Marking Done! For Today

I am writing in orange because it describes me now I think.

Woo, I've finished marking two sets of Y9 homework. It only took me almost three hours. My brain is half fried, and half super hyper because now I feel free and I can celebrate. Obviously I can't celebrate in the way that I want to, but still, maybe I will indulge in a little dance or something.

In others news, two of my friends from different worlds met each other today, and quite patently fancy each other, but one is taken, so despite my instinct to matchmake (and the fact that this time both parties actually seem to want me to get involved), it can't be done. What a shame. I don't want to be a relationship destroyer, but what if these two are meant to be? Hmmm....

All this scheming, surprising stuff, since I could barely string a sentence together in the last few books. Aaaah I'm escaping my desk now, yippee!!

A good and bad day

I am meant to be marking. Again. Aaargh, sooo much marking!

Today after school we were in the staffroom. I had already missed one phone meeting due to a drama with crazy "H". By "we" I mean lots of the young teachers. And we were all complaining about why things are so tough and bad at our school. We concluded that it was because we were all over-worked and stretched too thinly to get things done properly. On the one hand we have a lovely £30m new building. On the other hand, we have so few staff to cope with everything that we are all continuously just trying to keep our heads above water.

I regularly work a 50+ hour week. Get into school at 7:45am, don't leave till 5pm, do a couple of hours of marking on an evening, work Sat morning/Sun night. Yes, I could probably manage time better, and yes I am still new to teaching so I am still learning, but surely that is a bit nuts? I'm not even a massive perfectionist. Yes I put in effort when I plan lessons and make resources - I want my lessons to be good, so perhaps this takes more time. But I guess the key thing is that once I am in school, that's pretty much it, I'm running around all day. Today I had 10 minutes spare for lunch, and one free lesson in which I was filled in loads of forms and chased up various tutor things, but the rest of the time was spent doing stuff. I don't understand, how do people get things done so that they are not working, or thinking about work, AAAALLL the time?!

On the plus side I hit the gym this morning, was ace. On the minus side, this was because I didn't sleep last night, and when I did I had nightmares, so humph. On the plus side all my lessons were awesome today, genuinely good with no trouble (perhaps because some of my naughty Y10s were stoned in the afternoon, or so I suspect...). On the down side there was loads of drama with various kids and fights and exclusions etc.

I think the worst thing today was speaking with J, my form co-tutor. She's an NQT like me, but she's one of those people who's really amazing at her job, always on the ball, always giving that little bit extra, always doing good things, loved by all the kids etc. But today was the first time I've seen her seem to be under the same stress and pressure as everyone else. She said she had an awful day and she was upset about it and about all the horrible things that happen in our school. I am sad about this because I feel like she's been broken down too. I hope not though, all we can do is bounce back each day and try again. But it's frustrating when no-one seems to fix anything, there's just too much to sort out for anything to actually be sorted.

Woo, one more day of school before a training day, oh yeah! Oh wait, the marking.

Being sworn at. Again.

I got told to "stick it up my f*cking arse" by one of the girls in my tutor group today. This is after speaking to her mother about her poor behaviour. Sigh.

This is the third time a kid has sworn in my face in the last 6 days. I am beginning to wonder if I have "swear at me" written on my forehead. Or what I am doing differently that is vexing these kids so?

On the one side, I am pretty dumbfounded when kids swear at me, I am just so shocked by the words that I don't really react straight away. And then I tend to let it go, and not worry too much. But then on the other I am entirely indignant, why should I have to deal with that kind of abuse? And what kind of child speaks that way? I can't remember ever being so rude to someone like that. Probably the question is what kind of parents/carers allow/teach their children to speak like that?

More positively, today the Y8 girls' basketball team made the Waltham Forest Borough final, which is awesome! The game was so much drama - against another local school and it was point to point all the way, with our girls winning by just a single point, and a desperate fight to the finish. There were tears and cheers and hugs and all kinds of craziness at the end, I love how sport can do that.

Also, I have booked a half-term escape to Dubai and I can't wait! It's three loooong weeks to a break, but now I have a clearer goal in sight - sun and life out school, woooo!

I am meant to be marking, but I'm on strike, I don't want to do it, there's just too much. Instead I shall retire to bed with my overdue library books.

Quick Round-Up + Rambles

I have just marked two sets of class books. Phew. So hard-core has my marking been that I actually have those finger dents, which I don't remember having since finals. Phew again.

I still have my Y12 essays to mark, plus that long-forgotten risk assessment for the Cambridge trip to complete. Boo. I don't want to work any more tonight, I'm tired. I've already had a 20 minute disco nap, and that was actually super-useful since my marking was twice as fast afterwards, but I fear that if I put my head down now, that'll be it.

So what's been going on? Busy weekend, went to a housewarming, a 21st and spent 7 hours in the pub yesterday. Did my lesson planning on Saturday morning, a real impact session, I felt I owed it to the work. Plus I had a smile on my face. The housewarming was lovely, loads of booze, but managed to keep it reasonable. The house was in Kennington, but it was on a square and really nicely laid out, so I was jealous. The 21st was a family thing, and miles away, and I was totally falling asleep by 11pm. Crashed out in bed by half one, but somehow woke up at half eight on Sunday morning so hit the gym, yay! Made it ok to feast in the pub later. No comment regarding the Spurs defeat. Or the rubbish regarding buying Woodgate - what an error, they might as well just as buy me, except I would be better.

