A turbulent day

Today has been interesting. To say the least.

Firstly, Berts, lovely to chatter with you last night, deep & meaningfuls are all the more so with you.

Secondly, this ramble is going to be decidedly frank and bold, so beware. Take it with a swift measure of something stronger than Fruit Shoot.

Good things:

1. I got my offer from Wolfson today, which is exciting. I think going back to uni will be good fun, so it's a relief to know my plans are starting to be sorted (albeit loosely)
2. I had my second round interview at TF and that went ok I think. I was a bit hyper, but hopefully that will be interpreted as enthusiasm. We'll see how that goes, but fingers crossed.
3. I spilt beetroot juice all over my top, usually a bad thing, but it was so funny to see the big purple splodge that I have decided it is a good thing.
   

Bad things:

This won't really be in list form, and is also where it goes a bit serious, so stop reading now if you want light-hearted banter and not really any substance. So I got sent home/decided to take the option of going home early today because I was in a bit of a state. Really, I suppose I've been in a bit of state (with regards to this current state) for about 2 weeks. Up and down pretty much, which is tiring and odd. I remember when I was coming back from Canada I was pretty miserable and that first weekend back was outright despair. The less said about that the better (unless it's with some kinda trained professional I think). But then pretty soon after that I started getting high, I could feel it all last week, and then the weekend was just stellar, I can't remember it really, just that I know I must have been ticking some of the manic boxes. Even reading back on my posts I can see it. Perhaps that is partly why I am writing this one, for posterity's sake. Not that I'm planning my kids any time soon, or even whether I'd want them to read this. But that's an aside.

The last two days have been quite turbulent I think. I am feeling rational and kinda ok and normal now, but yesterday I was pretty reckless and then today I was back to despairing. I taught one lesson, feeling all fragile on the inside after waking up kind of numb. I guess I was acting oddly anyway, so when I said that I felt unpredictable, the alarm bells started ringing and an early finish was offered. I'm glad I took it, despite running out of time off, as I wouldn't have got through the day, I can feel it know thinking back, and it makes me shudder I was so off-key.

Unpredictable is how I would describe how I feel and all of this. I was quite upset and so I went to bed when I got home (10:30am, shocker!) and then when I woke up I felt empty again, but this time it was nice because it's a relief to feel nothing rather than have to feel everything all at once. The turmoil and the intensity and the pressure of the feelings is what gets to me, in that everything is all about NOW and it's difficult to get perspective, it's all impulsive and spontaneous and extremes. I don't like the extremes too much, and while I feel I am coping (badly, but still) at the moment, I am terrified of the time when I may not cope, or may not be as rational, and then lose the plot in an even bigger way.

That's why I called up the psychology people again and ask to be re-referred. I think it's time I properly attempted to sort this out since it's not going away and if anything it's getting worse, it's messing things up and I can't seem to control it, it just controls me. It will be tough to go through it all, and inconvenient, and arduous etc. but while I am holding on to being rational, I can see there is so much potential in me for destruction at both ends of the scale that it would be wrong and selfish not to try and fix it a bit.

In the meantime I am just going to try and take it a bit at a time, and not let myself get so high or so low, and keep reminding myself that once upon a time I did feel "normal" and that these times will come by again. It's just really hard to keep a grip when it starts to take over - life is just something that happens around it it seems, like I am just the vehicle for my "insanity". I wish I could keep my perspective and stay objective about it. In fact, when you read this now you probably think this can't really be happening since it seems pretty factual and disengaged, but it IS happening, and this is me trying to keep a lid on it.

Anyway, two more days of school, and we will just see how it goes. I have decided that if I fail my NQT year because of too much time off, then so be it. I can't push myself through it when I'm rollercoastering inside, so I should just let that pressure go, and concentrate on the little things.

Ending on a good note, the one lesson I did teach today was really good, top set Y7s on co-ordinates, so clearly I can put on the smile and do the business if I am forced too (although doing that all day wouldn't have been possible). Let's hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. And failing that, that I can feel a bit in control of the rest of it, and make it back to bed at night.

