A Draining Day

Today a minor victory and many losses.

Minor victory: a Y9 boy in my classroom was shouting at someone through the door. I told him he would have 5 mins detention at lunchtime. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him it was now 10 mins. Shrugged again. 15 mins. Shrugged again. I lost my temper and told him to get his diary out, he was going to have an hour of detention tomorrow after school. He said he didn't care, he wouldn't come anyway. Kick the boy out the room. Catch up with him at the end of the lesson, take him to the phone, call his mother and tell her what happened, pass the phone over to the boy. Mum absolutely shreds him, I can hear her wailing him out through the phone, he looks visibly shaken. Take the phone back, she apologises for him and continues to berate him in her strong Jamaican twang. I thank her for her support and finish the call. He apologises and accepts his 60 mins.

Many losses: too many to mention really. Biggest one was when I decided to be "normal" with my Y10s i.e. let my personality out. Started well, but the kids just started playing up. In the end I got fed up and told them all to pack up and just leave. They tear around the maths department disrupting everyone. Error. That is very bad teaching. Equally bad was the Year 8 detention today - all the Year 8 trouble makers in one room. Nightmare. I essentially give up on trying to discipline them and just leave them to kill the time.

Big problem. I can see myself not caring any more, becoming indifferent to it all. It's too much right now, and rather than upping my game, I just want a break. The less energy and effort and care I put in, the harder it will be. But I can't seem to persuade myself to sort it out.

Forget all this mental health stuff, clearly my problem is my job and what it is doing to me. I hate being rubbish at things, but I will have to accept that I am not good enough at this.

Quick highlights of a balanced day

Another day down. Almost bed time so short and sweet...

Negatives:

• Y10 girl shouted in my face
• Y8 girl in my tutor group hates me cos I kicked her out the room for hitting a boy
• Another Y8 girl in my tutor group is on blue report and almost getting herself excluded
• Yet another Y8 girl in my tutor group walked out of school today
• And finally the last Y8 girl in my tutor group story...this one swore and I kicked her out the room
• My Y8 tutor group are causing me to choose between a slight breakdown and a complete detachment from reality

Positives:

• Y7 girls footie team beat a local team 2-1! Played really well, really positive and supportive, excellent captaincy and general good spirits!
• Random observation from an SLT member, just for a few minutes in my Y7 class, went really well
• Y10s were mostly very good today
• Y9s did a test, and were impeccable
• Loved some parts of today

"Ramos" has been scrawled all over the maths department. A secret Spurs fan is asking for trouble.

When I first woke up, I just wanted to hide in bed all day and so contemplated confessing my mental traumas and requesting extended sick leave...obviously didn't though, best save that for a worse day. Also have noticed that I was increasingly day-dreamy in school today, to the point where things that would have upset me yesterday I don't even register today. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism? Where on earth is my plot eh? At least I am doing my homework.

First day and I need a break!

I feel bad for anyone that has to see me straight after a tough day at school. Today's innocent victim was Jadey Bladey - thank you for putting up with my incoherent rambling.

School is always extremes with me - bits I love and bits I hate. Firstly, two things I loved from the day. In Year 7 PSHE the students had to write a little note to two adults and two kids who had made them feel good about stuff since September, and I got a note from little Daniel, who I chose to help me at Open Evening, and who apparently thoroughly appreciated the opportunity. This was sweet. Then my Y12 sociology lesson today was just great, the kids were really into it, it was banterful but we got a lot of work done too, nice.

Two things I hated from today. My Y10s were just uncooperative today, persistently talking and off task and rude and time wasting, was really frustrating. Worse than that, my tutor group. They are driving me up the wall, it's like whatever I do with them, they still walk all over me. I get really cross and worry I will eventually resort to kiddie tactics e.g. giving them the cold shoulder, shouting back at them. They would love that.

I wonder if there is any job where one regularly has to put up with pretty harsh emotional trauma from people one is supposedly there to help? After a bad tutor session with them I feel like jacking it all in, well, at least the tutoring side of things. It also makes me realise I could never be like someone in Spooks - if I can't deal with pressure from 13 year olds, how can I deal with international master criminals? I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am doing wrong, but am yet to come up with a solution. It doesn't help that my FB horoscope says "It's ok to take the easy way out this time. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be. The simplest solution is often the right one". So give up the tutor group?

Thought I'd end with this story I got emailed today, it's pretty deep...

There was once a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the back of the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learnt to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the little boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails had gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said "You have done well, my son, but look at all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry' , the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one." Friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Time For School

The end of half-term. How have nine days passed so quickly? It's almost a blur to me. Still, all good things come to an end...roll on Christmas, only 7 weeks to go!

After yet another night of fun, this time on a local level (nothing like being 15 mins from your bed, and also the clocks going back...wish that'd happen every weekend!) I decided to hit the gym hard. Loved it, my arms are gloriously aching. Berts, you'll be pleased to know I got yet another phone number in that place, hot stuff :) Then went to Diwali in the Square, which was beautiful. I love those times when I feel really connected with the whole Asian thing, and not on a banter level. Lots of dancing and singing and lights and food and all of that, excellent. Then tried to make it to an open mic night, but somehow got lost, and my conscience got to me, and I want to watch MOTD so legged it home. Lovely Sunday. Resolution for this half-term: live for the weekend.