What else is new? Today taught some good lessons, I love my Y12s, they make me laugh so much. Y10 were good lesson 1, and so were my lower-ability 7s. Am worried about my top set Y8, I think I'm being too casual with them, and as a result we're not doing as much work as we need to. We had an assembly on the Holocaust - kids in my tutor group were talking and laughing through it so I shouted at them and kept them back afterwards. I can't remember being so disrespectful over something so important, particularly since if you consider the kids, well, if the Nazis had had their way around the world, only about three of my tutor group would still be around. And I wouldn't be. I guess they just need to mature.

After school we had a meeting with "K" and "S" and their English teacher and the 2nd in charge of English. The girls have been kicked out of English after some really dramatic conflict between the teacher and the kids. It's a nightmare, but today we seem to have made some progress on the reconciliation front. The girls were mature and gave some good ideas, and I think the English teacher is trying to give them a second chance too. I hope it works out - these are bright girls, they have a lot of potential, but I'm worried they're getting in too much trouble. They already have over 50 incident reports between them.

That said, crazy H had already picked up 50 plus two temporary exclusions before Christmas. He is going to be permanently excluded, he just can't behave. Today he lost the plot - 3 incident reports out of 5 lessons, plus he lost his red report, plus he was messing about in assembly. Sometimes he's just like that. It's such a shame, what's he going to do?

In other news, my horoscope:

You’re probably still reeling from the amazing offers of January’s last half, which were so good that you’re carefully evaluating them before committing. While they’re undoubtedly just that good, with your ruler, Mercury, retrograde from Monday until February 19, problems are bound to surface. Actually, the minor errors this cycle triggers should be helpful — you’ll want to slow the pace and will have numerous questions you want answered. These aren’t urgent, however, while situations involving those closest are. Make lending them support your priority and your kindness will be returned many times over.

I don't like the way it has "errors" in it. Also I lost a Scrabble game to X this weekend. Devastating. I genuinely thought I'd never lose. Humph. On the plus side, I've learned a new word - panpharmacon - a medicine for all ills. In seven letters, panacea.

Another hectic day

This is my 299th post, how exciting! I'm meant to be marking Y12 essays now, but I'd rather be on here, rambling. We have had people round for dinner, and I have had the busiest day, with lots of drama and ups and downs.

Good stuff:

• persuading "R" in my tutor group to attend a long overdue detention
• getting "H" to realise it is wrong to shout "waste man" into someone else's class
• counselling 5 members of staff
• having my medic friends in to speak to Y12
• hitting the gym hard
• sorting out the LRC book list
• teaching 3 good lessons, including a great one with Y10
• finishing marking all my maths books for the week

Room for improvement:

• having one of my colleagues in tears in my classroom about a child abuse case, and then hearing about two more, and then realising how f*cked up so many of our kids' lives are, and feeling entirely drained by not being good enough for them
• hearing another colleague has handed in his resignation after just 3 weeks on the job because the kids are just too hardcore, and he misses home
• my Y8s kicking off - top set and everything, but going over a test that they all messed up is never fun
• meeeeeetings - on and off and on and off, can't they make up their minds?
• knowing I have SUCH a busy day tomorrow
• missing a TLG, when I like sharing my wisdom with the young 'uns

BUT that's ok, it's the weekend! Almost. And at least my dramas are minor compared to some other peoples. Plus my horoscope said just close my eyes and go with it. Ok then.

Finally, a joke from the Marmite bottle: "Doctor doctor, I can't stop eating Marmite on toast". "I know, and I think it's spreading". Hahaha.

Naughty tutor group

I just re-read my last post about being gloriously unbusy and having finished all my work. Is that still true? Errrr, no! I am cream-crackered and have about 50 books to mark. Boo!

Why do I have so much work today? Because I did none last night, because I was busy watching Spurs thrash Arsenal, woooo! What an awesome game, I can't believe it, 5-1?! That's insane scoring, especially against Arsenal. I'm so pleased, we're finally gonna play in a Cup Final at Wembley, wow. Perhaps still a bit in shock.

Accidentally got a bit drunk last night with X, we drank our way through the Australian beers. Not too much, but enough to be dehydrated and mildly hungover. Also, decided it'd be a good idea last night when I got home to tidy up stuff, stupid idea, mainly because then I only had four hours sleep. Why do I keep forgetting that teaching tired and hungover is not fun? I need to make a sign and carry it around to remind me of this important fact.

Today was dramatastic, properly dramatastic, school-wise. Yesterday one of the Y8s told me to "get out my f*cking face" and we had a massive long department meeting, so that wasn't fun. So today the fall-out. Had to chase up the exclusion for this girl, plus at the meeting it was decided that I'd do all the maths book ordering for the new library, except the deadline to sort this out was today, whoops. Despite having two free periods today, I spent all my time chasing up kids. My tutor group have gone nuts. Some highlights from today:

• "A" got in a fight at lunchtime with a Y7. A is a good girl, I don't know what happened there.
• "S" called an English teacher a "f*cking rude git". Consequently her and three others were kicked out of their English lesson so we had to spend a free lesson sorting that out.
• "H" was caught tearing around the school, and then spent a further 10 minutes giving the 2nd in Science and the security people the run around, before finally being caught.
• Another "A" has picked up two hours of detention in maths for being badly behaved, so I had to call her mum.

