A whole day of school

I have just eaten too much of too many things. Mixing food, like drink, makes me hyper and then nauseous. Bleurgh.

All my family have been at a wedding all day, without me. Sigh. Thus I managed to teach a whole day of school instead, yay! Well, not teach as such, since lesson 5 was spent accompanying Year 8 on a visit to the new building. It's amazing, it's so big and exciting and like a proper school and everything! I can't wait to get in there, except the thought of packing everything up and actually moving is daunting and frankly I don't want to do it. The rest of the maths department seem to have already started packing up, but I am clearly in denial and just ignoring it in the hope it goes away. Yes girls, very similar to the dilemma we were discussing last night, I am a coward in every way. Ya!

Speaking of last night, I realise it is an error to drink before Wednesday because then the week just feels soooo long because when you wake up in the morning and think it's Friday, really it is still barely midweek, rubbbbbbish. That said, it was very nice to catch-up and discuss risotto based plans. My favourite quotes come from P: "I bought this jumper in 5 colours"; "why don't you just live a normal life? no wonder you keep having breakdowns"; "I guessed chest but really it was rectum". Nice.

The kids were pretty good today, mainly because I refused to have "fun" lessons until the last lesson of term and kept being really strict, great. Tomorrow and Friday will be tougher since they will all be very excitable, but maybe I'll just join in with the fun? Have got lots of nice cards wishing me well and a happy Christmas, they are mostly good kids you know, just a bit nuts now and then.

Woohoo two days to go!

Feeling Good

I am about to go and practice my piano. For some reason I decided it was more important to blog first. This is despite our hilarious lesson on Sunday night where I quite openly talked to my hands. Jade was shocked. I have since clocked that it is never ok to talk to your hands or explain how sometimes they are independent of my control.

I am feeling very chilled and mellow. I like it. Perhaps this is my normal stage? I can't remember really. David Gray is playing in the background. Not literally, though that would be awesome. It's just the CD, but I love him.

Last night I got more than seven hours sleep for the first time in ages. Long overdue and absolutely splendid. I woke 4 minutes before my alarm, just like I used to be able to do, and only spent 10 mins contemplating when I could next get into my perfect bed (whilst brushing my teeth) but after that I was zooming and ready to go. I had a good day despite not being able to fully "project" (my voice). This is probably because I have removed all the parts of my job that are really tedious i.e planning, assessment and reporting, leaving me with just class-room teaching, excellent. Obviously this isn't a long term solution, but I like it for now.

Seriously, half-days are perfect for me, coming home for lunch and having a nap then hitting the gym and giving me my evenings free is just awesome. Earlier I contemplated becoming a part-time receptionist for some doctor or something. Clearly a bit pointless with the uni degree and all, but maybe the simple life is what I should be aiming for?

Something else I contemplated today was whether I could drink a pint of tea. I am still undecided on this.

Went to boxercise for the first time in ages today, didn't really fancy running or weights. Was great, my body is properly aching, in that nice way. I get such a kick from exercise, it's bizarre. Today was extra good because the bionic Chinese lady was there. She's like 40 and tiny and the only person I know who will regularly out-work the instructor. The 50 year old blond gym bunny woman was also there. I like it when they are there because then I have some competition. Pushed myself hard, and during the warm down the chap was playing some Motown track with the refrain "it hurts everywhere", which was so true. Strangely he played a lot of samba during the session, not sure why.

We're going to the Cuckfield tomorrow, yay, Fruli! Can't wait to see you girlies!

Sober Rambles

It's Sunday. Back in the day I think I used to lesson plan on Sundays. I have given this up. One week of school to go, and the kids will be demanding "fun lessons" left, right and centre. Plus Friday probably won't be a proper day of lessons, and then when you take away four afternoon lessons and one PSHE games lesson, well, I'm left with nine lessons to plan. Hardly seems worth spending Sunday doing.

I do, however, have to complete my Learning Log. Again. Boo.

So I am tired. I went to bed very late, about 7 hours ago, after J from TF's birthday shenanigans. Crucially, I am not that hungover. Either that or I am so used to my Friday night hangover that it just seems normal. Anyway, we went to the Covent Garden Comedy Club and saw some excellent stand-up. It was held at Heaven, which is pretty fun club anyway, and a really intimate stand-up venue. I was properly laughing my head off for most of it. I haven't been to much stand-up since my gap year, when I was quite into it, but it's definitely something else that is going back on the list. I think I liked it so much because I find everything funny - whether it's offensive, complaining, self-deprecating, fantastical, autobiographical, whatever, it's all funny to me. Obviously, those of you that know me know I think I'm hilarious, but these people are on another level. That said, if I had all day every day to read the paper and contemplate my life, well, I'm sure I could think of a few gags.

The tickets included entry into Motion, which is just on the riverbank near Embankment. Good fun there too. Enough said. When I combine the chatter of last night with a college friend's Christmas party on Friday night, it's pretty obvious why I've practically lost my voice. It's at that sore/husky stage, where it could go either way. School will patently push it into non-existence. Anyway, the party on Friday was my first Christmas party of the season and it was really good, mainly because it was full of people I knew from college and from Oxford and from my gap year, so it was great to catch-up. The mulled wine went down a treat, even when it became purely hot red wine, and it was just nice to see how far everyone had come and catch-up with those people I've just not seen for ages.

To keep up the busy-ness of the weekend I had lunch and went to the Natural History Museum yesterday with someone I shall just call X because I know what you are all like with gossip. The only downer was seeing my mangy fox daemon on display - a truly verminous specimen. Apart from that, I am having fun there. It's kinda weird how I feel, but I like it.

I am pleased with the reintroduction of many non-drinking activities to my life. And also the way that I have swapped school for an actual life. Good times.

Ending on a dramatic note though, here's my Sunday Times horoscope for this week. Am already nervous about Tuesday...

Because you think things through carefully when you first hear about them, you’re rarely caught off-guard. But when events involve a form of transformation, as is the case with those triggered by Tuesday’s encounter between Jupiter and Pluto, there's little chance you could anticipate the sequence and impact of events. That being the case, forget about analysing everything and live one day, or even one hour, at a time. Because changes involve matters close to home, there could be dramas. But, with Jupiter showing its more benevolent face next week, you’ll soon be smiling again.

I hope so.

Busy and Yay it's the weekend!

Wow. Busy. And rather sleep-deprived. Currently getting more sleep during the old afternoon nap than actually at night. Oh dear.

School is good. Kids are being good. Well, at least they're responding to my authority for the most part. Lots of form related drama from the usual suspects, but now that I have a co-tutor supporting me things are loads better.

Been out a fair bit. Won a Scrabble game on Weds with a bingo after trailing for most of it. That's just how I like to win. Woke up with a minor whisky hangover, then remembered the various mini-dramas of the night including digging a hole for myself with a the potential future employer, and also the consequences of my various delayed-spontaneous moments (is that an oxymoron?). In fact had rather vivid nightmares that night, which only really feeds the drama rather than stops it. I would detail the nightmares here, but I think you'd probably flip out.

Solution was obviously to race myself through school and then check out The Golden Compass, which was really good, although you'd have to be really on-the-ball to understand what was going on if you hadn't read the book. Written version infinitely better, but the film was well made and lots of really good acting, particularly from the children. Occasional moments of over-the-top cheesiness, but loved all the action, and now want a daemon more than ever. And an armoured bear. Also went to a place called Satsuma, worth it just for the name, tasty food, it's now on the list.

What else? One week of school to go. Going to a Christmas party tonight, gonna do my best not to be hungover tomorrow, fingers crossed!

Good Teaching Stuff

Another good day today. I am liking this.

Most people are looking fairly exhausted by now. Eight days of teaching left, then the extra 5 days of INSET and closure to move to the new building. We're all counting them, but given that I've had 4 weeks off, I'm feeling fairly fresh.