What else? Well, I love Daniel because when discussing my potential as Spurs manager he said: "I think you'd be a great Spurs manager. Plenty of experience dealing with stroppy brats who don't want to do what they're told, used to being shouted at by hooligans, and trained to improve results in 'challenging' institutions". Hohoho.

I also love Bertie cos he sent me this: "bertie smarty pants? ouch meena very ouch. hope ure feeling better today good luck for tomorrow gorgeous x". When people on Saturday asked me why we weren't together I said it was because of THE RASH, but really, I think it's cos he's just too good to me. Wonder what will happen to the drama on that front....ooooooh drama Bertie!

Speaking of drama, I had decided that I would get my number one drama out of the way by just trying to sort it out so that after half-term I'd know one way or the other what was going on. I don't know why half-term is the deadline - this week means nothing to ordinary people. But then I decided that if I don't know one way or the other, then nothing is really happening, so I should just get on with seeing the other lovely boys. But then I decided I didn't want that. So I am back to square one.

What a useful ramble. It's similar to the battle I had with the Photo-Me machine today - wasteful. Which brings me to my final quote, Liz C: "I don't have the evidence for the link between psychotic behaviour and diarising every minute detail of your life to hand. I'm sure it exists. Doesn't the guy in American Pyscho do stuff like that? Not to worry, I'm sure you're fine. x"

Hohoho. Come on weekend.

A lesson learnt?

It's almost sunrise and I've just got home after another ridiculous night. Bertie was supposed to be with me but I have somehow lost him along the way.

As if last night wasn't pushing it enough - nicey pricey cocktails on the 40th floor of 30 St Mary's Axe. The kinda place most teachers are just not allowed; the kinda place that has security checks for yourself and your bags, and simply assumes you are well-off enough for a tab. Good stuff.

But then tonight I officially feel hyper. As I have all day, and maybe even all week. So the Hawaiieen night reached its natural conclusion, with a French boy with a funny name, and then I decided it was time to run off home. And am I proud? No, I feel like an f-ing muppet for doing the same old sh*t once again, when I don't even care. So will I learn? I hope so. Especially since I have now lost two devil's trident type things, and also a set of flashing horns, alongside my flip-flops, which just got stuck in the stickiness of the floor. Classy. No, we were classy, when Bertie and I went to a lovely restaurant on The Strand called Paradiso Inferno (Heaven & Hell) and it was just like Luna Caprisce so I loved it, and so we started off on a good foot; I think I just can't help the drama.

My aim for this weekend now is to sort it out so I don't end up doing this again and then feeling all cross on the night-bus. Not worth it. Let alone the hangover. But then what can I do eh? It's a bit win-win, lose-lose right now.

Update 19:21

Hahaha, I have just re-read what I wrote, I am such a drama-queen. Actually, I did feel bad this morning, but Bertie Smarty Pants has reasoned and justified and managed to make me realise we only live once, so why worry eh? Besides, I like it that I have a reputation amongst lots of random strangers :)

Spent the whole day in bed, but only 4 hours asleep, the rest of it whining and moaning about the world's worst hangover. People who go on facebook and say they have a hangover are lying - a real hangover stops you from doing anything. I couldn't move my head, I had chills and sweats, and when this fly came in the room and started buzzing I thought the world was going to end. Happily at about 2:30pm I picked up the pace (an unintentional "tactical" in the words of my brother...the nausea was overwhelming) and now I am comfortably in my second wind. Meant to be at two separate parties in opposite sides of London - instead am doing the local family shindig where the whiskey will no doubt be flowing.

So no, I don't learn.

Reading and Writing

I finished my statement of purpose in the end. But I don't like it yet, it's not quite right.

Then I made a mistake. I started reading this and then I couldn't sleep, it was all a bit too real. Now I am out of bed and ready to plan lessons. But first I must write my own (poem, not lesson, although maybe they could be the same thing?) else I will be distracted all day.

I think I may have judged the Amber Spyglass too early, it's already very good and mysterious, please erase all my negative comments from your minds.

Update 10:49
Hohoho, it is complete, and I like it. It's a bit filthy though. You, please don't read too much into it, I am feeling a bit dramatic today.

The Perfect Bed

It used to be the case
That in the instant before I landed
The delicate closing of my eyes
Would open my mind up
Wide like a gracious host to sleepy dreams.

The perfect bed
In the corner by the window
Made it oh so easy.
Lumbering and confidently Victorian
In its dominance of the room.

Slipping in and under the ideal weight
Originally wrapped in tessellations of footballs
But now alternating mocha and beige
Just like us.
In the mornings I struggle to shed this second skin.

I wonder if the perfect bed
Would change in your presence?
My certainty is that it would sincerely succeed in
Warming you and cooling me
Until we were mathematically satisfied.

So I toss and turn and flip the pillow over
Hoping the fresh side will distract me
From lucid dreams of tongue tracing
Maple syrup ABCs along your spine.
Even though food isn’t allowed in the perfect bed.

The varnish fails to hide the mottles in the wood
Swirls that he used to graze with hot fingertips
Melting me.
Now it’s you that keeps me awake
Pondering whether your dearth is its first flaw.

A first attempt at working

I am back and in and wanting to work (wanting is used loosely here). I have trapped myself at my desk, Word is open and the cursor's blinking, waiting for me to type. Aaargh but I can't. If I am struggling just to write my statement of purpose, perhaps applying to read for a Masters with lots of essay writing is an error?