On top of that I have something like 15 incident reports for various kids and it's only Wednesday. Being a tutor is a serious full-time job, especially with all the drama. There's no time to sort them all out properly. Like today I wanted to spend some time with "S" as she has to see a counsellor tomorrow, plus she's worried about being excluded for her swearing, but there was just no time. I wish I could be there for them a bit more.

Lessons were ok mostly, except Y9, two kids were upsetting each other, then one started crying and hid under his jacket, more drama. During break duty there was a bit of chaos in the dining hall, and "D" in Y11 said "you are so f*cking hype man" to me when I wouldn't let him storm back out the doors. So much swearing today, why do they think it's ok to do this?

On the plus side, Mos came to speak to VIth form, that was really good, except he kept calling me by my first name in front of the kids, which was really funny. And also because I took him up to my classroom afterwards, and I had lots of my "silly" kids in detention, and they spent all their time and energy winding him up and me up, asking us if we were a couple, whether we fancied each other etc. Actually that was quite funny, if only they knew eh?

In an ideal world I'd go to bed now and get some rest. Or I'd go to the gym and have a good work out. But instead I have to mark my Y8 tests and think about my higher education meeting tomorrow. Oh and the book list. Oh and the risk assessment. I think I may be TOOOOOO busy. Good thing I am blogging instead. About another stay day.

The news said today would be miserable but...

...not for me! I am feeling pretty damn good. It's 21:35 and all that I needed to do today is done. I feel like I have nothing that I have to do right now. It's a good feeling.

Listening to Lupe. Sick. Maybe I feel a bit like a Superstar myself.

Today was definitely a stay day. I taught three good lessons, had minimum drama, and maximum support from my mentor, head of department, and induction tutor. All these pep talks are adding up. Really, I can't quit, it'd let too many people down. Plus today I feel good about it all. I just have to keep remembering that there are good days.

So I got my observation feedback and it was pretty good. She said that she had seen me teach better, but given that I was hyper on Friday, it was reasonable. Seems my energy came out in the good bits, since I got high ratings for teaching and behaviour for learning. Progress, challenge and assessment were all rated a bit lower, but I'd like to think that was because my teaching made the kids find the work easy, rather than because the work was easy. It patently wasn't easy - converting between fractions and decimals, that's tough stuff for level 3a/4c 11 year olds!

I think the bit that made me feel the best today was the fact that ALL of my Y9s turned up to my whole class detention after school. I was expecting like three of them or something, but apparently my rage at them got the message across. So seriously did the kids take the detention that one parent phoned in, and two got notes from their folks to excuse them. I let the kids that had behaved on Friday go within the first 5 minutes, and everyone else was really well behaved in the detention. My head of department remarked that this was a really good thing - that the kids want to learn from me and they respect me after all. Hopefully this is true, and now that I've been cross with them, they'll start behaving. Y10 were also better today, good.

What else? I played this memory game with all my classes today, it's ace! And hilarious that I can do the same stuff with 11 year olds and 15 year olds and they all get on with it. Also, this article about sleep and mobile phones. I've taken to putting my phone on proper silent at night to stop me waking up, but occasionally I mess this up and put it on super loud instead, leading to a massive shock if it goes off at night.

So fingers crossed tomorrow is as good. And that Spurs win. Time to cane the rest of my scrabble games and then for the early night I have been looking forward to all day :)

Sunday Chilledness

I was on my way to the gym when I got distracted by my computer. Whoops. By on the my way, obviously I mean about to leave my room, no chance of having even got down the stairs.

Today I feel good. I am still very very hot, but I feel chilled too, emotionally I mean, not skinwise. Remarkably well rested. I am pleased with my ability to keep things under control and make the right decision. It helps to make the right decision when you are practically falling asleep at the dinner table.

Ish's birthday dinner at Ruby Blue last night was really good, although alas I was only there for just over an hour, so didn't have time to catch up with lots of people. But that's ok, my conversation woulda been shocking anyway. On the plus side, my parents anniversary dinner was lovely. We went to a Chinese place in Northfields, which was strange at first since we hardly ever eat actual Chinese in a restaurant, but the food was very good. I had king prawns with green peppers in a black bean sauce, and it was super tasty, I could eat it all day today too. Quite a pricey place, and I was initially cross with the service, but I got over it after quite a bit of yummy Chilean red. They all had a good time anyway...I know this because I got home before them, hahaha.

What else is good right now? Lots of things really, mainly weekend orientated, all of which make me forget about the week. An excellent Friday night/Saturday day with X, yum. As such today I am having a non-grumbling day, especially with regards to my knee, my hangover, my tiredness, and my super-busy-panic-ness, all because none of these things apply today :) Also, Spurs won, and Keane scored his 100th goal, good stuff. I found a bag of trousers in my room. It's four weeks to half-term and I've decided not to quit until the summer, mmm, focus. I only have three things on my to-do list and they are all very manageable. Plus I am intending on having a nap in about 3 hours, woo, I love sleeping in the afternoon.

My horoscope is looking promising too...

Over the past months, there’s been talk of exciting ideas or offers, but not much has come of it. Monday’s stunning aspect between Jupiter and Saturn, which is in your sign, not only brings many of these to fruition, but ushers in several unexpected opportunities, too. Ordinarily, you’d evaluate each, then decide which to tackle first. But, with the uncompromising Pluto moving to accent these on Saturday, a lot of those decisions will be made for you. Worrying as this sounds, rarely has anybody been so well positioned to benefit from even unsettling developments, as the events of the coming weeks amply illustrate.

And here's yours, now that I know you care about them...

