Think you've had a tough day? Join my club. Currently I am the president, treasurer and secretary, and there's only one real member on our roll, but I'm sure we'll expand with time.
So before I start the ranting, a shout out to Jade for such a lovely piano lesson that took me away from the madness of the day. A shout out to me too for being able to concentrate on things and have some perspective - if teaching does anything for me, it'll be how to keep perspective and look at the big picture (though having re-read this post, it appears I have no perspective at all. But trust me, this is a massive improvement from about 6 hours ago!)
But forget the big picture for now. Let's delve into the toughness of the day.
There were a lot of things that weren't fun today. I won't go into all of them but what they shared in common was complete disrespect by the kids. And I'm talking the kinda back-chat and attitude and downright abuse I still couldn't even bring myself to inflict on anyone, let alone at 11 years old. I can't think when I was most shocked - when a crazy girl stormed into a detention after school and threatened to beat up one of my detainees, or when the detainee in question said to his mate "she's gonna suck my c*ck" after she'd left. His mate in the detention had already shouted out to the class that he was gonna get himself excluded and an ASBO as well.
I've had numerous kids today storm outta things, shout rudely, knock things over, hit each other, walk out during conversations, give attitude, and just behave entirely inappropriately. By the end of the day I was harbouring real fantasies of quitting. Another maths teacher told me that most teachers feel like this because the job is just so stressful. She said that there were times when she'd just gone home and cried after work cos school was so tough. I'm kinda pleased that I still haven't cried over school, but today was definitely a very close call.
I guess my problem boils down to three main things. The first is that I don't know how to command respect. Actually, let me rephrase that - it's more than I have never had to earn respect, I've just always been in situations where people just respect each other. So it's really hard when the kids are practically running riot all over the shop and it seems like there's nothing you can do. This is probably all down to classroom control and behaviour management, which I can't help but think I must be rubbish at.
This brings me to my second thing - my almost complete inability to accept shortcomings or look for help. I've always been good at most things, so I find it tough to deal with the fact that this isn't easy for me. Plus I kinda see flaws as weaknesses, and I refuse to show weakness, so when I feel rubbish about teaching or something, I hardly ever say anything, I just bottle it and then take it out in the gym or something like that. I feel like it's not fair to burden someone else with it, which makes it worse because then I can't help but feel I'm all alone in this when really I should know I'm not.
Don't get me wrong, I always try and improve and fix the things I'm doing wrong, but with teaching sometimes it feels so futile. I guess that's the third thing - frustration. Teaching at my school in this situation is just so frustrating - it feels like you take one step forward and about nine steps back; it also feels like everything is against you sometimes, as if the whole system is conspiring against you ever achieving anything, let alone just keeping your head afloat. When it comes to trying to improve things, It's never a simple, do this and this will happen type thing; it's so complex with so many variables and random factors that the solutions are never easy or obvious.
Despite having some really good lessons, I'm still not confident in my abilities to really do this, to actually stick it through for two years and feel like I'm a good teacher. I take the negatives so much more seriously than the positives. This is weird for me since anyone who knows me would say I was an optimist. And in fact this morning I got outta bed really excited and ready for school, but then it just went downhill and I ended up wondering what the hell I was doing, putting myself through all this sh*t for what?
Anyway, I am over it now, it's fine, forget it. Can't be dwelling on today, it's done, I just need to stay focussed and in control. Besides, I'm visiting my old school tomorrow and it's a great time to feel like the grass is greener on the other side. Even if it's really not.
PS After a shower, here are some positives - always end on a positive :)
1. The respect I have for people who've dedicated their lives to education
2. The joy I get from actually teaching something to someone
3. How funny the kids are sometimes
4. Knowing that I'm really challenging myself rather than taking the easy option, and that no doubt I'm actually learning from this job
5. Having this as my biggest worry - I need to get over myself; I mean how many millions of people are in a worse situation?
By the way, check me out with my sharing and stuff....I am getting so much better with talking about all this kinda stuff. Well, writing about it. Although I kinda miss being a clam of a person....