Did a lot of running around after my form today. There was some drama about books being thrown out of the windows in my absence. E was having an off-day and getting kicked out/storming out of lessons. We made a bargain and shook hands saying we'd both do our best to get through the day. Crazy H is back from Pakistan and looking more care-worn than ever. I want to hug him and feed him and nurture him and make him alright, he's like a little stray dog to me. We chatted about minor things; it's difficult to talk with him properly, but I hope he understands that we all want him to have a fresh start.

Saw my Y12s for the first time today, was very funny, got into a huge debate about sex and religious education in school. A good number were very much supporters of the whole "if you come to this country you should accept British values" which is hilarious since they're from all over the place and not exactly your typical right-wing types, heehee. Had my Y9s after lunch, although not teaching them, just sorting them out a bit. Was dead sweet, they all cheered when I was back and said how much they had missed me etc. so was actually quite devastated to have to then turn around and leave them with a supply teacher and tell them I wouldn't be with them properly until after half-term. Oh well.

Finally, went to a TF event on "Managing Your School Career", which is ironic since I figured I was leaving, but now that I'm back I've got some perspective again and I realise how much I do love it, especially the kids and the staff at my school. There's no other place you could go to where if you were off sick literally hundreds of people would be asking how you were and checking up on you in the corridors (even the naughty kids do it, it's great!). It's such a community, despite all the problems, and I can't think of being needed or doing as much good in the same way as I feel I am at school.

Gosh, with all this drama I get concerned any time I have a strong feeling of any type. I am paranoid I am subtly getting manic without noticing. It's no good all of this thinking. I am confused.

Anyway, words of the day today:

capricious - changeable (I'm sure I've looked this up before...)
complaisant - showing a cheerful willingness to do favours for others
ossuary - a building below ground level
diaphanous - semitransparent
parsimonious - excessively unwilling to spend
perfidious - tending to betray (punic is a synonym, what a great word!)
itinerant - traveling from place to place for work

First Day Back at School

First day back at school today, after the extended hiatus. Pretty good actually, was very cool to be back. Only one truly awful moment where I contemplated running away home, but the rest was ok. I'm doing half-days for the rest of this term and have been relieved of the majority of my tutor responsibilities so that I can ease myself back. Had a return to work meeting where I had to explain what had been wrong with me. Was rather cagey, despite my HoD being there too and him already knowing a bit about it all, but anyway. Am thinking perhaps tomorrow I will come clean a bit more so that in case I lose the plot again they can be prepared.

My Y7s were convinced I'd fainted last week and that was why I'd had to go home. My Y8s were angels and just so glad to learn some maths again. Y10s were a handful - they are so love/hate with me. One sticky moment when I kicked out J after she threw a strop. Was going to turn into a slanging match, but she left. Found out later in the day that during my absence she'd been excluded for breaking another girl in my maths group's nose by punching her in the face. So bad were her injuries that she's had to have reconstructive surgery. Scary. Also got into a battle with L who was passing his mobile phone to the girl behind him and then kicked off when I tried to confiscate it. But mostly the day was ok.

Am having crazy dreams for the two hours I'm getting most nights. Really should bother to keep that mood/sleep diary. Hmmm. Still, I'm glad to be back in the game.

Finally a quote that I saw on someone's Facebook today....

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. - Winston Churchill

I like that.

K's first birthday party

In keeping with the weekend's trend of kids' birthday parties, last night we attended K's 1st birthday party. K is currently the sole grandchild of my mother's former GP partner. He is also the lucky son of two doctors and four grandparent doctors. Crazy stuff.

As such, this was a 1st birthday party with a difference. True there were cakes and balloons. However, the scale was really rather big. For a start, it was held in The Conservatory of the Millennium Hotel in Kensington. A beautiful top floor glass pyramid type structure with huge up-lit palm trees, it was an awesome venue.


There were 20 tables each seating 12, all delightfully decked out. Rather than just a table number, the seating was designated according to the helium cartoon character balloon on your table - so I was seated at Bob the Builder's table, heehee. There were two 8 foot clowns made of balloons and a massive balloon arch spelling out K's name at the front of the room. The DJ had a sick system, and there was a raised platform in the middle where the magician/clown and the crazy jugglers performed (everything from face painting to juggling knives over people laying on the ground!) The cake was three tiered, huge and tasty, with massive single candle for K to blow out, and then loads of candles all around for the other kids. The AV crew were everywhere, there was a free bar, Ragamama's catering (yum yum) and party bags! An all out extravagant bash; my father even remarked that perhaps they had too much money...


Apart from the fun-ness of it all, as with D's wedding I really appreciated the attention to detail. The invitation itself was a personalised card with K's smiling face on the front, so cute. And on each place setting was a chocolate bar saying "K is 1, happy birthday" on one side, and "thank you for coming to my party, hope you had a great time, love K" on the back. The place cards were hand-caligraphed and the party bags were fun boxes too (I don't really know how I got one, but anyway...) Here are some of the exciting random things in my bag...


Essentially then, a very good time, and another raising of the bar for the most lavish party to be held, let alone for a one-year-old who went to bed before dinner!

Belated Sunday Noon Rambles

This is my horoscope for this week, courtesy of the Sunday Times:

This week’s events pit your fundamental practicality against the more canny side of your nature that has a knack of observing developments and making remarkably accurate predictions. The practical side insists that you need to consolidate arrangements involving personal, domestic and relationship issues. But your intuition says that because the sweeping changes you’re observing would rearrange various elements of your life anyway, it’s not worth bothering until the dust has settled. What you can do is tidy up mundane obligations so that, when the changes you’re anticipating begin early next week, you’re ready for them.

Good, I like mundane obligations, they sound decidedly drama-free. But I do have a pressing To-Do list that is gnawing at me, despite my attempts at ignoring it. Perhaps it's more of a Maybe-Do list?

Last night I was at my uncle's daughter's birthday party, a 5th birthday party I might add, so it was hilarious. Proper old-school - party bags and hats, musical chairs and statues, party poppers etc. For the kids AND for the grown-ups. I did the night entirely sober, and it was good fun, but for some reason I woke up this morning with what feels like a hangover. This is strange. I'm sure I didn't drink.

I also managed to pop my shoulder out while turning over in bed last night, that wasn't fun at all. There's an unpleasant ache in my arm now, and if I allow myself to think about it, I can just about remember the excruciating pain of a distended shoulder. Ouch. Dang my loose ligaments.

So due to my fatigue I have bailed on lunch, but am due at a fancy pants 1st birthday party in about 2 hours. Good-oh. What is the deal with all these kiddy parties? Have I regressed somewhere along the way? I think I may need to drink through this one...

The Amy Winehouse Stand-Ins

I read this article on The Times Online about who we could listen to while Amy has some time off. Since I have lots of time to check this stuff out, I played through the suggested stand-ins. Some were good, some were great.

In particular, when you have a spare minute, check out:

Adele - when you're feeling soulful (actually sounds a bit like Amy + sick piano and bass)
Ebony Bones - when you're feeling funky (her stuff is ridiculous, very similar to MIA)
Tawiah - when you're feeling deeeep London hood-soul (pretty raw here, it's nice)
Bridgette Amofah - when you wanna hear Jij (I swear this is Jij's alias, just an octave lower! And also her tagline is "Bit 'o' drama" excellent)

I love listening to songs with words that mean things.

Speaking of words, some that I have looked up recently...

erudite - knowledgeable
repudiate - deny
complicite - knowing about something that you should stop but fail to thus becoming part of it
pathos - a style or quality that invokes feelings (particularly sorrow or pity)
intransigent - stubborn
ephemeral - short-lived

These are from Love in the Time of Cholera, which I am already loving, despite only being on chapter 2. I also like the name Gabriel, I am adding it to the list.