So, to the gym!

Update 7pm

I'm about to start lesson planning. But I don't really want to. I'm listening to a song with the line in it "If you're hot and you know it," and I am just SO hot, it's disturbing. I am thinking I may have to put shorts and a vest on, full gear is too much. Also disturbing - I couldn't sleep in my nap. I gave myself two hours, and no deep sleep. Rubbbish. On the plus side, I had an awesome session at the gym, where I caned my run even with a dodgy knee, and lifted more than usual. Plus I had a lovely reflection in the sauna, where I wondered how I had lost weight despite not being in the gym for two weeks, and still having "Christmas weight", but then I realised it must be muscle that I have lost, which is also trash. Then I went on an impromptu shopping spree, but managed to kinda control it. Hmm, anyway, putting all this together, along with my slightly nutty behaviour on Friday at school (totally nailed my observation, but was a wee bit hyper in the morning, had to be covered for a lesson, and then went nuts at my Y9 class - they have a whole class detention after school tomorrow because I just couldn't keep them under control, and I kept losing my temper - threw 7 of them out, plus kept making them stand in silence behind their chairs, weird), I am a little worried that maybe I might be getting a bit high. Hmm. But if I notice it, then I can't be, right? Or can I? It's kinda been like this all week, but there are a lot of my "warning signs" in there. Hmmm. Will try not to be worried.

A better day

Surprise surprise I slept last night. But only after I had resolved to hand in my resignation today. Obviously that didn't happen - when my Head of Department came to check on me at about 8am, I completely bottled it, and said all was fine. This was despite having a near hysterical drive into school, where I think I was on auto-pilot since I don't know how I got there, my brain was entirely occupied by thoughts of running away to France. It seemed like the perfect idea at the time.

I feel weird today. Like I can't tell if I'm being normal or not. I know I'm probably not because half the people who spoke to me today (by people I mean teachers) were asking me why I wasn't so jolly, whilst the other half were most likely overwhelmed by my general bounciness. Oh gosh, I just realised that I need to DO SOME WORK. I am being observed tomorrow, and also I have to mark lots of books, rubbish. That said, today was a day to stay for.

Maybe I will have a shower first. Woo, it's almost the weekend!

A day to undo

Oh maaan, I had a complete freak-out in school today. Ok, not complete, but close. I think the only ways it could have been worse is if more kids had seen, more staff had seen, and I'd cried louder and for longer. It wasn't actual wailing as such, more just tears, but public enough, bugger.

I can't take it when people ask me what's wrong, particularly if it's not really any one thing in particular, but rather loads of things all piled altogether.

I think I just had a sh*t day, and then when the maths department started asking me about it, and more and more of them appeared, then I cracked. Usually I am pretty good at the whole keeping it together thing, so I am so f*cked off that I have let this happen.

I wouldn't really put this up here, and maybe I won't post it, but I remember one of the other teachers saying that my problem was that while other people take it out on other people, I take it out on myself. Maybe this is true. Definitely for 99% of people (including my family) I will keep the smile on my face. And for the other 1% they will get the truth sometimes, but really I don't want to bother them, or for them to feel bad, or even for them to judge me for being rubbish or weak.

My problem at the moment I suppose is partly to do with not sleeping, partly to do with not being able to exercise (i.e. run off the stress) and partly to do with me not letting myself go a bit mental or on a bender to ease it all. That's probably the worst thing I could do, since I'd only feel worse the next day. Perhaps better is writing it out like this, then it is at least a bit gone from me. And hopefully not gone from me into you.

What I don't understand is why other teachers say that days are like this, and we have some good days and some bad days and blah blah blah. That is just b*llocks, before I left uni I had mostly good days, and when I had bad days it was mostly because I'd f*cked something up in some way i.e. it was in my control. So why do people put up with this when there are so many bad days, so many tough days full of crap, when we could all be living sunnier, easier, happier lives elsewhere? Where we could at least be more in control over what is going on.

I guess my other problem is that I hate people seeing me like that, it hardly happens, only once before have I cried over school, and that day I remember vividly, because my Y8s last year had pushed me too far, and I stormed out of school and was sobbing down the phone to Bertie, and then just went back in and got on with it. So maybe they are right, maybe crying a bit makes you feel better? But I don't really feel better, I feel like I'm not good enough as a teacher, and that this is all a bit futile, and it's just too hard, I want to give up, and it's only stubborness and a refusal to fail or to let myself feel too sorry for myself that keeps me in it. Not all days are like this, but too many days for it to be ok.

Dang it I am still so cross, and I have two sets of books to mark, and I need to make a plan because otherwise I will feel like I have no control. So step 1, hold it together, step 2, look at the positives. At least only a few kids saw me (albeit the mouthy ones, who will patently tell all their friends, which will make tomorrow difficult). Ahh f*ck I still remember the teachers at my school who I saw cry, and I remember thinking they were wimps. Tomorrow's gonna be tough. I want it to be the weekend now.

And I wish I'd just walked away rather than letting them try and talk to me, cos it never helps. This is why all that therapy stuff is rubbish, it doesn't work, it only makes you feel worse. And now they will all also think that I am nuts and can't cope with this, which is maybe true, at least a bit.

Well, this is turning into quite a rant. I think I will stop now and take some deep calming breaths. Mmm air. And the current tally for 2008 : days to make me stay = 4 days to make me leave = 3. And by the way, the day wasn't all bad, it just got too much towards the end.