Thinking of school even when not at school

I thought that now all the parents' evenings were out of the way, things would relax a little. Err no.

Three things that I don't want to do that I will have to do this term:

1. Full reports i.e the comment reports for EVERY class I teach. This means writing 150 paragraphs that are all pointless since the kids mostly don't read on them, and certainly don't act on them. Plus the computer program that you have to do it on is stupid, and the whole thing takes ages. In other words, boooring.

2. Marking - the real bane of my existence. How on earth can I get rid of this rope around my neck? My favourite and best solution is to get the kids to mark their own books in class. Sure they learn less maths this way since lesson time is used for ticking, and sure this means they can cheat and copy homework and just fill in the answers as we go along, but the ones that are inclined to do this would have found some way to get out of homework anyway, so I think this is the strategy that I will have to pilot. There's no way I am spending next weekend marking silly exercise books. No way.

3. My NQT folder - I have nothing of value to put in it, and I can't be bothered to collect/make up "evidence" of reaching the teaching standards. Stupid paperwork. I only have 5 more sick days anyway, and then my NQT year will be rubbished, so I am ignoring this folder until the very end.

10 more weeks of school is too long, fire me now, I want to be unemployed! Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh.

I think I should go to bed.

At home today

Number of teaching days left to the end of term = 54
Number of sick days this term = 1

Boo. I have spectacularly failed to go to school today, and now I feel guilty, and restless. I think it's because I was only half-hearted about teaching today, so really I could have forced myself in, and yes, had a rubbish day, but at least done it. I am not pleased with my recent lack of discipline and will. In the past I was always able to make myself do things I didn't particularly want to do, but I have noticed that I have started giving myself the easier option and just getting out of things. Hmm, I need to work on that.

Actually it was good this morning to think that I had a free day. I need one in some ways. When the weekend is busy and intense and a bit unreal, then returning to normal routines is a challenge. Routines are very important for me I think, so I should try my best to stick to them.

Really I had intended to go to school today, it wasn't a planned skip, as I have been known to do in the past. What happened was I missed the last central line tube home last night, so then ended up with no way home (didn't want to take the crazy night bus by myself on a Sunday night, didn't want to take the tube to Walthamstow and get a cab from there, didn't have enough cash to pay the HUGE cab fee home) so stayed at X's, which gets me high a bit I think, and so in the morning when it came to getting up and going, I decided not to.

I think part of being a bit high might be the impulsive decisions that I seem to make. I have been making other ones today too including turning down my city job properly, booking a random holiday, and just generally not behaving as I would expect myself too. I am at home because I felt I was too tired to teach and so would be a bit hysterical, but in reality I am struggling to concentrate or even stay in bed. The idea that I have a whole day with nothing that I have to do is rather odd for me and, as such, unsettling.

This is the first thing I have been able to focus on. I should really be prepping for my interview tomorrow, but another side-effect of feeling high is "thinking deep" about things, and in more casual moments I find myself thinking that I don't really want that job, or any job, and that really I just need to do nothing next year. This is making it hard for me to try and win that job - a big part of me is either apathetic or actively stopping me succeed at this.

Thinking deep-wise, I was just having lunch with my grandfather. He's 88 and a lovely old man, but I realised today we have nothing in common, there is a such a sea in the 64 years between us. I don't understand how we can be so different, how he was a village boy and school master and proper Tamil man, and I am what I am now. How can so much change in two generations? It makes me sad to think that I will never really know him, but also happy because he is with us even with the sea in between. I wonder what my grandchildren will be like and whether they'll ever feel like aliens to me?

I am going to try and read a book now. Should that fail, I think I will hit the gym. Just doing nothing is too difficult.

Having re-read that post, I see that it's full of contradictions. One part of me wants just to do nothing, the other part of me just won't let that happen. Like most internal battles, I will probably end up the casualty.

Feeling awesome

It's Saturday afternoon, sunny sunny sunny, wearing shorts and t-shirt, feeling pretty damn awesome. Really awesome, it's great!