I noticed on my blog that you can't search by label. This is annoying. I meticulously label each post, but what's the point if you subsequently can't search by label? Clearly this should be a priority, far more worthy of immediate address than my empty document.

I found the labeling issue out because I was searching for some words I remember looking up from On Beauty. I have forgotten the words, and their meanings. This too is annoying. I remember how good my memory used to be, but that's about it. And I can't find the post.

Thus I have decided that in future good words will be recorded on here, where I can't lose them. My word of the day: poltroon. An abject coward. I like the sound. But more so I like the statistic that this word is only used twice for every 100 million words said. Poltroon. Poltroon. I think I've doubled its use. I like it that I can change a statistic like that. What use are statistics anyway?

Come on words, write this statement of purpose. Gosh I hope the applications office doesn't read my blog...

Varnish; Squash; Books

My gosh the house stinks! All this varnish is making me really rather light-headed. Tried opening the windows, but frankly would choose being a wee bit high over freezing my ass off almost every time.

My Metro horoscope suggested that the Pisces Moon is making me unproductive. I am happy to use this excuse. Rest and relaxation is called for, it said, so I have decided to do just that. The guilt is nagging, but only quietly, I can block it out.

Played 4 games of squash with Ish last night, thoroughly enjoyed myself. I forget how much I like Ish until I see her again. She is one of those where you can jump straight back in to the level of intimacy you had before, as if we had never really been apart. The games were good, and the chatter was good too, but I am sad for her. She hates her job, and it's messing up her life. Such a shame, she has so much potential. For those of you that don't know her, she is perfectly vivacious, the life and soul of whatever's going on, the kind of person who can be everything to everyone. But yesterday she wasn't fully herself, and she blames her job. I hope she can get out. Actually, I just hope she can get back to being her old self.


In other news, I finished A Brown Man and Other Stories, and am now suitably paranoid about my coffee coated exterior (literally, I tipped the cafetiere too far, but like the smell, particularly as it is attempting to overthrow the varnish). I have moved on to The Amber Spyglass. Finally I hear you say Bladey. Well, yes, and no. I am about 6 pages in and already finding it tedious. I am sure I'll love the middle bit of the story, but I hate getting into it. It doesn't help that I went to the library after the gym this morning and now have 7 other books that I'd rather read. It's going to be a battle.

I may be out drinking tonight, so I apologise in advance if I'm on poor form tomorrow. Except I won't be because I'm so excited about seeing all you girls again, especially in such a swanky venue! Woohoo, it's gonna be lovely, can't wait to catch up!

Civil Service Day

Tuesdays are meant to be the most productive days for UK workers. Am I feeling productive today? Kinda. Am I channeling this productivity? Not exactly. I do have grand plans - completing my uni applications. These plans are not quite at an implementable level. I have completed one though, so half the battle....most of that was already done though.

Reasons I am not working:

• I lost a scrabble game by 11 points, when it was in the bag until an entirely unforced error. Boo.
• Spurs lost last night. Again.
  
• I have a slight hangover.
• The lovely lovely staircase polisher man is singing along to Magic FM.
• I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep. This too wasn't that bad, meant I could daydream, giving me control of my screenplay rather than just having to accept whatever my mind chooses. Enough of that.
  
• I am still a bit high from yesterday and can't really be bothered to focus.

So, yesterday. It was the TF Government and Civil Service Sector Training Day. A really good day, learnt a lot about the Civil Service, how the Government is structured, how policy is implemented, the various roles civil servants can take on, the opportunities presented by the Fast Stream, a snapshot into the life of an MP etc. Very informative. Two highlights: visiting the House of Commons, and being taken on a whistle-stop tour of Whitehall while being simultaneously taught about the structure of our political system by lovely Irish Steve.


I didn't know that members of the public can actually sit in on parliamentary debates, but we can, you just have to request a ticket for the Public Gallery from your MP. You can find out who your MP is using theyworkforyou and then email your MP using links from the site. My MP was super efficient (a reason to vote Tory?) and got me a great seat.

We watched questions to Des Browne, Secretary of State for Defence, which was really good and detailed. The department under question gets questions submitted to them 5 days beforehand, and then they have to prepare all the answers. It's good to know that other MPs are questioning the actions of various departments, and also that there's a bit of checking and balancing going on even within the Labour party. I was a bit shocked at how the MPs behaved around each other, lots of heckling and cutting each other down etc. but the Speaker was a good referee and kept them under control (kinda reminded me of dealing with a rather enthusiastic class!)

Anyway this was all exciting enough, but then at about 3:20pm loads of MPs started coming into the Commons and we were all trying to figure out why. Then the big-shots came in too - Cameron and Brown. Mr Brown delivered his speech on the EU Treaty hot off the press, was really cool. Annoyingly we had to leave before it got super juicy, but it was pretty awesome to watch the whole thing and also see the Prime Minister and Charles Kennedy and Ian Duncan-Smith and others too live in action. I wanted to say live in concert there, heehee.

The crazy tour made me a laugh, mainly because Steve doesn't know I did politics at university, and also because I am shocked at how little I remembered from first year...clearly the years of drinking have knocked me out. Bless him though, he answered all kinds of questions and even dealt with my endless comparisons of our government being a large football squad and the Cabinet being the first XI. So despite being really rather hyper all day yesterday, I was on good form and it was educational.