Oh but since I think I will post this, please don't worry, and don't ask me if I'm alright, cos it'll break down all my efforts on the "keeping it together" front. I have a meeting at the corporates tomorrow, perfect timing.

And on with the show.

A cross day

I am eating drumsticks. The lollipops, not the chicken, or vegetable, or anything else.

This is because I am cross. And this is because I am tired. The long day is no good for me.

Things that have made me cross:

• Getting to a knee appointment in 25 minutes, but then having to drive for an hour to get back
• My Y10s - why can't they just get on with the work? Why can't they sit in groups? Why are they so bad and rude? Why did I lose the plot with them and tell them I wouldn't teach them ever again? (talk about empty threat, I have to teach them tomorrow)
• Staff meetings - they are full of "vision" and "budgets" and ideas for the future. Surely our priority should be to sort out all the problems we have right now?
• Lunch duty. This was admittedly better than the crazy 20 minute break-time dining hall duty that I have to do tomorrow, but I was only meant to be on for 30 minutes and ended up doing almost 50 minutes, giving me 11 minutes of lunch break, boo.

Generally having too much to do makes me stressed, and I have too much to do. Or rather too much in my head that I have to do, which means that then I will slip up. Control freak deep down. Plus standards really high. Worst thing is bringing the crossness home, that's not fair. Will try not to do that.

Knee is still crunching, hence no gym. Sweets are a poor substitute.

Ok, I am going to bed to wake up nice and uncross. Just writing this makes me feel better.

Did a good deed too - returned a security pass! And my tutor group were ace in tutor time this afternoon, making their profiles and stuff. And I finished Love in the Time and it has a happy ending. And we got free food at the meeting. There, some positives :)

Before I go, check out this article about a crazy school in Boston that uses electric shocks to control behaviour. Sounds nuts, but maybe...

Lots of Stuff

I am in love with the short-stories at www.meandmygoldfish.com. I have only read them, I've not even listened to or watched them yet, but they are amazing. Enough to make me proud to be a Goldfish card owner, albeit in the disguise of a Morgan Stanley Platinum.

I have just been reading the one about the sleep-deprived people. I am liking hyphens today by the way. Entirely sleep deprived. Think I got about two hours, plus woke up in a cold sweat. Not good.

Have had 5 hot drinks today. School was good actually. Despite yawning in the car on the way to school, I was in the zone by 8am and worked through solidly till after 5pm. Literally. Ran some errands and got home by 6pm. Took an hour off to read the papers, play my piano and have some dinner. Then did two hours of marking. And I'm still not properly tired. So essentially I am going to have to trick myself into sleeping because I have the loooongest day ever tomorrow - an 8am knee scan in Romford all the way to the staff meeting/training that will end at 7pm. Then marking. Whoop.

New homework strategy working a treat i.e. set less homework, and stuff they can actually do. Thus far more ticks and far fewer corrections. Did two sets of books today :) Wish I'd thought of the strategy before setting Y10 work, especially since one of the things they had to do was calculate "the shaded area" except my dodgy photocopying meant the shading didn't come through.

Speaking of Y10, we did some group work today, was really good. Room was noisy, but lots was done by most kids. Had one altercation with a girl, but I won, and she will conform, I am not compromising.

And on the line of altercations, crazy H is up to know good, and I am very worried about S. We tried to have a talk at the end of the day, and she just shut down. H, on the other hand, didn't turn up for his detention even though I had his bag hostage. Weirdo. And poor J is getting picked on - there are rumours flying around about her, poor girl, the silly kids don't even understand what they are saying or how offensive it is.

In other news, my favourite word today is JUMBLE, it has a great sound to it, JUMBLE JUMBLE JUMBLE. And also the name Khalil, although it's a Muslim name so not sure it's appropriate for my unborn sons. And on the subject of kids, my Y12s asked me how many I wanted today, and we had a nice chat. They say they can tell I am around 23/24. Smart kids. Not sure whether I should keep revealing personal details to them, where's the boundary?

If Spurs buy Downing we will go down the pan. Hope we beat Reading tomorrow.

Ramble done.

Last thoughts of the day

Almost time for bed :) I am sleepy.

I've moved into my little brother's room because a) the bed is bigger so I can happily starfish b) the room is darker so I can happily oversleep c) the room is quieter so hopefully I won't be woken up by my parents when they get back. Thus now I have a bedroom and study, like my other brother. Yay!

In other news, I found out today that I have to bring in my NQT folder. This will be difficult, given that it doesn't exist. But I'm not gonna stress about it.

And finally, I wonder what the protocol is with regards to adding family members on FB? Cousins and siblings are cool I think, but what about uncles and aunties? I have loads of them on there, but am starting to reconsider whether that's actually a good idea.

Have a good week!

Busy Weekend of Birthdays

I am feeling pretty good. This is despite going back to bed at 11am with a 6/10 hangover. Two days in a row of going back to bed before midday is surely a sign that I'm still a student.

So why do I feel good? Because I did my lesson planning yesterday, excellent! Lesson planning Sundays is a thing of a past, I am going to try and do it on Saturday, or even in the week itself, so that I feel like I have an actual day off. That's how I feel today, and it's good. Don't get me wrong, my To Do list has 16 things on it, but whatever. I have to mark my Y12 essays and make a profile template for my tutor group, so obviously I am messing about online instead.