Have done all my work for the weekend already, somehow accidentally woke up at 7:45am and just decided to get on with it. Am now planned all the way up to exam week, which means no more long sessions of weekend lesson planning for me, woo hoo! Spent some good "work" time dancing around my room and looking out at the neighbour in the blue skies, lovely.

Lovely rice and curry lunch, yum yum yum, just what I need to set me up for a good afternoon nap. Was contemplating taking the nap to the park, but then realised this probably wasn't the safest, so am going to my "sauna" loft room instead.

Can't really get across how good I'm feeling at the moment. Was partly worried that maybe I was getting high again, but I don't think so, I think I'm just going back to being that person I was back in school, just happy about lots of things at the same time. Things seem to be working out my way for the most part, and the bits that aren't, well that's not so bad. The sun's shining, it's the weekend, and I'm going to have fun for the rest of it, yay!

School was all good this week, and last night Avenue Q was great, so so funny, the songs are just hilarious, and it's a really good concept. Like half black comedy, a quarter completely politically incorrect, a quarter naive optimism. I loved the puppet/people dynamic, was very well done, and all the characters and storyline were engaging. Only downer was the seats at the Noel Coward Theatre - would advise you to bring your own! Was also really good just to sit and chatter with the girls over dinner, lots of stuff to catch up on, and some quality time always makes me feel chipper.

This morning, apart from doing my work, we had guests round, so I was playing the good girl, and that was good fun. I made the tea and served things, and I cleaned and did the laundry, and help my mum cook, and she taught me some bhangra moves from her class this morning, and my dad and brother were messing around and joking, and my grandfather was happy because we were all there (we're really busy in the week) so it was just nice and good. Like how a weekend should be.

I've decided that this has all stemmed from feeling like I'm in control of things (and also not being hungover!) and also from feeling like I'm achieving things, and just seeing the good in things, like appreciating things I don't normally take the time to appreciate. And also just being close to people and being honest with them. It's all making me feel really happy, the happiness is in waves, they just keep coming and filling me up and making me feel really glad to be alive. This probably sounds nuts, but I hope the feeling lasts.

You know what? I think I would take a few days of feeling utterly miserable to feel like this afterwards. If it is this bipolar stuff making me like this, right now, I love it.

A Secret Socialist

I am thoroughly enjoying myself this week. School is cool. I'm ahead of my planning, and doing my best to keep on top of my to-do list, so things are mostly working out. Plus, NO MARKING, yay! I really think it's the naps and knowing that I will have a few hours each evening to do what I want in, it really makes a difference.

As I mentioned yesterday, I'll be in school tomorrow, but I'll be striking in spirit. I think I am becoming progressively more left wing. Back in the day I used to think striking was an absolute scandal and a disgrace, and thought that trade unions should have been banned. But now I see why they are really important, and fully support the NUT's actions tomorrow.

Further, I was browsing the London Mayor Election booklet, and found that the most appealing candidate to me was Lindsey German of the Left List. This was based purely on campaign policies, but then having done a little bit of research on the Left List, I have realised that I have been secretly socialist all along (at least, on most aspects) and just never acknowledged it. How odd. I wonder if this will last, or whether I will stray back to the centre once I leave school?

I am reading Monkfish Moon and it is making me crave Sri Lanka. I want to finish it tonight so I can go back to The Inheritance of Loss and get really into it. I feel like this week is still a bit like a holiday, so I better enjoy it while it lasts. Even if I do have to work tomorrow.

First day back with the kids

First day back with the kids. Was kinda dreading it, but actually it went really well. Despite all the time-wasting, managed to plan the week's worth of lessons, and the sudoku starters went really well. Found out I only have 7 more lessons with my Y9s before their SATS, and only 7 more lessons with my Y12s before their AS paper, good drama!

Was cool to have my tutor group back again, and there's just something about the summer term that makes me happy, it's just nice to work in the sunshine I think. Today has been a lovely day weather-wise, plus I don't have any marking to do, and I got to have a nap, so generally I am in an awesome mood.