Still a bit gutted that Spurs lost last night, but on the plus side I had a lovely evening with Mouche, with lots of walking and drinking and laughing about silly things. London at night by the river is SICK. It was strange, we were walking through these side roads in the cold cold back to the tube station and Westminster was just silent, it was like being in some village somewhere, very nice. I think the coldness helped keep me sensible, I am proud.


Right I'm going to have a nap to prep for some squash later this afternoon. Rouse, a shout-out to you, I am still laughing at you today, you're hilarious! Maybe I will dream of you and cakes...

Sunday Funday

It's Sunday night. Am I lesson planning? Errrr NO! Hahaha, it's half-term, I don't have to! Enjoying these days off so much is probably going to come back and bite me seriously hard in the ass, but oh well.

I am feeling pretty damn good, I think it's something to do with a quality gym session, gorgeous olive ciabbatta, good coffee and chocolates, Sunday papers, wearing jogging bottoms all day, many other things too.

Perhaps it also has something to do with not being hungover. A typical holiday will usually start with a lash, but I have managed to keep it respectable. This is despite losing the rugby last night, oh dear, sad stuff. Commiserations also to Lewis Hamilton, what a shame there, although as my father pointed out, F1 isn't a proper sport and seriously damages the environment for no good reason, so maybe I don't feel as bad there.

Anyway, I sense this jolly mood may soon be diminished as even though I have good intentions for a relaxing week, these intentions will not be realised. I'm a bit too busy for my own good, with drinking opportunities aplenty. Further to that, I have decided it will be good to plan an entire half-term's worth of lessons (that's almost 150 hours of teaching!), catch up all my marking, AND complete and submit my university applications. Not to mention tomorrow is completely taken up with the Civil Service Sector day. I think the week will go before I know it. Doesn't matter though, after such a lovely chilled day today doing all the things I like on a Sunday, a little bit of hard work won't hurt.

And finally, I am convinced Matthew Tait and Daniel Radcliffe are long lost brothers...what do you reckon?

Happy Half-term

It's half-term! There's no better feeling than knowing you have a glorious week of lie-ins and time to spend as you choose.

Right now I have been up for about an hour, am sitting in my pyjamas, catching up on emails and phone calls. Usually on a holiday I tend to go a bit mad i.e. party a bit too hardy almost every night of the week and then return to school not quite rested. This time I am going for the calmer and more mature option, taking it easy :) Aaaah it'll be grand.



I just found this picture and quite liked it. Hasn't got much to do with the next paragraph but anyway.

Refereed a football match yesterday after school, completely impromptu, did it in my work clothes and borrowed trainers, how unprofessional! The game was our staff vs the staff from Warwick School for Boys (another local comp). Hilarious game, loads of the kids were there supporting, and the staff put in a really good show, lots of comedy football and silliness, a nice game indeed. We won 3-1, made a coupla dodgy decisions, but it went pretty well, really enjoyed it. Maybe I should get myself back into refereeing? Actually, no chance, like there's any time for that this season.

Speaking of seasons, have entered my fantasy team into our school's league in the Schools Fantasy League, a lovely idea whereby kids, teachers and parents from across the UK set up fantasy leagues and compete within and between schools. For teachers there are supposedly lots of associated resources, particularly for maths, citizenship, business and IT. Am yet to find these but anyway. Very cocky about my team, already told all the kids in my tutor group that I will beat their teams. Those of you who have seen my past fantasy footie performance will realise I am all talk and no points, heehee. Still, The Magic Numbers aren't too bad a side, we will definitely not sink this weekend.

Well, time to get on with the day, i.e. piss about and then enjoy the rugby :) Happy half-term!

Keeping Safe + Teenage Teachers

Two hilarious things to talk about, after another fun day in school :)

Caution, the following post contains graphic language and content. If, like some of my kids, your parents don't want you to learn about this stuff, you need a note in your diary.


Lesson 1 today, PSHE with my tutor group. The hot topic of the day, oh yes, "keeping safe - contraception". Cue the entrance of a shiny sleek rubber willy, a HUGE tub of lube, and four condoms, all in a cardboard box. The kids were pretty hyped up, it was great! Personally, am disappointed with the willy, I think it was only 6 inches or so. Just read that again, obviously I don't mean personally disappointed, stop your dirty mind.


We spend the first 20 minutes getting over the giggles and trying to match up pictures of contraception with their names. I struggle to differentiate between a "cervical cap" and a diaphragm. One of the girls is rather more clued-up than I thought, and helps out here. The kids cringe at my description of an IUD as similar to a "fishing hook". The picture of a condom is weirdly rectangular. We debate the distinction between the contraceptive pill and the morning after pill. D chips in with "Viagra Miss, that's the pill isn't it?" I laugh, despite trying to take the topic seriously. Here begins a lengthy discussion on erectile dysfunction, during which many of the kids laugh at the idea of old people having sex. Bless their young socks.

Later in the lesson one of the girls points out that all the contraception seems to be geared towards women. This leads to a big boy-bashing session, with a number of girls claiming that boys are just after one thing and that the girls are the ones left to deal with the consequences. The boys respond with the idea that girls try and tie them down too early, and that why shouldn't they jump at the chance of sex if they get offered it? It's funny and serious at the same time. It's strange because on the one hand there are kids who are all "Miss, why do we have to learn this, we're not gonna have sex any time soon" and on the other hand there are the kids who say things like "it's ok to give head, you can't catch anything and it makes you a good girlfriend". Not just strange, a bit worrying too.