I am not repeating last night again. I tried (and kinda succeeded) in attending three birthdays, but it was such a stress and drama, all that moving around and rushing and being late and downing drinks, that in future it would probably be better just to put in a proper appearance at one. I feel the worst about the first birthday because I got lost and was almost 45 minutes late, then grabbed some starters and had to run. I think I will call her to make up for a "snatch and grab". The other two were more chilled, in that by that time I had gotten used to being late and stressed, so I just got over it and enjoyed them. Was good to see some school people, some TFers, and most definitely my buddies from university. The third birthday, where I spent the most time, was just awesome, a proper reunion of maybe forty people, was great! I loved chattering to them all, and in fact doing some quite good banter on the one hand, and some serious deep chatter with a few in particular on the other hand.

But then the downside. I had a shocking amount to drink. Luckily mostly it was white wine (a bottle and a half over the night) but also some pear cider, and here's the real killer, about four shots of Jack Daniel's. Hence at 1am when I decided I should head home, I was half-cut and confident that I would make it home, despite having a minimum understanding of where I was and how I was getting there. I lost someone along the way, and then decided to get on a random night bus, which I got off when I realised I was in Leyton, thinking it'd be easy to get home from there. Errr. No. Luckily I have a credit card, so I just hailed a black cab and paid a lot to make it back. So a tiny bit of sense in me. But a kinda waste of money since if I'd been organised (and not so drunk) then my trusty night bus coulda got me back. Worse than the money though, I think I am more cross with my cavalier attitude, which is just dangerous. Being like that and wandering around at night is just silly, I need to be more responsible.

What else? I can't remember if I mentioned the birthday on Friday night, which was lovely and far more sensible. It was another TFer's drinks, which was super funny in that she is the most cynical and critical person I know, thus making me over-the-top optimistic just to wind her up. Met her ex-boyfriend for the first time, and he is a banter-king, with the kind of silly tangential banter that I really like. That said, generally across the weekend I found that it was nice to be able to chatter away to boys without any hidden agenda. One of my friends was complaining about how girls just lead him on when they have no intention of getting anywhere with him, which I'm probably guilty of, but this weekend I'd like to think I didn't do that, even with my ridiculous top!

Here's my horoscope, you can find yours by clicking here and then typing in your star sign into the search box.

Your problem isn’t recognising that you must review arrangements; it is striking a balance between delving into these enough to find out what is likely to work in the future and obsessing about details. Obviously, you’ll want to do what you can to preserve the plans and relationships you’ve worked hard to create. But, between now and the month’s close, changes around you turn some of these into burdens. Your instincts are already telling you which they are. Now you need the courage to unload them.

I have no instincts about these burdens. Except drinking. Hmm.

And finally, a good article about bipolar, and a good article on a sleep exhibition in London. SO going there soon!

SHOUTING!

I was a shouty teacher today. It was great! I usually can't shout, and really by the time it got to lesson four I was quite drained by it all, but on the plus side behaviour was soooo good and I actually got to teach stuff almost all the way through my Y10 lesson - unheard of! Also PSHE with my tutor group was lots of learning, I like it. I could almost get used to it, although clearly I can't be a super shouty person all the time. That said, the more experienced teachers say that if you can get it down at the start, then the kids know where the line is and so will behave accordingly. Plus if you over-use your shouting it becomes ineffective; the kids learn to drown you out. But today, being super strict and nipping things in the bud, along with a few readings of the riot act, really worked a treat.

I have set my first homework of the term. Tomorrow I will set five more classes their homework. Which means next week I will be marking marking marking again, grrr, I hate marking. We have a super long staff meeting + twilight INSET on Tuesday, which will be knackering, and I have a meeting with the corporates on Thursday, so essentially I should go to bed now to catch up on the sleep I will lose. Clearly that won't work though, this weekend is also pretty hectic and I'll have to work Sunday. Boo. Oh well, it was nice to not be sleep deprived for a while.

No comment on Arsenal - Spurs last night, except that at least we didn't lose.

And finally, J from my tutor group has been away at Disneyland over Christmas and today was his first day back in school. He bought me this, bless...

Being a positive teacher

I had a bit of a dodgy night's sleep last night. Lots of hours and everything, but kept getting disrupted, grrr. Thus this morning I was cross and resolved to hand in my resignation first thing. I am prone to dramatic extremes.

Anyway, my crossness rapidly dissolved when I entered my classroom and found my lost blue earring on my table! One of the cleaners had discovered it in another room, which cheered me no end. So I resolved to be positive all day to repay the good karma.

My classes were all really ace - I forget how much fun school sometimes is, and also how much I enjoy it. Obviously soon this feeling will be weighed down by the marking and incident reports and bad behaviour and bureaucracy, but for now it's ok.

The best bits were in Y10, when one of the girls said she really liked maths this year because of me, and when another stayed back after the lesson to show me the extra work she'd done in the holidays. Also in Y9, when I told the kids they only had 15 mins left of the lesson, and they remarked that they had no idea where the time had gone, the lesson had passed by so quickly. I took this as a good sign - when time goes quickly for me it's cos I'm enjoying whatever I'm doing.

Y12 made me laugh too. We're beginning the topic on gender and educational achievement, discussing stereotypes and expectations for different genders. We had a lengthy and comical debate about what we were like as children, and whether it's ok for boys to cry. All five of the girls in my group are "girly girls" so I was surprised to hear that three had been tomboys. Similarly, one of the very laddish and comedy boys told me he'd played with his own Barbies as a kid, setting up families with his dolls and Power Rangers. Funny stuff.