Other good things include the wonderful Dina sorting out the half-term escape, woo hoo! I am also pretty psyched about the weekend, since I have decided to get all my planning done tonight and tomorrow night after all, so that I can play all weekend. We're going to see Avenue Q on Friday night, which will be hilarious, and then a big night on Saturday, and I am trying to wangle my Sunday with X, so it'll all be good fun I think, and thus I am looking forward to it. And then it's only 4 weeks to half-term, and only one of them is actually a full week of teaching for me, so that'll be awesome. I shouldn't get too used to four-day weeks, it'll mean after half-term will be shocking. Oh well, enjoy the present right?

My school is an academy so we're not part of the NUT strike on Thursday. This is controversial in my opinion, since even though our sponsors set our salaries, they are in accordance with government pay scales, plus, more importantly, the whole point of the union is that the members stand together, whether an issue directly affects them or not. Collective action looses power if some members don't take part, and I feel a bit like my right to stand up for my colleagues has been taken away without my consent. Another negative of the academy system...there's no way the whole country could strike for the staff of all the academies because you can only enter a dispute with one party at a time, and so those people not employed by academies wouldn't be able to take part in any pay dispute we had with our sponsor. The other thing that isn't right about this is that just because we work for an academy at the moment, that doesn't mean we always will, in fact, there are so many more government run schools, that chances are our future employers won't be academies, so we should get a chance to stand up for our future.

Anyway that rant over, another thing I want to ramble about is homophobia in school. Two kids in my tutor group came to me today and said they had been joking about "lesbian friends" and that a girl in Y11 had gone a bit nuts and threatened them. I spent some time trying to explain that it's offensive to say what they were saying, just like racial terms can be offensive if used in the wrong way. The kids just couldn't see the similarities - they knew and agreed that using certain racial terms in certain way could be offensive, but were adamant it was ok to joke about homosexuality because it "was just a joke" and "it's not real anyway". I'm not sure how to educate them about this without being seen to promote homosexuality, which, as far as I understand, is a no-no, particularly in our "Christian-ethos academy". Hmm, something to think about.

Right, time to lesson plan. In front of the football of course.

First day back

Day 1 of the summer term. An INSET day. The theme - literacy. In theory an interesting topic. In practice, boooring. My whole department switched off. Highlights included breakfast, coffee time, and lunch. Also learning what some Greek words meant (I want to play the literacy computer game Lexia, but it seems to be only for the kids who can't read that well). And finally sleeping last night, and also having an afternoon nap.

Managed to put off the planning all holiday. Finally have to plan. Am in two minds. Mind one says work really hard tonight, tomorrow night, Weds night (Y7 parents' evening on Thurs night, Avenue Q on Friday night!) and Saturday day so that by that time I have planned all my lessons up until half-term. Mind two says plan the four lessons for tomorrow and leave it at that. I want to listen to mind one, but I fear mind two will win out.

Big dramas trying to book a holiday for half-term, but it will be done, because it's good to have something to look forward to. Can't believe I only have twelve more weeks of teaching to go. Seems really short, and really long at the same time.

Right, time for supper. Will think about the planning afterwards (woo procrastination!)

Last day in Canada, first days back in London

Last day in Canada. Boo. I like Canada. I like being on holiday.

Thinking positive. Right. My own double-ish bed back. Sunshine in London. Summer term. Yay, I love summer!

My cousin's book was in The Metro today, woo hoo! Read the review here. We are all super proud.

So yesterday we went on an epic tourist venture. I did loads of shopping. I mean loads. My bag feels like there are small children in it. I don't pack very well I don't think. We also went to the ROM, which is another awesome museum. It's best feature is all the kids stuff - loads of the exhibits are traditional museum fare, but more appealing to kids (and so, me). For example, you could try on coats of armour, count live frogs, crawl through a fox hole, touch dino bones, unfold python skin, draw pictures, get stickers, and ask random questions to all the super keen museum guides. Was properly ace, we had so much fun, check the pictures on facebook.

We had a serious feast of a lunch at a Vietnamese place downtown. Tasty tasty food and excellent Mug rootbeer. I am adding Rootbeer to my list of yummy Canada food that you can't get in England for no good reason. I don't understand what rootbeer is, but it tastes so good.