The saga continues

So despite hoping I would make it in to school this week, I am in fact now signed-off sick again. Not entirely sure where the good intentions have gone - perhaps to the same place where my sleep is as that's disappeared too. There are now only two teaching weeks left of this half-term, I can't believe it, how behind are all my kids gonna be?

I'm getting a bit fed up of all this, I just want to zoom through until I am back to normal again. Bleeeurrrrgh. It's really weird too, in that I am quite restless and bored with all this "resting" but then on the other hand I can't really get myself to properly do anything.

Once again, has anyone seen my lost plot? I miss it.

Drama catch-up

So what's new? Well, things have been pretty dramatastic. Went up to Oxford on Saturday for a mini-reunion, was awesome fun. Forgot about how Christmas in Oxford happens in November, and also about how easy it is to sit around and shoot the breeze, with a few cheeky drinks along the way of course. Saw lots of lovely Furies, including some I haven't seen for aaaages, and also an old friend of mine from school, so that was ace. Obviously things went a bit drama-shaped late on in the night, but that's standard form really nowadays, it woulda been a shocker if nothing had happened.

Sunday was Anusha acca's wedding. Another huge and complicated affair, with lots of mad dashing around and helping (or not helping as the case turned out to be - not that I shirked my responsibilities too much, heehee). The wedding itself was lovely, Anusha looked beautiful and the best man was hilarious. The reception in the evening was awesome too, I think partly because almost everyone was in a party-mood. The free bar was ridiculous, as was the huge amounts of food, yum yum. The speeches were funny and there was even a belly dancer for entertainment! Anyway, to cut a long story short, my cousins and I got on a mission and were pretty wrecked. Woke up drunk yesterday morning, then was rather ill for most of the day, with an awful awful hangover. Might have something to do with mixing six different types of drink through the night, or maybe to do with the 7 hours worth of "session", whoops. In any case, was in no state for school, so bailed again. However...

....today I made my dramatic reappearance. This was despite some major nightmares last night all about school, one of which involved another teacher completely taking over my life so no-one remembered who I was! Was actually very nervous, but it wasn't that bad at all, mainly because as soon as I walked into school I was mobbed by kids asking me where I'd been, and how I was, and how glad they were to have me back. And then all the staff were just as nice, checking up on me and hugs and stuff, awww, it was so sweet. Despite the craziness of my school, there are loads of really good people there, who take care of each other and stuff, it's a good thing. Anyway, my classroom was a tip cos supply teachers had let the kids run riot, and also I had SO much paperwork to sort out. Managed to teach lesson 1, that was ok, then had lesson 2 off, so I went to hand in all my sick notes to the office. Surprise surprise, it turns out I'm still signed off sick, so they sent me home! Hahaha, so lasted three hours, and then had to come back! Except my car was blocked in, so I had to take the bus, but then I didn't have enough money for the bus, or my Oyster card, so I had to walk all the way to the bank and then come back, more drama.

On the plus side, despite a pretty crazy weekend and day today too, I feel pretty ok. Had a nice chatter with Bertie too :) That said, even being in school for a bit was a shock to the system, and now I have to have some meetings to sort out what's going to happen with me in school etc. Drama. And also I have 114 progress reports to write, and because the system is cocked up, there are kids reports that are down on my list when I don't even teach them! That's gonna take ages to sort out, but the deadline was last Friday, oh dear. All this is scary, so maybe I'll have to hide a bit longer and try and catch up on my sleep deprivation (9 hours in total over the last three nights, not good for school).

The Golden Compass Movie Website

I have been playing around on The Golden Compass website. I am very excited about this film, mainly because I really like the story, despite it being set in a cold place, and also because if you judge it on the trailer, it's looking promising.

The best part of the website (apart from the fact that it comes in like 25 languages) is the bit where you can find your own daemon. In the stories, a person's daemon is this actual physical animal that sort of represents their soul and can talk with them and stuff. So on the website you have to answer 20 questions and it decides what your daemon is. I tried to answer the questions as honestly as possible, but they were some questions where I could probably answer different things on different days. Anyway, so today, here's my result:

"Your profile reveals that you are relaxed, modest, sociable, inquisitive, and fickle. You are therefore matched with the Fox Daemon. Your Daemon Elleron is one of 27145 fox Daemons within the total Daemon population of 428852".

That's about 6% of Daemons. I like the name Elleron. So what about you?

The other thing I did was play around on the alethiometer on there. Obviously I asked my question of the day: am I really crazy? The three pictures that I was drawn to were the owl, the lightning bolt, and the angel. It turns out that the owl could mean winter, night, or fear; the lightning bolt could mean; inspiration, anger, or fate; and the angel could mean disobedience, messenger, or hierarchy. Then the blue arrow moved to the pair of compasses, which stands for measurement, mathematics, or science. Excellent, so I think this means I will have to do the assessments to find out. Lyra eat your heart out. Not that I'm actually using it to make decisions or anything...

Wow, so much fun on one website, heehee.

And finally, I love love love the song and video of Tom Baxter's Better. You can see it here...I'm confused as to what tube station they're filming at, but anyway, it's just lovely.

Some random stuff

I am feeling pretty psyched. I don't really know why. Hopefully it's nothing to do with the fact that I may well spectacularly write-off this weekend. I should at least try and pretend it's going to be calm. But really, it's the last wedding weekend of the month, and my cousin is getting married, and we have a three hour gap between the wedding and the reception in which to cause mayhem. In saris.

I pondered a "prime number" theme to my life, in that I would only contemplate dabbling in trouble on prime number days in month, similar to what I do with the Tuesday and Friday veggie thing. But I'm not sure I can stick to it. Plus, really, if I was going to do it, patently the prime number days would be the sensible days, giving me twice as many days to cause trouble in.

We watched this tonight. My mother was obviously enthralled. I admit, it was nice it kinda worked out for the people on it, but I'm still staying well clear.

And finally, I love Open Your Window by Reverend and the Makers, please check it out, and it's a great video too!

In a mess

I am wondering something.

I am wondering how on earth have I got myself into this mess? And more so, why do I insist on continuing to dig that hole?

Somehow I have accepted a job from my old company in September. I don't know how this happened. Where have my principles all gone? What about going back to university? What about my soul? And more importantly, my typing fingers?

I think it is also probably a bad thing that I have given more hours to MyBnk this week than to my actual job. Some people might get cross with that, although I could argue it is important for my mind to be occupied, but not overloaded (like it would be at school).

Clearly I should not be allowed to make decisions.

In other news, I had another blood test today, that was fun. I am also being referred to yet another Giraffe person, which doesn't really fit in with my new plan to ignore all problems. Hmm.

First I think I need to work on my drama addiction. Aaaaargh, how have I got into this mess??? An unnecessarily dramatic last sentence...but clearly the first step is acknowledging the problem.

More drama

Oh b*gger. I just read my little profile ramble and it talks about "disasters in and out of the classroom". I can't remember the last time I had a disaster in the classroom, mainly because I have been out of it for so long. Well, it feels loooong.

Given the absence of education-type matters, let's switch to my other favourite topic - my crazy. Before yesterday I hadn't told my folks about it because I'd imagined it'd be similar to telling them that I had some kinda STD or some other awful, shameful thing. Anyway finally built up the bottle, and it was worth it for the relief and also their hilarious responses.

My father's went from "I've never heard of that but I'm sure you don't have it" to "you should quit your job, no-one ever asked to you help poor kids" to "how can there be anything wrong with you? We know everything about you and if there's something wrong then we can fix it. But there's nothing wrong with you". Very interesting and useful. I mean that loosely. My mother was more practical going from "we need to get another blood test" to "you should quit your job" (aaah, that old favourite) to "let me call one of my friends at the Cromwell, they can sort this out. Although you know that since the 15th of Nov the planets are not in a good place for you". Whoever said science and religion were separate forces must be wrong.