The last part of the lesson made me laugh again. I was showing them this PowerPoint on contraception that I hadn't looked through yet. Slides 3 and 4 were about myths to do with contraception and sex, including such gems as "you can't get pregnant if you have sex on a boat" and "you can't get pregnant if you're underage". Thankfully the kids laughed at the ridiculousness of all these myths, saying that people must be stupid if they believed those things. However there were some raised eyebrows when I said that you COULD get pregnant even if you were on your period, and also even if he pulls out early.

It was actually a really good lesson, clearly if the kids care about the topic they will learn more, and learn better. Part 2 of this topic after half-term.

The other funny thing was this BBC3 programme called Leave Us Kids Alone. Basically over the summer twelve 17/18 year-olds were given control of a school and a class of 30 Year 8s to teach. The idea was that all these teenagers would have an opportunity to implement all their visions of a perfect school. In truth, many of them realised how hard it was to teach and run a school. I couldn't help but smirk when the rather weak "headteacher", Sam, struggled to get the kids to listen to him in assembly. Similarly when the jokey banter of "drama teacher", Liam, got him into all kinds of trouble with behaviour. It's so true, you need to play act all day at being a big serious adult, else the kids won't take you seriously. That's not to say that you can't be fun, but they need to see the serious side first. Anyway, the school failed its inspection, the headteacher quit, and a new head was appointed. Am interested to see what happens next in the school, and also the story of the dyslexic acting head chef, who felt that school let her down, and now wants to prove her worth in the classroom.

One day to go. Whoop!

A good Wednesday

I've always liked Wednesdays. I think it stems back to school days, halfway through the week + activities afternoons.

I had a really good day at school today. Yesterday was a little bit hectic, it always is after a day away. Lots of my kids were giving up on their work, putting heads on the desk, behaving badly, rude etc. But today it was much better, maybe because I was more in control and positive about things. This was despite getting out of the wrong side of bed, and wasting ten minutes in the morning trying to locate my wristwatch, how scatty! Speaking of scatty, can you believe I left my book Drinking Coffee Elsewhere on the plane? I am so annoyed, partly cos I love the book, and partly cos it's a library book and I'd hate for them to suspend my account.

So the good things today:

1. Completely took control of my Y10s, didn't let them get away with anything, so we learnt a lot
2. Successful assembly mission - you know how much assembly stresses me out, but today's KS3 assembly was great and the kids were all so good
3. Taught my Y9 compass constructions (perpendicular and angle bisectors) - very tricky topic but they all completed it, am really pleased :)
4. No fights on my break duty :)
5. My Y7s and Y8s girls football team drew their first match last night, and they were all so sporting and good natured and team spirited that I'm still really high off it
6. One of my tutor group shoved an LSA today and stormed out of school, but we managed not to freak out too much. Although she will be dealt with tomorrow.

I think the biggest good thing today was having a meeting with our Principal. I don't know where I stand on the whole "is she any good"? debate, but she was certainly awesomely supportive today. I approached her for a reference for university applications and she was really positive, which was good. But then she started confusing me, talking about doing an Educational MBA through our academy sponsors, and about how I could get on the leadership fast-track and she'd support applications and stuff, and that I should consider staying on in school. And after a day like today, even with having to mark two sets of 30 books, I feel really good, like I've done something worthwhile and it's been fun. But then sometimes I'm cynical, maybe she was just buttering me up for something, and is just after cheap non-political labour? But then on the other hand, I think I appreciate the recognition, and I think I want to stay in education long term, so hmmm....

Got me thinking anyway. Am excited about tomorrow too, we are restarting our trumpet quartet :) Am just as excited about tonight too, an early night, yay! Well, after marking all these books. I'm not even going to let England's loss to Russia get to me.

I am such a yo-yo.

Trip to Lourdes

I spent the weekend in Lourdes. I'm not Catholic, I'm Hindu, but we're very liberal. My mother has always wanted to go, mainly because of the concept of salvation through a mother figure, and also because Lourdes is one of those special places to which we need to go.


The story behind the whole place is really out there. I like it. I like the idea of visions and miracles and blessings and hope. The many sanctuaries are all beautiful and there is a glorious sense of redemption in the air. It's true what they say - people of all sizes and colours and ages and shapes stand side by side. I was surprised at the number of Tamil people; everywhere we turned there was another family approaching us. You know my mother, she loves a good chinwag, so by the end of the weekend she had quite the following.


I spent a lot of time in nice quiet reflection in various chapels. The Rosary Way in the Sanctuary helped pilgrims reflect and pray with its empathic depictions of the Mysteries. We joined in on the night-time procession on Saturday - an hour of slowly stepping around the Domain holding candles and praying. Thousands of people take part, it's an awesome act of collective worship. We visited the cave site where St Bernadette had her apparitions of Mary. We also collected holy spring water from the Grotto and bathed in Lourdes water. This was particularly moving, the nuns were all so kind and calm, it made it easy to believe. There were so many people there who had come to help others, and so many who had come to be healed, it made me feel blessed for all that I had. And also I feel like I have a new start. I know it sounds like I am listing activities that we completed, but I can't adequately describe the sense of contentment I still have within me now. I wish that people could be the way they are in Lourdes everywhere.