After the Museum we walked to the square in front of Toronto City Hall and ate big ice creams/drank slushies. Scary sea gulls tried to get us, but we escaped. We walked all the way down to the harbour front, an epic trek, with some of us becoming rather hysterical on the way, excellent, just the way a good walk should be. Then we took the subway back to the Yorkdale mall and did some shopping. Sometimes in a shop I just want to buy everything, I become scarily materialistic, and that's when I want to go back and work in the city, so I can buy everything. But anyway, what I bought is good enough, and buying everything would mean I would be way over the baggage limit.

Update: am now back in London, and the weather is miserable, but it's not so bad being back. I feel a bit fuggy, jet lag I guess, I've not really been sleeping too well. Hmm. Have a coupla chill days before school starts, cool. Apart from the interview yesterday, which was kinda ok, but not great, I'm not too confident about that, but I don't know how much I want it, I'm happy enough to go back to Oxford. Nothing else too much to report, just got books to mark etc. Back to the grind. Yeah.

More reading

Jonno, are you reading my blog?! This is the sure fire way to tell. Clearly rhetorical questions provide the best answers.

My family are all out until lunchtime (I'm back in Brampton) and so I thought I'd use this time to think of more dazzling things to say during my interview on Friday. Obviously that is going well - everything I say is dazzling. So I decided I didn't need to do that after all so instead I've been distracting myself. On the plus side, I did look up the interview location so hopefully I won't be late in attending (note to self: punctuality is in my own hands. Yes it is.)

Finished Perks, it had a happy ending I guess, but it came about through a looong and saaad way, boo. I think I should go back to reading kids books with my cousins, they are not as dramatic. Although when Dora the Explorer was about to figure out who had been making the footprints in the sand, my heart almost stopped beating. It was Benny, of course, wearing flippers. Duh.

Now I'm finally on to The Inheritance of Loss, and properly this time, and it's good. Puja, you'll be happy!

Rambley Update - mainly about books it seems

Phew. It's been a while since I posted. Things have been a bit hectic over here. In a good way.

Have been moving around the houses of all my cousins. Most of my time has been spent "playing," which, frankly, is awesome. Despite being almost 22 years older than my youngest cousin (who I've just managed to put to sleep) I get treated like one of the kids over here; this could explain why I like it so much. No need to think or worry about anything - we just play and eat and sleep and watch TV and its good fun. Lots of charades and Junior Monopoly and building blocks and all that kinda stuff, it's cool. With my older cousins we discuss stuff and argue and debate and that's cool too - it's great that they've grown up now, to actual people with opinions and ideas and knowledge.

Aside from all the family stuff (it was Tamil New Year on Sunday, so LOTS of family), I've been doing a lot of reading, and thinking too (essentially the work has been abandoned). I read a book called The One Minute Apology, which was useful. The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing was seriously thought-provoking, unusual, and weird too. I tried to not engage with it, but I couldn't help myself. It made me sad again, why can't people just be good and right to each other and themselves? After that I started Fifth Business but had to leave it at someone's house, so I will pick up a copy back home. But I did read Love Marriage, authored by a cousin on my dad's side, which really made me think. It's all about my family and Tamil society etc. so it's difficult to read it objectively, but it got good reviews from outsiders, and I really liked it. Like her, I feel lost in myself, in so many ways.

Over here you feel your Tamilness a lot stronger than in London, but then you also feel your lack of Tamilness too, even in simple things like cooking and colloquialisms, and just "how we do things back home" versus what I've been brought up with. The second generation here sometimes seem to know where they stand, but mostly they're lost too.

Now I'm halfway through The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I love, but it's at another cousin's house.

Thinking wise, well, this is funny. All my aunts and uncles, whenever I ask them when they're next coming to visit, they say they'll be coming for my wedding. I was shocked, and then became quite prickly about it, so they only joke with me now and then, but really, I think they're gearing themselves up for a wedding. Sure I'll be 25 in September (marriage alert, marriage alert!) but what? I can't be getting married any time soon, I don't know what I'm doing in practically every aspect of my life, how on earth can I cater to someone else's? Hmm, this is unnerving, it's like a rock hanging just above my chest, and occasionally I feel it press down and it scares me. It's odd though, because my little cousin was reading her story book to me, and in it the main character spoke about "feeling like a weight had been removed from his shoulders", but my cousin said that the main character still wasn't happy, as even though the weight had been removed, the pain from the weight remained on his shoulders. Pretty deep for an 8-year-old.