So yes, that is the latest in that little drama. Oh and of course school and various other people are getting involved too. I think I may have to hide under my duvet.

A hard day's work

I'm knackered. I've done more than seven hours of actual work on my computer today, wow. Classic FM has been keeping me entertained all the way through :) It's nice to know I can work after all.

Did a lot on the MyBnk project, am very into that. Also did some stuff on the old Log. Haven't done any lesson plans, but I am going to school tomorrow! I am determined, there's only 20 teaching days left, let's just take it day by day.

What else? Had a family party last night, stayed entirely sober, but was still somehow hysterical. My brother regularly says I have lost the plot. It's true. Spectacularly managed to put my foot in something really awful, metaphorically I mean, just let a cat out of a bag, a cat that may or may not even be really a cat since I have only heard things loosely and most likely mixed them up a bit. Anyway, fingers crossed that cat gets back in the bag and family disasters are averted.

Am missing S's actual birthday dinner tonight, after missing her party last weekend. We have a family dinner thing tonight with family from Australia (a long way to commute for dinner, but my Mum's a good cook). Need to get back on form.

Why am I still typing? I have RSI. This reminds me why I couldn't actually work in the City, my wrists and fingers hurt too much.

Wish me luck, sooooo much potential for chaos tomorrow!

Cold and Itchy

I choose this picture because I am currently cold. And itchy. This basket of knitted stuff doesn't look too itchy, but I have memories of itchy woollen things. I understand the cold - something is wrong with the heating I think (luckily my room is warm, yay!) but I don't understand the itchy. It's pretty bad actually, I have all those weird marks on my face that appear when I scratch. I look like I've been in battle with a mad cat. A battle I lost. If I am still itching after my afternoon of work, I will start to research this disease I read about in The Metro, the font of all knowledge.

What else? Well I have been wishing that apple jam and pear jam existed in the UK. And more banana yogurts, yum yum. I also wish that people who make yogurt pots would get rid of all the unnecessary corners and edges that just serve to trap yogurt. I think the best pot design so far is the Muller one, minimum space to waste yogurt in, plus what a generous helping!

In other news, I had lots of crazy nightmares last night, some loosely connected to a programme about the really really awful and scary genocide in Congo and Rwanda, some do to with "all my crops failing" (hmmm, what crops?!) and the last one to do with a Disney trip to a theme park where we all went on a rollercoaster (a real one, not a psycho-babble one) and drank a bottle of some mystery clear alcohol as we went round. When we got off everyone said they hated it, but I loved it, and actually thought it was a bit tame and we could do better, but everyone else wanted to go home.

We have a party to go to tonight, how exciting, but first I must finish my "editing and improving". If you are still looking for things to read, check out SB's blog, some good stuff on there.

PS I have changed my posting identity, mainly to do with paranoia that I will be identified on here. Explanations on my new identity at some point.

Rollercoaster Ramblings

I am a little concerned. Despite being half in denial and half wary of my own diagnostic abilities, I still think I may be in a queue for a rollercoaster. Yes, this is another new term I have decided to add to my own psycho-babble lingo, even whilst not yet being formally diagnosed. Wonderful.

So what do I mean? Well, I have noticed that since seeing another Giraffe on Wednesday, I feel quite a bit better i.e. not zombie at all and far less wimpy (although I am still only listening to classical music). Back in the gym, back playing the piano, back wanting to do things, all that good stuff. However, Giraffe said this good stuff needs to be slowly eased back in and that I need to keep an eye on what I'm doing. So I am, and I can see there could be trouble.

Oh wow, I just got why there are so many Blamange blogs out there, it's all that mood diary stuff and because I figure most people won't actually say this stuff to people.

So indicators of rollercoasters...I am now struggling to sleep, both in the afternoon and at night. My brain is busy planning things and thinking things. Oh I have a great new business idea to do with providing utilities for student housing....like basically getting loads of student houses to sign up with the company, and then using the power of the company to negotiate discounts on gas and electric and phone and broadband etc. Whichever utility companies gave the best offers would be offered the contracts to provide the utilities for all the student house members. Harnessing the force of a big student population to push to lower cost contracts and a nice little slice somewhere for me!

Anyway, back to what I was saying about rollercoasters...I can feel myself getting really annoyed with lots of things, like having to talk about letting agencies, and trying on sari blouses, and people asking me what is wrong. And also distractions...see while I have kinda regained a bit of focus in that I want to do things, I am still not really concentrating. And finally the busyness, I am bringing back the busyness in fantastic style (this is something Giraffe suggested I try not to do but it's in my nature). Things I have taken on since Weds:

1. Trying to negotiate a Deloitte contract (this is a complicated manoeuvre, but I figure I should just be honest and put my cards on the table)
2. Hassling my Learning Associate to get my GS Learning Log sorted (and hassling TF because of it)
3. Working with BITC to sort some meetings at school
4. Working with MyBnk editing some booklets
5. Turning my social schedule back on, and even double-booking myself

So yes, somehow I have decided to go back to normal, except I am concerned that I am not going back to normal, but rather back to whirlwindy, but then I don't know if I should be concerned since I can't really remember what my "normal" state is, if you see what I mean.

Excellent, Giraffe will be pleased with these reflections. Now to make a plan to SLOW THINGS DOWN and get out of the queue for the rollercoaster. Oh and also to use this as an argument against having blamange, in that clearly I am far too insightful for it.

Reading

I've been spending a lot of time reading. Reading what? Well, more or less anything really.

Firstly I have been doing my research. As usual, I got distracted; once I found this blog and lots of its subsequent links there was no stopping me. It seems I'm not the only one that loves to ramble about my life. But knowledge is power and it's probably a good idea to know what's going on a bit. Plus it's nice to read that other people who have what I may have are doing well.

A looooong time later I checked out To Miss With Love, where there was a good debate about streaming and setting vs. mixed ability. Personally, streaming/setting every time, at least with maths anyway. Totally agree that the concept of differentiation, whereby every child is learning at their maximum potential through personalised learning and appropriate pitching of a lesson, is a lovely idea, but a pipedream. It's practically impossible to effectively differentiate for thirty different 14 year olds; I certainly can't do it. Give me a set grouped by ability any time, at least then I am more likely to be able to reach most of them.

Read this great debate on CiF in The Guardian Online, about maths teaching and whether we should abandon higher level mathematical concepts and just focus on functional maths. Some good arguments there. I think that initially everyone should be given the chance to tackle higher level concepts, but that there's no point forcing some aspects of maths on some kids, they just won't be able to do it, for whatever reason. I'd rather have all my kids leave with useful arithmetic and functional maths skills than half of them struggle with GCSE maths and leave with an F anyway. I know maths is about teaching critical thinking and logic and all those types of skills, but it's not working for lots of our kids, so perhaps it's time to find a better way to teach those things?

And finally this from The Times. Again to do with society and education. Won't ramble about this article too much, except to say that this is the kind of stuff I'm really interested in researching. Strangely the article was located in the Women's section of Life & Style. Why??

Wow, I think it may be time for nap. To digest all these thoughts of course.

Words from a book

In attempt to occupy my mind a little, I am now reading Too Beautiful for You by Rod Liddle. A funny collection of short stories about messed-up affairs in South London. I am only three stories in, but already I have had to look up lots and lots of words. Please understand, I am not thick, I could probably get the gist of maybe a third of these words, and could even loosely define them. But some I've never heard before. So here's a little test, how many can you define? Answers below.