So before I start the ranting, a shout out to Jade for such a lovely piano lesson that took me away from the madness of the day. A shout out to me too for being able to concentrate on things and have some perspective - if teaching does anything for me, it'll be how to keep perspective and look at the big picture (though having re-read this post, it appears I have no perspective at all. But trust me, this is a massive improvement from about 6 hours ago!)
But forget the big picture for now. Let's delve into the toughness of the day.
There were a lot of things that weren't fun today. I won't go into all of them but what they shared in common was complete disrespect by the kids. And I'm talking the kinda back-chat and attitude and downright abuse I still couldn't even bring myself to inflict on anyone, let alone at 11 years old. I can't think when I was most shocked - when a crazy girl stormed into a detention after school and threatened to beat up one of my detainees, or when the detainee in question said to his mate "she's gonna suck my c*ck" after she'd left. His mate in the detention had already shouted out to the class that he was gonna get himself excluded and an ASBO as well.
I've had numerous kids today storm outta things, shout rudely, knock things over, hit each other, walk out during conversations, give attitude, and just behave entirely inappropriately. By the end of the day I was harbouring real fantasies of quitting. Another maths teacher told me that most teachers feel like this because the job is just so stressful. She said that there were times when she'd just gone home and cried after work cos school was so tough. I'm kinda pleased that I still haven't cried over school, but today was definitely a very close call.
I guess my problem boils down to three main things. The first is that I don't know how to command respect. Actually, let me rephrase that - it's more than I have never had to earn respect, I've just always been in situations where people just respect each other. So it's really hard when the kids are practically running riot all over the shop and it seems like there's nothing you can do. This is probably all down to classroom control and behaviour management, which I can't help but think I must be rubbish at.
This brings me to my second thing - my almost complete inability to accept shortcomings or look for help. I've always been good at most things, so I find it tough to deal with the fact that this isn't easy for me. Plus I kinda see flaws as weaknesses, and I refuse to show weakness, so when I feel rubbish about teaching or something, I hardly ever say anything, I just bottle it and then take it out in the gym or something like that. I feel like it's not fair to burden someone else with it, which makes it worse because then I can't help but feel I'm all alone in this when really I should know I'm not.
Don't get me wrong, I always try and improve and fix the things I'm doing wrong, but with teaching sometimes it feels so futile. I guess that's the third thing - frustration. Teaching at my school in this situation is just so frustrating - it feels like you take one step forward and about nine steps back; it also feels like everything is against you sometimes, as if the whole system is conspiring against you ever achieving anything, let alone just keeping your head afloat. When it comes to trying to improve things, It's never a simple, do this and this will happen type thing; it's so complex with so many variables and random factors that the solutions are never easy or obvious.
Despite having some really good lessons, I'm still not confident in my abilities to really do this, to actually stick it through for two years and feel like I'm a good teacher. I take the negatives so much more seriously than the positives. This is weird for me since anyone who knows me would say I was an optimist. And in fact this morning I got outta bed really excited and ready for school, but then it just went downhill and I ended up wondering what the hell I was doing, putting myself through all this sh*t for what?
Anyway, I am over it now, it's fine, forget it. Can't be dwelling on today, it's done, I just need to stay focussed and in control. Besides, I'm visiting my old school tomorrow and it's a great time to feel like the grass is greener on the other side. Even if it's really not.
PS After a shower, here are some positives - always end on a positive :)
1. The respect I have for people who've dedicated their lives to education
2. The joy I get from actually teaching something to someone
3. How funny the kids are sometimes
4. Knowing that I'm really challenging myself rather than taking the easy option, and that no doubt I'm actually learning from this job
5. Having this as my biggest worry - I need to get over myself; I mean how many millions of people are in a worse situation?
By the way, check me out with my sharing and stuff....I am getting so much better with talking about all this kinda stuff. Well, writing about it. Although I kinda miss being a clam of a person....