Anyway, I'm heading back from Ajax to Brampton tomorrow so will try and give a less random update before I head back to London. Most excitingly, we're going to the Royal Ontario Museum, which sounds like it'll be full of random tat exhibits, woo hoo! A helpful distraction.

Lovely Canada + schooling comparisons

Hulloooo from Canada, eh? Heeheehee, I love Canada, it is just my place I think. Apart from Sri Lanka of course. But I feel more at home here than anywhere (apart from London, duh) and I love it.

So I'm at my uncle's house in Brampton, which is a small town North of Toronto, bordering on proper countryside. I went running yesterday and within 10 minutes of running through the neighbourhood I hit a wood, excellent. All around things are still being built. Canada's population is 32 million, just over half that of the UK. Toronto has 5 million people compared to London's 10 million. Sure it looks and feels like a city, but then when you think how empty Canada is, well, it's exciting. I'm sure I could find a house here where nobody could look into my windows when I'm dancing round the room.

Everyone is out at work/school, so I'm meant to be planning lessons. Sadly I had to bring work along, but I'm ignoring it. More important than lesson planning is preparing for an upcoming interview at TF, working on their Higher Education Access Programme. I have a lot of exciting stuff to say about that, but I'm still keeping it close to my chest since I'm strangely under-confident about actually getting this job. I can't figure out if this bodes well for me or not.

I've just read through the TF OFSTED report, finally. Interesting reading, very positive, but also some constructive criticism that needed to be said. Hopefully this will help TF reach even higher standards.

What else did I want to say? Oh yeah, I wanted to write about my cousin's timetable at school over here. It's so strange! She has two semesters a year instead of three terms, and in each semester she studies only four subjects, and she does these subjects every day! Even stranger, she has a four day timetable, and this timetable just rotates as the weeks go by. For example, if she has maths period 1 on day 1, then on day 2 she will have it period 2 etc. Then when you get to day 5, the timetable goes back to whatever you would do on day 1. Lessons are 75 mins long or 45 mins long, and the day ends at 2:15pm. Lunch is scheduled during periods 2, 3 or 4, depending on your timetable. It's bizarre, I can't imagine teaching the same four classes every day for a whole term. Oh wait, I do that actually, I teach the same 5 classes maths almost every day for a whole year. Weird.

Stranger than her timetable though, is her brother's old timetable (he's now at university). His school also had a 5 period day ending at 2:15pm, but because of the size of the student population and the limited capacity of the lunchroom, well, lunch was scheduled all through the day. This meant that students who had 1st period lunch just didn't have to come into school until lesson 2. He had 5th period lunch, which meant essentially he did four lessons without a break and then just came home at lunchtime. How crazy is that?! Especially when you compare it to my schooling, 5.5 days of school, 8:35 am registration, 4pm end of school day, 8/9 lessons of class a day, and 14 subjects studied in my first year.

Another thing that strikes me as controversially different is the lack of national assessment. They have no exams such as GCSEs etc. only school provided diplomas, which seem to be highly subjective and thus make it difficult to compare students progress and performance. You know I'm not a big fan of continual assessment and the emphasis on exams rather than learning, but I do believe in the national curriculum, and I wonder how Canada checks its students are learning the prescribed material if they don't test them in standard manner? Hmm, something to think about.

Ok, I best get to work so that later I can play with my cousins. Aaah, play, a long lost joy, seemingly only revived in Canada. Between playing and waffles I could almost just stay here.

Toronto Time!

It's the spring holidays! Yeah! I made it :)

Two weeks off, yippee!

Am off to Toronto in the morning, and then it's just one term to go, woo hoo!

Will update from over there. Hope you're all fine and dandy.