1. insouciant
2. emollient
3. prussic
4. pyrolytic
5. rancour
6. contumely
7. bellicose
8. perspicacity
9. inchoate
10. diadem
11. expedient
12. iniquity
13. histrionics
14. astringency
15. imperturbably
16. ineluctable
17. indolent
18. supplication
19. opprobrium
20. irradiated

1. insouciant - casual
2. emollient - having a softening or soothing effect, especially with regards to the skin
3. prussic - hydrocyanic acid; hydrogen cyanide in water; so probably not a nice description of someone
4. pyrolytic - resulting from pyrolysis, which is the transformation of one substance into one or more substances by heat alone with oxidation
5. rancour - resentment
6. contumely - abuse; a rude expression intended to offend or hurt
7. bellicose - battleful; having or showing a ready disposition to fight
8. perspicacity - shrewdness
9. inchoate - in an initial or early stage; not fully developed
10. diadem - crown
11. expedient - serving to promote your interest
12. iniquity - absence of moral or spiritual values
13. histrionics - exaggerated dramatic behaviour designed to attract attention
14. astringency - from astringent: sharp and penetrating; pungent or severe
15. imperturbably - from imperturbable; not easily excited or upset; marked by extreme calm and composure
16. ineluctable - inescapable; irresistible
17. indolent - disinclined to work or exertion; so lazy then
18. supplication - invocation; a prayer asking for God's help as part of a religious service
19. opprobrium - disgrace arising from exceedingly shameful conduct
20. irradiated - treated with radiation

How'd you do? More words will come I am sure. Nice to see I'm keeping myself busy.

Robins

I was walking in the park today and I saw my first robin. Winter is here.

Some good things: I've been signed off for the rest of the week with "stress related difficulties" so no need to stress about that any more; my thyroxin levels are normal so I don't have a problem there; I finished The Amber Spyglass and it was just awesome. No better words to describe it, but I loved it, and can't wait for the films.

Things to contemplate: if it's not a thyroxin problem, then what is it?

School are being really good to me, telling me to take it easy and get better. This is the hardest part, I don't know how to get better. It's not like a broken leg or something. No, actually, it is, because it feels like I just have to wait it out. I feel a bit better really, so am going to be optimistic, despite feeling a bit like a fraud. Going back to school next week will be tough, people are look for the obvious and if they can't see anything wrong with me, they will think I'm messing about. I don't want their sympathy, but I'm not messing around. Will just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. And think of robins.

250! And a wedding

It's my 250th post! So I shall try and make it a good one.

Let's get the tangents out of the way. Haven't been to school all week, don't really want to talk about that, enough said. Diwali on Friday, happy Diwali everyone! Watched a really sad documentary about the conflict in Sri Lanka, made me feel really rather awful for not being satisfied with all the blessings we've been given, when there are people crying in Sri Lanka because they've lost everything, and their "everything" could probably be replaced using the cost of one of my little brother's average shopping sprees, and there are "death squads" and landmines and soldiers and all kinds of nastiness over there. I feel sad for them all, I really do.

On a more positive note, my father pointed out how life here is a blessing in disguise. Tamil people here are for the most part doing exceedingly well. This success was clearly evident at my cousin's wedding last night. If you know me, you know that I go to a lot of weddings. And I mean a lot. It's traditional to throw huge weddings, with your parents inviting almost everyone they know, and throwing a huge party and all that. But last night's wedding was different.

Firstly, my cousin D was marrying her long-term boyfriend F. D is Hindu, F is Muslim. Controversial, you'd think, but actually no, since she's converting (I think). Anyway, they had a far smaller affair, about 150 people, at The Palm Court in the Waldorf Hilton. This place is big time fancy, such a lovely venue, apparently it featured in the Titanic, or inspired scenes in it or something. Loads of marble and grand staircases and pillars and gold etc. The wedding itself was delightful, not just because it was only 30 mins long! Tamil weddings frequently run to two or three hours, with breaks in the middle, changes of costumes, food and drink served, people walking in and out. This was nothing like that.

My favourite bit was how so many different cultural aspects had been combined. D walked down the aisle with her parents and the whole set-up was like a church wedding, except with a hilarious Australian registrar. Sisters and friends gave readings from The Prophet Khalil Gibrain, Shakespeare, ee Cummings, Blake, and an Apache wedding blessing. They tied a thaali (a thick gold chain that a married woman wears) and swapped garlands, but they also swapped rings and made vows to each other (beautiful vows, I wish I had printed copies). The string quartet played Pachbel's Canon, Air on a G string, and Handel's Water Music. There were no crazy drummers and musicians, which while I love at the start of the wedding, when my ears begin ringing I get cross. The music and readings and everything was all moving and romantic and lovely. And the party after, wow, excellent DJ, great food, chocolate fountain, and catering for all the alcs on my side of the family by setting up a sneaky outside bar so that we wouldn't offend anyone!

I think it was all about details with this wedding. They had a guests' memory book so that people could sign their well-wishes, and also the video guy got people to record wedding messages. Everyone was dressed impeccably, both the families are prosperous, generous, and welcoming, and so things went wonderfully. Actually, it's more the sort of wedding I'd like to have, rather than a huge crazy thing where everyone tears their hair out and you can't remember half the people there. But we shall see. Check out the photos on Facebook. Oh and F's youngest brother, 16, gave a speech, which he opened with "funny how history repeats itself. Twenty-eight years ago D's parent sent her to bed with a dummy. Tonight they're doing it all over again". Hahaha!

So school tomorrow? Hmmm...

Wimp

I am a wimp. Officially.

Today is the second day I have wimped out of school, and I have a feeling I will be wimping out for a bit longer too.

It's safe to say I am no longer whirlwindy, and now instead feel wimpy. This isn't too bad though, I am not hiding away too much, and this loose indifference is vaguely liberating. I don't really care that I am a wimp. It's only that other people care that makes it an issue.

Anyway the reason I am a wimp is because this is nowhere near as rough as I have felt before, but I still can't seem to force myself into school. Back last summer I was literally like a zombie but at least I managed to make it in. I guess I am thinking of it as damage limitation, in that I hope a few days off now will stop the full-blown zombie coming back to play.

There is a slight danger of getting entirely wrapped up in this so in search of perspective...

Reasons not to quit school:
1. Letting all the kids down
2. Letting all the staff down
3. Letting TF down
4. Being a quitter is rubbish
5. My references will suffer and then I won't be able to do any of the future stuff
6. My family and friends will think I am a loser
7. It would be too ironic, given the number of people I have persuaded to apply to TF, and how much I rave about the power of teaching
8. It's all in my head and once that is sorted things will be better

Reasons to quit school (in the interests of a balanced argument)
1. Too long hours - reckon I am clocking over 60 hours a week and then am rather too knackered and resentful to do everything else I would want
2. Poor leadership, ethos, and discipline - from the top of the school down, which leads to poor morale and poor teachers
3. Too stressful - the hundreds of daily battles and grinds are exhausting
4. When I don't like my job I really hate it - why waste time in something so arduous?
5. It may be contributing to my doolally.

Hmm so this is a rather honest post. Readers, don't worry, I am ok, I am just writing all this up to get it out, and also for the sake of posterity, so that I actually remember that sometimes I feel like this. See, this is what happens when you never talk about yourself and then suddenly you spill out your life on-line, it makes people worry. I may have to set up an alternate blog for the sakes of all your sanity.

Skipping School

The attendance target at my school is 93%. My form, typically, is rather behind on this. We have two kids on the roll that just don't exist, but until the EWO (educational welfare officer) can track them down, they have to stay on roll. As such, we never win the attendance prize.

Am I a good role model? Well, looking at my own attendance, I have missed 4 days of school in the last 41, not to mention a hospital appointment and a visit to the dentist in school time. So my attendance is below the 93%. Further, despite it only being week 2 of the second half of the first term, I am already on my fourth instance of absence. This is a sign of trouble.

How it works in my school is that if staff have more than five instances of absence in a year, they have to have some kinda support interview or something. An instance can be anything from day to literally months (with a medical certificate of course). Mine have been four separate days, but still.