Only my tutor group were tiring today. They just talk too much. My new island table layout doesn't help much since now there are even more people for each child to talk to. However, instead of complaining, I have decided to create an inter-table competition for the class, so that good behaviour is rewarded on an individual and table by table basis. I've made a lovely poster and hopefully the kids will respond to the league table style set-up, and behave better. On the poster making note, I also made a "star table" poster to put up in the window next to my "students of the week" poster. The idea here is that each week the best table out of all of my classes will be photographed and put up in the window for all to see. Obviously by best table I mean the best working kids on a table, not the table itself, that would be rubbish, they are all boring and identical.

I have 25 pages of Love in the Time of Cholera to read (it is getting seriously good, and sad, they are all old and about to finally accept their love) but realised today that my copy of The Reluctant Fundamentalist is due back this weekend, so may try and blitz that in the next 3 nights instead. Tactical.

Messages and Day 1

29 school days to half-term. I'm not counting down, that's just a statement of fact.

Today went remarkably well, I think perhaps because I maintained a smile on my face. And also because I have a co-tutor for my crazy ones at the moment, which means between us we can just about keep on top of them. Just.

Some good things:

• The kids were actually really well behaved and glad to be back
• My new classroom looks ace
• I managed to plan most of my lessons in a blitz at home after school
  
• I don't have a class of 30 year 7s after all, only 28, so I'm only missing two of them
• This means that I can have seven tables of four and get rid of the extra table that made the table of six (you probably won't care about that, but layout is important to me)
• I got an excellent amount of sleep last night and am determined to repeat the feat tonight
• I feel neither low nor high, just normal, woo!
  

Some things that could have been better:

• During the fire drill three of my kids started squawking and poking each other, right in front of the senior teachers, which made me look like a muppet
• Some kids (not mine, some others) have already graffitied parts of the toilet and outer wall (losers)
• I have been given a lunch duty and an extra break duty (the lunch one particularly annoys me since its only people on the Academy contracts that have to do this, not the old school staff, plus having a 30 minute break only is nowhere near enough, given that most of my lunches only last 15 mins as it is, what will all the usual school-chaos)
• I also have an extra slot with my lower group 7s, which I don't understand, since I didn't last term. This bumps up my teaching load to too much.
  

Anyway, enough grumbling, on to the messages. I received four really contrasting emails today. One was from a friend in Kenya, who talked seriously and vividly about the problems he's been experiencing over there since the elections. Scary stuff. There are similar problems in Sri Lanka, which I read about in a petition sent from my uncle. I can't believe the minor things I stress about when there are real people in the world living hand to mouth with no sense of stability or security. Be more grateful was a resolution, and I am.

The third was from a FB group dedicated to the recent passing of a Keble PPE finalist. He died at only 21 on the college ski trip, and his memorial was today. Poor boy, so young; it makes me think I should do better things more quickly, because you never know. On a lighter note, the last was from a TF friend inviting me to her birthday drinks, which was written with such eccentric and quintessentially British humour that I'm still laughing, and entirely jealous of her way with words.

No TV today, I am determined to finish my book since it's due back at the library tomorrow. And given that I can't go to the gym yet due to creaky-knee, well, there's no excuse.

The night before school

School starts tomorrow, yikes! Planned no lessons but that's ok, will do it tomorrow night. Really. Managed to make my seating plans, except have forgotten lots of kids in my Y7 group, so the plan is a bit sparse. Oh well.

Broke my drinking and meat resolutions, yikes again, but I don't think I have the heart to stick with them. It's hard to keep a resolution when you can't commit to it.

Had THE BEST NIGHT at a birthday in Fulham last night, not just because of the birthday but because of a lovely dinner at The Blue Elephant Royal with X, and the subsequent night and day afterwards. Aaaah smiles. The drama there is done (mostly!) and so things are looking good (see Dina, I am done with the stress!) Perhaps this is why I am putting zero into my school work - living in my fantasy world is far more entertaining!

Good luck for this term.

Smiley versus Panic

My gosh, there's SO much to do for school next week, picnic panic!

More than things to do are the things to know. I don't know where anything is, or what any of the rules or routines are. Plus I have to spend 3 hours with my tutor group on Monday teaching them all this new stuff that I don't know. Aaargh!

I haven't planned any lessons or made any seating plans yet. I am not yet in teacher mode. Hmm, I really should put my head on properly.

Yesterday I failed at my drinking resolution, but it was so worth it. I've decided to adapt it so that I only drink on Fridays and Saturdays, and not in a crazy extreme way, excellent. We had an old school reunion, was so much fun, everyone was totally grown-up and stuff, ace. It was great to see what people were up to and reminisce about funny times at school. I'd forgotten a lot of the silly things we'd got up to, particularly the boys, and also all the gossip and scandal. I think the best thing about old friends is that it's really easy to get straight back into the banter, and also the intimacy. I had a real deep and meaningful on the way home with an old flame, and on one level it was like we were still 18, and on the other hand it was cool to be where we are now.

What else? Today I have decided to be a smiley smiley person. Actually, not decided, it's just happening. As a result, lots of people are smiling back at me and giving me lots of banter and generally making me feel good. Aaah, back to the good days, it's almost as if it's not worth worrying about school at all.

The Wrong Side of the Bed

A valuable lesson learned today. If I get up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, the correct course of action is to get immediately back in and try again, else the day will be a write-off.