Aside from the religious aspect, we also did some touristy stuff. We took the venicular train up the Pic du Jer (one of the foothills of the Pyrenees), which was beautiful, clean and fresh. Hilariously, on our little carriage was a group of crazy old French tourists. There were about ten of them and three played accordions. All the way up they sang fun songs, and then when we reached the top, we formed a big circle and learned French folk dances from them. It was so surreal, but liberating too, twirling around with old people on the top of a mountain, it was ace! We also did our dues to the local souvenir shopkeepers by purchasing all kinds of tourist paraphernalia, and enjoyed some good rugby :)

I had a really good weekend, despite not being too well, and I put it all down to the aura of Lourdes. Try and go if you can, the spirituality is overwhelming.

Writing the personal statement

I've now spent over three hours trying to write a personal statement. It is still decidedly mediocre. And incomplete. My concentration is shot.

Some distractions I have indulged in:

• dancing to the Funky House Sessions (both discs...that's over two hours of music)
• opening and shutting the windows in my room to obtain the optimum climate (cos that's what's holding me back)
• painting my toenails
• thinking about packing for the weekend (but not actually packing)
• drinking cheeky beers with my bro (his idea, but really, it's not helped)

It wasn't good when I checked out a graduate site for tips and it said that many people write 10 or 12 drafts of their statement of purpose, and over something like 2 months. I have until 4am.

It's not a good time to have to do this. It turns out that I am not a fan of drama any more. I wish I had a crystal ball. And a time machine. Then maybe I'd be better at all this.

Expect an update in about 6 hours time i.e. when we leave for the weekend.

Update 23:47: I'm done. Got into the flow of it and it's done :) First draft obviously, but still. Packing can wait till the morning. Will ramble again on Monday, enjoy your weekend!

The Day Off

We've had the day off school for Eid-Ul-Fitr. How have I spent it? Oh that's right. Hungover. Productive.

I have so many books to mark. In fact I'm so behind that I haven't set homework for two of my groups so that I could try and catch up. I also have soooo much to do for my uni applications. But no. The hangover must take precedent.

So let me give the hangover the attention it craves. It's a red wine hangover, mixed with unacceptable nicotine inhalation...the most potent of them all. I went to the gym to try and combat it, but even when sitting in the sauna after a hard workout, the faint aroma of shiraz and smokes lingered. And then when I got back home I managed to drop my car keys down the back of the shoe rack in the porch, thus I was trapped and the day was written off.

I knew I was going to get hammered after the rather effort-inducing Thursday. My Y10s decided to flip again, so I had to shout at lots of them. Even S, who is naughty naughty and has an awful home life, but I have made him one of my special stars, and he knows it. That's why it gets to me when he behaves poorly; it's like he's testing me all over again. I taught a great lesson with my Y9s on tessellations that I'd made at lunchtime while my detainees looked on. I drew lots of shapes and then photocopied them onto card and the kids spent the afternoon cutting out the shapes and tessellating them and colouring in the patterns. It was fun but hard work.

But then after school I had parents in, and there was Year 8 detention going on the next room, and the kids were just mad, like shouting and screaming and stuff. One kid in particular, she was just a nutter. Her twin sister is already on the way to an exclusion, and now I guess she wants some of the action. She called a cleaner stupid when she was in the detention, and then started shouting and swearing at her Head of Year when told off about it. While the Head of Year took her away to some senior management person, I was left with the detention kids.

One of them threatened to throw another out the window. The boy in the room was rocking on his chair and moaning at the window. Another girl was banging her head on the table and then rocking the table back and forth. I tell you, it was like the Breakfast Club but with proper freaks. I was counting the minutes to get outta the place, and head to the TF event. Needless to say the event was pretty good and the free canapes and drinks were even better.

Which brings me to now. I'm away this weekend so I have to pick up the pace and get this stuff done. Sorry hangover, time to move on.

Open Evening

Open Evening has come and gone for 2007. Three hundred minutes of intensive "showing and selling". As our principal says, open evening is our "bread and butter". As such, bums on seats is vital.

Over six hundred people visited our little Academy this evening, a huge number. The visitors came in all shapes and sizes: from the Somalian family of 9 people, to the strange same sex couple with a little baby (strange because one woman had very short arms whilst the other made barking type noises), to the decidedly middle class family who wanted little Oliver to spend time in the ghetto to prove they really were left wing.

I spent thousands of words promoting the maths department, the exam results, the new building, the facilities, the resources, the workshops, the extra-curriculars, the pastoral side....the opportunities. It's strange how an evening like this can on the one hand fill you with pride at how much you genuinely care about the school and its kids, and on the other make you feel so cynical about the power of marketing and the way that people rejected us in the past and now that we have all this money they come back running.

The thing that really stood out for me today was our kids. They were just awesome. From little A and D in my Y7 top maths group, both of whom were absolute stars, all the way up to T from Vietnam in my Y12 sociology group, the kids were just awesome. Really did us proud with how they were and who they were. A number of parents remarked on how happy and confident the children were, and it's testament to their own dedication that so many of them came along to help out. A nice warm glow from that.

I guess we'll hear all about the success of the evening in briefing tomorrow. And while it was lovely to wander around the school and see all the exciting things going on, the true test will be whether we finally have a full year 7 in 2008. My money's on over-subscription. Judging by what some of the parents were telling me, it seems many are now desperate to get their kids in, so maybe the dream of a full year will finally come true. But will these new kids get what they deserve?