So what happened today then? I didn't really have a hangover, that wasn't the problem. I woke up really early, and my stomach was hurting, and basically I decided I couldn't face the day at school. Once my mind decides that, it's a done thing, it's difficult to persuade myself otherwise. School is like a battle to me at the moment, and if I'm not up for battle, well, I'd rather not take part. People say any teacher is better than no teacher. I disagree...a supply teacher is better than your regular teacher when she's having a bad day. But that is my opinion.

What did I do? Tried to sleep, but failed. Took a stroll in the park to try and get my head in the game. Realised that I looked very much like a skiving kid, so came back home. Forced myself to complete a rather mediocre Learning Log. Dwelled on my problems, and tried to make a plan to help me last to the potential solution. Finally, stumbled upon this, and had an educational browse. Felt a bit better after that, but then when I consider a day of battle tomorrow, well...we'll have to wait and see what happens.

PS Not all doom-and-gloom...also found this and love it.

Engagement Party

Hohoho, don't usually do THREE posts in one day, but it's a special occasion. Had to point out that I haven't done any of the work I intended to do today including lesson plans for tomorrow, oh dear. Further, have tried to match my bro drink for drink at this engagement and it is only just hitting me. Thirdly, easily this is the most hilarious engagement I have been to.

Engagements are pretty new in my family, usually we just do wedding and reception, but what the hey, the more parties the better. Held at the lovely Prince Regent, this shindig for about 200 people would easily have set the in-laws back between five and ten k (free bar baby, oh yeah!) They had an excellent magician there, who did such tricks as making you pick and sign a card, and then your card appearing inside a brand new kiwi and also making you pick a card and then your card stick to the ceiling of the dining room. Amazing. My father has his card (business, not playing); I am both excited and concerned that he will be booked for my entirely unintended wedding.

What else? Well, the father-in-law of the bride's speech was just comedy. He talked about his younger son discovering he had a willy; about how the compere's mother would put a chair in front of the bedroom door to stop any rumpy-pumpy taking place; about how life is all about destiny; and about how marriage is a gamble and you should play your cards well. Funny stuff and serious stuff wrapped up into one. Will take the last quote to my kids tomorrow.

These guys aren't getting married until next September, how long is that?! Still, looking at the rock he put on her finger tonight, she will be happy to wait.

The 5th Annual TF Conference

The TF 5th Anniversary Conference and Celebration. Biggest and best ever, thoroughly enjoyed myself :) Held at the ExCel Centre in the Docklands, there were over 600 delegates, from the fresh-faced '07s to the old-school '03s, and this year from the Midlands, Manchester AND London. Big things happening in TF at the moment, was a joy to see...just when things get tough there's always a TF event to make you realise everyone's in the same boat, and to remind us of the amazing things we're trying to achieve.

So the day itself was excellently organised, clearly a lot of hard work and planning had gone into the day. We began with an introductory address from our CEO Brett Wigdortz. He's hilarious, such a lovely and amiable chap, you really want to do your best for him you know? He won Ernst & Young's Social Entrepreneur of the Year this year, and also went and pitched for a new project called "Teach For All" in the States recently...some great pictures of him rubbing shoulders with old Tony and Bill. Anyway, I digress. The theme around this year's conference was "Collaboration", which seemed apt given the huge numbers of us there now are. Since its initiation in 2002 TF has placed over 1000 participants in over 118 schools. They estimated that we've had 14.4 million opportunities to make a difference in the last 5 years. No idea where the figure came from, but impressive!

After the address we had our first workshop. Wanted to go to one on youth culture, but it was booked out, so chose one on debating instead. Lots of great ideas, resources and support on setting up debating clubs in school. They had some kids along to demonstrate a mini-debate, was excellent, really impressed with the level of argument and the presentation skills of the kids. That workshop left me with some inspiration to try out a mini-debate with my tutor group in PSHE.

Then we had the school project semi-final pitches. Hadn't submitted a school project, have enough on my plate(!), but there were some great ideas out there. In our room I voted for the guy who wanted money to set up an "outdoor classroom" so that kids could get first-hand interactive learning experience of the world outside. A lovely idea, supported by the school, students already keen, easily sustainable, useful across the curriculum and across the year groups. Lots of other good ideas made it through to the next round too.

Lunch time, glorious sandwiches, yum yum. Great chance to catch up with lots of TFers! A cynic would say I was a networker, but I'm not really, I just love lots of the TF people and so spend a lot of time chatting, heehee. Running at the same time as lunch was a Third Sector fair and also a corporate careers fair too, busy busy.

After lunch the keynote address from Ralph Tabberer, the Director General of Schools within the DCSF. A reasonable speech, some good points in there, but too much emphasis on the role of the teacher and how amazing we are at making a difference. I can see why non-TFers get annoyed at us, it makes it look like all it takes to be a good teacher is brains and six weeks of summer training, forgetting all about pedagogy and the importance of commitment, support and experience.

Two more workshops after lunch, one on organisational politics, HILARIOUS, the man from Politics at Work taught us all about the slimy tricks people play to manipulate and get what they want, can't believe I do so many of them myself, and have had so many done to me! Will do a whole post on this some other time. Then went to a great workshop on educational policy reform and current neoliberal thinking on educational disadvantage. Again, this topic could do with its own post, and more, but the basic conclusion I came to was that education can solve a lot, but really it is a reactive and temporary solution - social disadvantage is the real problem, which if correctly addressed would mean educational disadvantage would be far more limited.

At about 17:00 all of this wrapped up and we went back to the main room to watch the celebrations. Lots of lovely speeches, participant diaries (a participant from every year talked about their experiences through TF), songs, videos, dhol drummers, positive messages etc. TF really know how to make you feel like a winner, was properly proud and inspired and just all good inside after that. Obviously the glasses of wine and the gorgeous cake helped too :)

Whistle-stop tour of the Conference then. All in all I loved it, I love learning more about schools and teaching and theories and leadership and skills and basically all of the things connected with what we do now and what we could do in the future. I love "feeling the TF vibe" - I get completely filled with positivity and inspiration. Its an immense project with such huge goals, and Brett was saying that when he first had his idea, everyone thought it would never make it through. Look where we are now eh? The next five years will only be better. Keep it up TF!

Assorted Highlights and Ramblings

I woke up with a smile on my face this morning. This is just the kind of autumn day I love. Sunny, crisp and cool. Stepped over to the park, watched a bit of football, had a stroll, crunched some leaves. It's beautiful out there, it makes me shiver. Can't explain it really,

Two posts today. The first one, assorted highlights and ramblings since I last posted. Am pleasantly hungover, two fun nights with no regrets.

Things I have been meaning to write about on here:

"Do as you like with me. I'm your parcel. I have only our address on me. Open me or readdress me". Again from Birthday Letters, loved those lines.

"When she saw how they worked, not on their own but two by two, working their trunks together to tie a knot she realised how astonished they'd been by her hands, because of course she could tie knots on her own. At first she felt that this gave her an advantage - she needed no one else; and then she realised how it cut her off from others. Perhaps all human beings were like that". From The Amber Spyglass, which is wonderful fantasy now, I like it the most out of the three.

"My life is very grown up and sensible these days (not entirely true...) so I enjoy other people's drama. It is much more interesting than engaging with your own. You should try it and then you wouldn't have to worry about being a bad person anymore. :)" I can't officially quote this person, but hahaha, just made me laugh.

I love The Wombats song about Joy Division at the moment. And also The Pigeon Detectives. And a plug for an old friend here.