I only pursued this correct course of action at 4pm, when I got back home from school after much trauma, and lo and behold now I feel better. But a lesson learned the hard way.

Actually, I didn't sleep last night, that is probably more the cause of my traumas. I guess it was to be expected - I was having far too good a day on Wednesday that there was no way Thursday could keep up. The problem when I get really happy is that comedown is inevitable, and along with it arrives all kinds of paranoia, weird thoughts, and generally ridiculous actions. For example, I am running redlights, which is something I only do when feeling reckless. Luckily that was ok, but I hit problems when we made a giant skipping rope in the corridor at school and I tried to jump in without looking at the rope (surely the other members of the maths department should have stopped me?!). Inevitably I f-ed up my knee, and am now back to being Limping Lucy. Rubbish. This meant that I didn't do anything properly at school today, preferring instead to cause drama.

That was the most minor of traumas. I upset three people today - two on a small level, one on a real level. I don't know why I have to be honest about what I think and feel. Life was much better and easier when I just kept things to myself and didn't let other people affect me. It turns out being honest about things isn't always the best way forward, particularly when you end up looking like a fruitloop and people get upset with what you say. Further, knowledge is clearly power, so I should try and keep some of this power for myself. As a result, I am now making an effort to be quiet.

A few good things though. I packed up the Christmas decorations early, so at least I have done one thing today; I don't have that Norovirus thing, although am convinced I'll get it since some of the kids will have had it, plus my mother's a doctor so surely it'll somehow sneak in here; I am ignoring school work; I can still walk despite my knee :)

So yes, the RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED tomorrow. It has been decided.

A good first day back

I am feeling pretty damn good today. Thus I shall write in purple.

My good feeling is despite a crazy night's sleep....or should I say tossing and turning in sweat-soaked sheets as a result of numerous vivid dreams/nightmares (so no, not tossing and turning in a good way). Resolution #1 is suffering a bit.

I left for school with 11 minutes to spare, and managed to complete the 12 minute journey in just 10, thus arriving at 8:29am. This was a good start, even when I found out that apparently I didn't have to be in until 9, whoopsie. My classroom was leaking, but it didn't matter, I decided to focus on the positives and get on with it. We did lots and lots of unpacking, with the music on loud and lots of silly chatter. I was dreading going back to school, and obviously there will be some tough times, but today was really good. I think it was mainly because it wasn't too challenging, and also because our staff are so solid and such great people to be around that it makes it easy.

What else? Well, I was trying to explain to a colleague about how my situation was similar to Berbatov's when she asked me why I hadn't done any preparation for this term. She doesn't know football though, so it was a useless analogy, but honestly I feel like that, in that it's difficult to throw yourself 100% into something and be entirely committed when you're not sure you'll be there next season, and when you know other "clubs" (aka employers) are after you anyway. Still, I shall try.

Other resolutions are going well, particularly living in the world of the imaginary. Managed to run 5.5km purely on the power of fantasy. Excellent. Am also adding resolution #7: try and do some small something good for someone each day. Build up the good karma.

On the Peter Pan front I realised part of my confusion stems from the fact that most of my knowledge is pinned on Hook, which I have since learned is a sequel to Peter Pan rather than an interpretation of the actual story. However, given that I understand Hook, I have faith I shall understand Peter Pan eventually too.

I am not doing any of the work I am meant to do. Instead I'm going to watch Bruce Almighty and contemplate the selling of Berbatov. I'd be sad to see him go, but it'd be worth it if we could buy a defence with the money.

Ooh and finally, I heard a great word today - globesity! It's the topical term coined by the WHO to describe the global obesity epidemic. I love it when you put two words together to make a new one. I also love it that obesity is now considered an epidemic, implying being greedy and lazy is contagious.

New Year's Resolutions

Today I am in my New Year's daze. This is a part reflective, part reactive, part proactive daze. In accordance, my New Year's resolutions:

1. Sleep more
2. Try and do the right thing more (with the intention that this will lead to less drama)
3. Appreciate what I have/find the positives
4. Stay drink-free for January (and not go on a resulting BENDER for the rest of the year)
5. Be meat-free in January (this may lapse to red meat-free only)

These are poor resolutions compared to last year since they're not entirely SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-constrained) but anyway. I need to work on them, so in 2008 I shall try. Besides, I didn't formally achieve last year's either, so I'm not going to compare them.

When I asked my mother what she'd be resolving, she said she didn't need to make resolutions because everything she did was alright already. That's what I'm aiming for. Ultimately.

What else? Today I indulged in a bit of Strauss with my father. Being an insomniac meant we could watch the whole Vienna New Year's Day concert, which was just lovely. One day I'd love to get there live. There was a special piece written for Euro 2008, which I'd completely forgotten about. Clearly this will be a good year because there's football in the summer. I also got a bit more involved in my current mini-obsession - Peter Pan and all things related. Basically I don't understand this story (this Disney version AND the written version; the former because I've never watched it properly, the latter because I've not read it at all) but I want to. Anyway, we watched Finding Neverland late this afternoon and it was entirely gripping. I'm not sure it was a real story, but it was beautiful, and Johnny Depp was excellent, as was the little boy who played Peter. I am still sad for Peter as a character in this, but at least in the end he was able to imagine.

Maybe that should be resolution 6...spend more time in the imaginary.

We're going to the temple now, I'm not sure whether I should call that a good start to resolution 6 or not...still, being there brings me peace, which is always good.

Good luck with your resolutions.