In other news I have a lurgy and spent Tuesday in bed. This sounds fun, but despite the perfectness of my bed, the lurgy is not a good companion. Lots of wild things happened in school in my absence, particularly my Y10s going a bit mad, and also my tutor group. Crazy "H" has been excluded again, this time for threatening a teacher with a bamboo stick, amongst various other interesting activities. I have a meeting to sort out references for next year. And tomorrow night we have a TF event, and since it's Eid on Friday, we have no school, yay! One day to get through, with a meeting with scary parents at the end of the day of which to look forward. Roll on drinks tomorrow (yeah clearly it will help with the lurgy!)

Dazey Day

I am hibernating. By that I mean I am wearing lots of clothes and hiding in my bed. This is nice.

I didn't bring any books home to mark today. I didn't really feel like it.

It's time for a week off the drink, I think the cumulative hangover is causing my melancholy. Perhaps also the horrendous nightmare I had last night that woke me at half four and stopped me going back to bed. Going to school on 3 hours sleep is just silly. Nevertheless, I am pleased I can push myself through it. Although "it" went by in a daze to be honest. A daze of dropping things, amongst which include my phone from the first floor landing to the ground floor; a knife from the kitchen drawer to almost my toes; a colleague's cafetiere (yes, the glass broke).

Apart from the almost dream-like wanderings of the day, I have spent a good amount feeling slightly restless, as if I am killing time until something, but I don't know what that is. Strangely I sat in my classroom alone at lunchtime, despite deciding I wasn't going to do any work today. That was definitely killing time, but then went it came round to lesson 5, I didn't really want to do that either. Apathy. Boo.

On the marginally more alert side, just played three of my scrabulous games and got some good stuff down. My words: jar (30); talented (60); dominate (90). A touch of arrogance perhaps? I am particularly enjoying the roundness of those scores, and the way they are multiples of 30.

I'm going to bed now, I think it's best. I don't want to join the legions of staff off sick at the moment.

Sunday Night

Well, it's late on Sunday night, and I'm asking myself why? Why on earth have I let this happen again? Surely I would have learned by now that yes indeedy, I'm tired, I need a rest. But no, I keep on going. Can you believe it was a mere 11 hours ago that I was just making my way back into the house from Oxford last night, and now I am already hungover again? Time for a rethink.

Last night was pretty damn awesome...forget what I said about giving up on the Disney love - they're all just too funny, I can't get enough! Bertie too, and Michael, and Bertie's brother...all lovely :) Tonight dinner at Bel's was also fantastic, a hilarious crowd with some entertaining characters of dubious sexual orientation and, further, impressive keyboard skills. Despite the water having been cut-off to their place, the food was tastalicious and the banter was good and solid.

In other news I am trying to figure out the difference between sensual and sensuous. Also, how about this for a great description of a person - "a living anthology of mediocre sentiments". How much would you hate to be described like that? I am loving Notes on a Scandal by Zoe Heller. So much so that I might have to write notes on my own scandals...

And so to Monday.

Sleep Rambles

Absolutely cream-crackered and it's only quarter to four. My sleep debt must be on a par with what some random small country owes the UK government. I think that sentence would have been better if I had some numbers in it. 7483423908403. Numbers :)

Saw my TF coach on Thurs night. Did some deep bonding - he's remarkably easy to trust. He says its because he's completely away from the rest of my world so I can say whatever I want to him and there are no repercussions. I think I get where he's coming from. Anyway, he told me to pull my socks up and stop making excuses. He says everything can be controlled through a positive frame of mind, and that if I'm smart and capable then I should just go for everything I want to go for. So long as I believe I'm making the right decision and that everything is under my control, well, things will be grand.

Went nutso with my tutor group too, set them all hours and hours of detentions. Had parents in to complain on the Friday, that was fun. One of the boys had told his mother that he wanted to die because school was too hard. Oh dear. Felt pretty bad about the whole angry/negative thing I've got going with my group at the moment, need to be stricter but kinder too.

Had a lovely time last night, some squash and then some alcoholic squash (ok, fine, beer, but alcoholic squash woulda been good too). Am pretty sure I am about to cause all kinds of drama, but the anticipation of it is exhilarating. Deep breaths now, heehee.

Was told to check out this guy. I think I've seen him before, maybe on the telly or something. Anyway, here's one of them, hahaha....

Relaxing with Taxidermy

When their chihuahua got stuffed
they were really chuffed,
no need to feed her
or walkies on a lead her
no more poop to scoop
and doesn't she look smashing on the mantle piece?
She'll always look at the camera now.
I don't know why we bothered having her alive at all.

Hours of Marking!

Just finished marking my Y10 books. Took me almost two hours to get through the 23 books. Calculated that if I have to mark 5 sets of books each week, ranging between 20 and 30 books a set, and each lot takes me approx two hours, well, that's 10 hours and over 100 books being marked each week. 10 hours of marking! That's like a whole extra day of work, not to mention the time I spend on Sundays planning lessons. Gosh! And on top of that is my Y12 sociology group, who are admittedly only 7 students, but they write essays, which takes a good amount of time to assess.

Standard intensity of a school day. Highlights include a bit of a heart-to-heart with "Tall and Moody", reprimanding "Sweet but Annoying Blonde" for "simulating masturbation with a pen" in her maths lesson (yes, you read correctly, that's what it said on the incident report), and confessing my complete inability to deal with my tutor group and the corresponding imminent breakdown to my Head of Year and also the Head of now Y11. Good stuff. Am about to go have some hot chocolate and contemplate a life more ordinary. With less marking.