Went out on Friday night with CK, Gid and a friend of Gid's. Impressed with CK and his drama-management skills. Lovely to see Gid, am so excited about his FCO stuff! Didn't play Scrabble in the end, instead drank cocktails in various places and had a lovely dinner at a place called Balan's, a trendy restaurant on Old Compton St. Very good service, eye candy waiters, great food and drinks, a good buzz around the place. Decided I like going out around there, it's just nice to do a relaxed night out, where no-one's on a mission, there's no fights or drunken louts, just people out for a good time. I love the streets in Soho.

What else? Spent all day yesterday on the TF Conference (the other post will be about that). Sadly missed the Wanstead Flats fireworks last night due to the 5th Anniversary celebrations (TF is 5 years old, yay!) but had a lovely dinner out in Angel with TFers. I love Angel too, I still can't believe it's where my folks first lived when they came to London. Heard from one of the girls yesterday that her boyfriend is doing his PhD in Cardiff and he pays £250 rent a month and lives 15 mins from the centre of the city. Was mightily jealous, vowed to leave London immediately, but upon reflection, I don't mind paying, it's really rather too good to leave just yet.

Have an engagement party to go to tonight. Little brother as my principle drinking buddy. Oh dear. Aaargh still not done my Learning Log....oh well, let's read the paper first...

Round Two

After spending most of last night tossing and turning (not in a fun way), I stood in front of the bathroom mirror this morning and gave myself a little pep-talk. Once again I decided it was time to 'fess up at school and get some support, but as usual, when it comes down to it I can't really declare anything, which means I can't get the time off. Pretty much trapped on that front for now.

Anyway, doesn't matter, Spurs won last night so decided I should just plough my way through school. It was alright.

Particular highlights:

• rolling on a condom on a rubber willy before 9am, and having to explain what self-stimulation was
• hearing that my form had received so many complaints across the school that "serious measures" were to be taken (hahaha, at least I'm not the only one being driven mad there)
• "E" from my tutor group slamming her bag against the wall twice within the space of 10 mins
• my Y10s taking my slightly insane behaviour from yesterday to heart and so behaving today
• my Y7s understanding the concept of negative powers of 10 (crazy stuff, some kids will never get that!)
• my Y9s actually learning in the computer room, despite "M" coming back and causing drama with "T" who had decided that bunking maths to go to random other lessons was no longer feasible
• a kid in detention actually apologising for his behaviour and giving me a lollipop

I made a bit of a mistake today - I mentioned to someone that I wasn't going to stay for next year. Whoops.

Am also cross about the salacious TF gossip that is flying at the moment, you can't trust anyone these days. Hahaha, bit of a contradiction there actually, given that I half bare my soul on here on the regular. But still.

A Draining Day

Today a minor victory and many losses.

Minor victory: a Y9 boy in my classroom was shouting at someone through the door. I told him he would have 5 mins detention at lunchtime. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him it was now 10 mins. Shrugged again. 15 mins. Shrugged again. I lost my temper and told him to get his diary out, he was going to have an hour of detention tomorrow after school. He said he didn't care, he wouldn't come anyway. Kick the boy out the room. Catch up with him at the end of the lesson, take him to the phone, call his mother and tell her what happened, pass the phone over to the boy. Mum absolutely shreds him, I can hear her wailing him out through the phone, he looks visibly shaken. Take the phone back, she apologises for him and continues to berate him in her strong Jamaican twang. I thank her for her support and finish the call. He apologises and accepts his 60 mins.

Many losses: too many to mention really. Biggest one was when I decided to be "normal" with my Y10s i.e. let my personality out. Started well, but the kids just started playing up. In the end I got fed up and told them all to pack up and just leave. They tear around the maths department disrupting everyone. Error. That is very bad teaching. Equally bad was the Year 8 detention today - all the Year 8 trouble makers in one room. Nightmare. I essentially give up on trying to discipline them and just leave them to kill the time.

Big problem. I can see myself not caring any more, becoming indifferent to it all. It's too much right now, and rather than upping my game, I just want a break. The less energy and effort and care I put in, the harder it will be. But I can't seem to persuade myself to sort it out.

Forget all this mental health stuff, clearly my problem is my job and what it is doing to me. I hate being rubbish at things, but I will have to accept that I am not good enough at this.

Quick highlights of a balanced day

Another day down. Almost bed time so short and sweet...

Negatives:

• Y10 girl shouted in my face
• Y8 girl in my tutor group hates me cos I kicked her out the room for hitting a boy
• Another Y8 girl in my tutor group is on blue report and almost getting herself excluded
• Yet another Y8 girl in my tutor group walked out of school today
• And finally the last Y8 girl in my tutor group story...this one swore and I kicked her out the room
• My Y8 tutor group are causing me to choose between a slight breakdown and a complete detachment from reality

Positives:

• Y7 girls footie team beat a local team 2-1! Played really well, really positive and supportive, excellent captaincy and general good spirits!
• Random observation from an SLT member, just for a few minutes in my Y7 class, went really well
• Y10s were mostly very good today
• Y9s did a test, and were impeccable
• Loved some parts of today

"Ramos" has been scrawled all over the maths department. A secret Spurs fan is asking for trouble.

When I first woke up, I just wanted to hide in bed all day and so contemplated confessing my mental traumas and requesting extended sick leave...obviously didn't though, best save that for a worse day. Also have noticed that I was increasingly day-dreamy in school today, to the point where things that would have upset me yesterday I don't even register today. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism? Where on earth is my plot eh? At least I am doing my homework.

First day and I need a break!

I feel bad for anyone that has to see me straight after a tough day at school. Today's innocent victim was Jadey Bladey - thank you for putting up with my incoherent rambling.

School is always extremes with me - bits I love and bits I hate. Firstly, two things I loved from the day. In Year 7 PSHE the students had to write a little note to two adults and two kids who had made them feel good about stuff since September, and I got a note from little Daniel, who I chose to help me at Open Evening, and who apparently thoroughly appreciated the opportunity. This was sweet. Then my Y12 sociology lesson today was just great, the kids were really into it, it was banterful but we got a lot of work done too, nice.

Two things I hated from today. My Y10s were just uncooperative today, persistently talking and off task and rude and time wasting, was really frustrating. Worse than that, my tutor group. They are driving me up the wall, it's like whatever I do with them, they still walk all over me. I get really cross and worry I will eventually resort to kiddie tactics e.g. giving them the cold shoulder, shouting back at them. They would love that.

I wonder if there is any job where one regularly has to put up with pretty harsh emotional trauma from people one is supposedly there to help? After a bad tutor session with them I feel like jacking it all in, well, at least the tutoring side of things. It also makes me realise I could never be like someone in Spooks - if I can't deal with pressure from 13 year olds, how can I deal with international master criminals? I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am doing wrong, but am yet to come up with a solution. It doesn't help that my FB horoscope says "It's ok to take the easy way out this time. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be. The simplest solution is often the right one". So give up the tutor group?

Thought I'd end with this story I got emailed today, it's pretty deep...

There was once a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he should hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the back of the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learnt to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the little boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails had gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said "You have done well, my son, but look at all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry' , the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one." Friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Time For School

The end of half-term. How have nine days passed so quickly? It's almost a blur to me. Still, all good things come to an end...roll on Christmas, only 7 weeks to go!

After yet another night of fun, this time on a local level (nothing like being 15 mins from your bed, and also the clocks going back...wish that'd happen every weekend!) I decided to hit the gym hard. Loved it, my arms are gloriously aching. Berts, you'll be pleased to know I got yet another phone number in that place, hot stuff :) Then went to Diwali in the Square, which was beautiful. I love those times when I feel really connected with the whole Asian thing, and not on a banter level. Lots of dancing and singing and lights and food and all of that, excellent. Then tried to make it to an open mic night, but somehow got lost, and my conscience got to me, and I want to watch MOTD so legged it home. Lovely Sunday. Resolution for this half-term: live for the weekend.

