refusing to teach them, we are done, they don't want me, I don't want them, so let's just move on.
I have no imminent work, but looooooads of upcoming work. I could do it to be organised and take it off my head. But I can't be bothered. Idleness beckons. I think I deserve the chill time.