More Poetry

Just to hammer the point home (and also because a strong cup of coffee + half a bottle of red wine + the joy of Spurs coming back from 4-1 are not really conducive to sleep...at least not for me) here's a hilarious Roger McGough poem from AS English. I found it in an article in the Daily Mail about how an 11 year old was traumatised after having to draw pictures based on the poem at school. Oh dear, even I wouldn't make children draw pictures of kids being slayed by their teacher. The poem, on the other hand, strikes a chord with me today...

The Lesson
Chaos ruled OK in the classroom
as bravely the teacher walked in
the hooligans ignored him
hid voice was lost in the din

"The theme for today is violence
and homework will be set
I'm going to teach you a lesson
one that you'll never forget"

He picked on a boy who was shouting
and throttled him then and there
then garroted the girl behind him
(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way
between the chattering rows
"First come, first severed" he declared
"fingers, feet or toes"

He threw the sword at a latecomer
it struck with deadly aim
then pulling out a shotgun
he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the back row
(where those who skive hang out)
they collapsed like rubber dinghies
when the plug's pulled out

"Please may I leave the room sir?"
a trembling vandal enquired
"Of course you may" said teacher
put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway
to see why a din was being made
nodded understandingly
then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent
with blood on every chair
Silence shuffled forward
with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage
the dying and the dead
He waggled a finger severely
"Now let that be a lesson" he said

Poetry

I completely forgot about it being National Poetry Day this Thursday. We're having a poetry themed week all week, nice stuff. The KS3 assembly, despite being a stress-fest, was on poetry, and thoroughly enjoyable. I loved this poem...

The Sunlight on the Garden
The sunlight on the garden
Hardens and grows cold,
We cannot cage the minute
Within its nets of gold,
When all is told
We cannot beg for pardon.

Our freedom as free lances
Advances towards its end;
The earth compels, upon it
Sonnets and birds descend;
And soon, my friend,
We shall have no time for dances.

The sky was good for flying
Defying the church bells
And every evil iron
Siren and what it tells:
The earth compels,
We are dying, Egypt, dying

And not expecting pardon,
Hardened in heart anew,
But glad to have sat under
Thunder and rain with you,
And grateful too
For sunlight on the garden.

And, as a weird coincidence, the other day on the tube I loved this poem...

Snow
The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.

And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.

Same poet - Louis MacNeice. What are the chances? I think I may be a fan.

5th Week Blues

This is going to be a rant about school. Grrr it makes me so cross sometimes. I was going to try and be positive, but I have decided that it would be entirely unfeasible, and fictional even, to try and balance out each sore point with three good things (like we're supposed to balance discipline with praise i.e. 3 positive praises to every 1 telling off), so I will just rant.

I should have known it would be a tough day since I was nocturnal last night and thus bound to be a little wired. Further, my throat is so sore. In fact, it's been like this for ages...so much so that I can't even remember what my voice was like, only that I used to be able to sing much higher and clearer than I can now. Grumble. Anyway, hit the gym, this was good, I liked that, specially since I broke a time.

Arrived at school and my subject mentor informs me that I was in her dream last night. Apparently we were at a building site (maybe the school building site?) and she was watching me reverse my car into one of those JCB digger things. I crashed right into it and then got out and said "oh no I've done it again," while she looked on. I have decided to interpret it as her feeling she is unable to help me stop making the same avoidable mistakes.

Only taught 3 lessons today, and actually they weren't that bad. Was really impressed with my Y8s, where we did geometric constructions (finding perpendicular bisectors and angle bisectors using compasses and rulers) which is a level 6 topic, but they all go it. Y10s managed to work for 45 minutes, although then they started being idiots. Y7s were also great, lots of good work on function machines. Hmmm, so, having reflected on my teaching, I'm not that rubbish at it. I mean, the lessons went well and the kids learnt.

Oh yeah, I remember what made me cross. My sodding tutor group. They are just evil. It was assembly this afternoon, which is basically this huge stress. The kids just cannot cannot behave or be quiet or be orderly, and so I end up looking like a muppet cos my class is out of control. They are driving me up the wall - so so many incident reports, and they just won't listen to me. It's frustrating, I feel full of frustration, and it's exhausting. One of the girls called a boy a "fat c*nt" in assembly; another one is forging her reports; crazy H hit a girl in the corridor; Tall and Moody stormed in and out of the classroom slamming his bag hard against the desk. I'm lost. It's pretty stressful, although I saw two teachers really in tears today, so clearly the tough times are across the board. I was trying to think who I could go to to help me with them, but the new Head of Year doesn't have time, and there's no Head of KS3. My classroom and behaviour control is usually good, I don't know where I'm going wrong. Maybe a new seating plan would fix it...?

I tried calling some of the kids parents. It turns out that Tall and Moody is living in two different houses at the moment, and that school is the only stable thing in his life, so if he occasionally tantrums and storms and swears, well, it's surprising he's holding it together. Ended up counselling his mother a bit, so a bit of a dead-end there. "Blonde Attitude" is like a mini-version of her mother, who appeared to put the phone down on me, so again, no help. Gave up after these two, although I'd made two positive phone calls before the negative ones, so that was ok.

Oh some good news. My mother had the jewelery I bought for her on the weekend checked through and valued, and it's all good, and valued at a third more than I paid :) And we have a nice tasty bottle of red open. Not that drinking through is the answer.

I think it's just a case of 5th week blues. Roll on half-term.