What else? Well, I love Daniel because when discussing my potential as Spurs manager he said: "I think you'd be a great Spurs manager. Plenty of experience dealing with stroppy brats who don't want to do what they're told, used to being shouted at by hooligans, and trained to improve results in 'challenging' institutions". Hohoho.

I also love Bertie cos he sent me this: "bertie smarty pants? ouch meena very ouch. hope ure feeling better today good luck for tomorrow gorgeous x". When people on Saturday asked me why we weren't together I said it was because of THE RASH, but really, I think it's cos he's just too good to me. Wonder what will happen to the drama on that front....ooooooh drama Bertie!

Speaking of drama, I had decided that I would get my number one drama out of the way by just trying to sort it out so that after half-term I'd know one way or the other what was going on. I don't know why half-term is the deadline - this week means nothing to ordinary people. But then I decided that if I don't know one way or the other, then nothing is really happening, so I should just get on with seeing the other lovely boys. But then I decided I didn't want that. So I am back to square one.

What a useful ramble. It's similar to the battle I had with the Photo-Me machine today - wasteful. Which brings me to my final quote, Liz C: "I don't have the evidence for the link between psychotic behaviour and diarising every minute detail of your life to hand. I'm sure it exists. Doesn't the guy in American Pyscho do stuff like that? Not to worry, I'm sure you're fine. x"

Hohoho. Come on weekend.

A lesson learnt?

It's almost sunrise and I've just got home after another ridiculous night. Bertie was supposed to be with me but I have somehow lost him along the way.

As if last night wasn't pushing it enough - nicey pricey cocktails on the 40th floor of 30 St Mary's Axe. The kinda place most teachers are just not allowed; the kinda place that has security checks for yourself and your bags, and simply assumes you are well-off enough for a tab. Good stuff.

But then tonight I officially feel hyper. As I have all day, and maybe even all week. So the Hawaiieen night reached its natural conclusion, with a French boy with a funny name, and then I decided it was time to run off home. And am I proud? No, I feel like an f-ing muppet for doing the same old sh*t once again, when I don't even care. So will I learn? I hope so. Especially since I have now lost two devil's trident type things, and also a set of flashing horns, alongside my flip-flops, which just got stuck in the stickiness of the floor. Classy. No, we were classy, when Bertie and I went to a lovely restaurant on The Strand called Paradiso Inferno (Heaven & Hell) and it was just like Luna Caprisce so I loved it, and so we started off on a good foot; I think I just can't help the drama.

My aim for this weekend now is to sort it out so I don't end up doing this again and then feeling all cross on the night-bus. Not worth it. Let alone the hangover. But then what can I do eh? It's a bit win-win, lose-lose right now.

Update 19:21

Hahaha, I have just re-read what I wrote, I am such a drama-queen. Actually, I did feel bad this morning, but Bertie Smarty Pants has reasoned and justified and managed to make me realise we only live once, so why worry eh? Besides, I like it that I have a reputation amongst lots of random strangers :)

Spent the whole day in bed, but only 4 hours asleep, the rest of it whining and moaning about the world's worst hangover. People who go on facebook and say they have a hangover are lying - a real hangover stops you from doing anything. I couldn't move my head, I had chills and sweats, and when this fly came in the room and started buzzing I thought the world was going to end. Happily at about 2:30pm I picked up the pace (an unintentional "tactical" in the words of my brother...the nausea was overwhelming) and now I am comfortably in my second wind. Meant to be at two separate parties in opposite sides of London - instead am doing the local family shindig where the whiskey will no doubt be flowing.

So no, I don't learn.

Reading and Writing

I finished my statement of purpose in the end. But I don't like it yet, it's not quite right.

Then I made a mistake. I started reading this and then I couldn't sleep, it was all a bit too real. Now I am out of bed and ready to plan lessons. But first I must write my own (poem, not lesson, although maybe they could be the same thing?) else I will be distracted all day.

I think I may have judged the Amber Spyglass too early, it's already very good and mysterious, please erase all my negative comments from your minds.

Update 10:49
Hohoho, it is complete, and I like it. It's a bit filthy though. You, please don't read too much into it, I am feeling a bit dramatic today.

The Perfect Bed

It used to be the case
That in the instant before I landed
The delicate closing of my eyes
Would open my mind up
Wide like a gracious host to sleepy dreams.

The perfect bed
In the corner by the window
Made it oh so easy.
Lumbering and confidently Victorian
In its dominance of the room.

Slipping in and under the ideal weight
Originally wrapped in tessellations of footballs
But now alternating mocha and beige
Just like us.
In the mornings I struggle to shed this second skin.

I wonder if the perfect bed
Would change in your presence?
My certainty is that it would sincerely succeed in
Warming you and cooling me
Until we were mathematically satisfied.

So I toss and turn and flip the pillow over
Hoping the fresh side will distract me
From lucid dreams of tongue tracing
Maple syrup ABCs along your spine.
Even though food isn’t allowed in the perfect bed.

The varnish fails to hide the mottles in the wood
Swirls that he used to graze with hot fingertips
Melting me.
Now it’s you that keeps me awake
Pondering whether your dearth is its first flaw.

A first attempt at working

I am back and in and wanting to work (wanting is used loosely here). I have trapped myself at my desk, Word is open and the cursor's blinking, waiting for me to type. Aaargh but I can't. If I am struggling just to write my statement of purpose, perhaps applying to read for a Masters with lots of essay writing is an error?

I noticed on my blog that you can't search by label. This is annoying. I meticulously label each post, but what's the point if you subsequently can't search by label? Clearly this should be a priority, far more worthy of immediate address than my empty document.

I found the labeling issue out because I was searching for some words I remember looking up from On Beauty. I have forgotten the words, and their meanings. This too is annoying. I remember how good my memory used to be, but that's about it. And I can't find the post.

Thus I have decided that in future good words will be recorded on here, where I can't lose them. My word of the day: poltroon. An abject coward. I like the sound. But more so I like the statistic that this word is only used twice for every 100 million words said. Poltroon. Poltroon. I think I've doubled its use. I like it that I can change a statistic like that. What use are statistics anyway?

Come on words, write this statement of purpose. Gosh I hope the applications office doesn't read my blog...

Varnish; Squash; Books

My gosh the house stinks! All this varnish is making me really rather light-headed. Tried opening the windows, but frankly would choose being a wee bit high over freezing my ass off almost every time.

My Metro horoscope suggested that the Pisces Moon is making me unproductive. I am happy to use this excuse. Rest and relaxation is called for, it said, so I have decided to do just that. The guilt is nagging, but only quietly, I can block it out.

Played 4 games of squash with Ish last night, thoroughly enjoyed myself. I forget how much I like Ish until I see her again. She is one of those where you can jump straight back in to the level of intimacy you had before, as if we had never really been apart. The games were good, and the chatter was good too, but I am sad for her. She hates her job, and it's messing up her life. Such a shame, she has so much potential. For those of you that don't know her, she is perfectly vivacious, the life and soul of whatever's going on, the kind of person who can be everything to everyone. But yesterday she wasn't fully herself, and she blames her job. I hope she can get out. Actually, I just hope she can get back to being her old self.


In other news, I finished A Brown Man and Other Stories, and am now suitably paranoid about my coffee coated exterior (literally, I tipped the cafetiere too far, but like the smell, particularly as it is attempting to overthrow the varnish). I have moved on to The Amber Spyglass. Finally I hear you say Bladey. Well, yes, and no. I am about 6 pages in and already finding it tedious. I am sure I'll love the middle bit of the story, but I hate getting into it. It doesn't help that I went to the library after the gym this morning and now have 7 other books that I'd rather read. It's going to be a battle.

I may be out drinking tonight, so I apologise in advance if I'm on poor form tomorrow. Except I won't be because I'm so excited about seeing all you girls again, especially in such a swanky venue! Woohoo, it's gonna be lovely, can't wait to catch up!